Post # 1
I have very recently moved overseas with my husband so he can persue a work opportunity with my first baby – 4 months old.
The thing that bothers me is that we rarely manage to have good conversations – I lost interest in going out for a nice dinner with him a long time ago because there will be absolutely no conversation at the table.
When I do talk it is usually to comment about something present – like the music playing or my thoughts on something we heard or saw together.
When we got together a lot of my regular hobbies or activities didn’t fit into the program with things he wanted to do when he wanted to do them – usually visiting his friends or family. I also didn’t persue a lot of things at more agreeable times to save money for our first property and to make time for study commitments.
It has just dawned on me that the reason my husband is so bored by everything I have to say is because I have nothing to talk about but what we do or see together.
Now I am overseas living in a non-english speaking country with a baby needing constant attention away from family and friends it is going to be harder than ever to do anything different.
I just don’t know where to begin. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
Is the new country one with a foreign language? Start teaching yourself it… Or, a new language altogether.
Take trips to museums, parks, etc, with the baby. Tell him about what you got or saw that day.
And question – why is it him being bored with all you say? Sounds like you are bored with him since he never talks to you while out. Does he have any hobbies? Was he like this (non talkative) when you got together?
Post # 4
I guess now I think about it he has always been either non talkative or a one way talker. I don’t know that he really wants to be a dominant talker but if he does talk he is usually so eager it’s hard to get a word in edgeways – mainly if we are with other people.
For example if he thinks he knows the answer to a question I ask someone else – say about where they live – he will pipe in and answer for them. I find it embarassing sometimes because I think it’s just polite to let people talk for themselves.
He often tries to finish my sentences too or cut me off very early in my sentence saying “i Know” before I think he possibly could know what I am saying. It is as if when he does talk he wants to do most or all of the talking.
I guess I am bored because I’d love to engage in more light hearted jokey kind of conversations and sometimes it happens but usually he’s just too serious and almost annoyed that what I might say is not really important.
I guess I didn’t think about it before but it probably it is more that I am bored with him. Good Point!
I think he was like this when we got together so I shouldn’t really feel sorry for myself now.
I think on paper we should have common interests, we used to really enjoy cuddling and I felt loved mostly (even if I thought he was grumpy and condescending sometimes) so I didn’t really think too much about conversation incompatibilities earlier.
I haven’t really enjoyed kissing him for a long time and more recently cuddling which I used to relish even feels like a chore.
I know he loves our daughter though and I don’t think he really means to make me feel bad. He’s just a bit of a bull in a china shop – he has no idea of how much little random unexpected grumpy comments and snaps pile up.
The water just doesn’t run off this drowned ducks back so well anymore. He does try to say a lot of positive things also and he says he loves me about 15 times a day and he expects the good to balance out the bad. I wish I could feel that way but I almost wish he would stop saying he loves me because it feels like something he just says when he can tell I’m not happy – a band aid effort rather than a genuine expression.
Post # 5
@SharlaK: If you can speak the language, then what about a baby group with other new mothers. I know someone that’s south african and lives in spain and takes her kid to trilingual baby group.
Post # 6
I would start by trying to find something that interests you both. What about a sport, a band, politics, even missing home… And do not take conversations for granted. You have at least 50 more years with this person. Things are going to be boring from time to time and the conversation will fade out.
Another issue I see is that people talk to their spouses throughout the day when they are away from each other and then come home with nothing new to say. If you’re one to do this, stop checking in with him. Let him coming home from work be a surprise.
Does he speak the language of the country you are now in? Maybe a lack of cultural understanding may bring a closeness out in each other.
Post # 7
I can’t speak the language much but I have found another foreign mother via the international centre who can speak English. I will be visiting a play group with my baby weekly when it starts in October so hopefully that will produce some conversation fodder!
Post # 8
Yeah occasionally we do check in with each other during the day – not as much as some other couples I have known but we do. I will stop that – good idea!
Post # 9
@SharlaK: I this tatic with my SO, whenever he talks about something I consider “boring” or just something I would generally have nothing to add too….I ask him three questions about it….I come up with three questions I can ask. It shows him that I care and am interested, and often it furthers the conversation in a more interesting way!
Post # 10
Yeah I sometimes ask him questions but I could show a lot more interest in some things he likes. It is probably easier sometimes to get a conversation going on a topic I know already interests him, when he is already talking rather than starting one randomly from scratch.
Post # 11
Yeah, you can also read about news and current events and ask his opinions on world goings on etc. Or watch movies or read the same books so you can chat about it later. That’s probably harder when you have a 4 month old baby though. If you can get some time off maybe there’s an activity you could do together? Then you can chat about that after?
To be honest, it sounds like your probably exhausted and that makes it to come up with anything to say. I imagine if I had a 4 month old baby and I got a night off I might just want to zone out.