(Closed) Where is the line between controlling and genuinely upset? Warning LONG

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Not harsh at all. If he can’t understand where you are coming from, I think it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship…. IT’S A TWO WAY STREET! He can get off his ass and drive to see you.

Post # 18
Member
26 posts
Newbee

He’s just pouting because he wanted to see you. don’t let him guilt trip you!

Post # 19
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@perri: You won’t get through to him. This would be a huge red flag for me. Huge.  

Post # 20
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@perri:  You go ahead to that comic-con. It doesn’t happen often, and if he wants to be a baby about it, let him. Don’t make HIS problem yours, hon. If he acts like this any time you go have some ‘you’ time, that might be a pretty noticeable red flag of control issues. Especially when he tries to guilt you.

You are an adult, and do NOT need to check in/get permission from ‘daddy’ any time you want to go do something from attend a con to go to the store for a soda. If the boyfriend can’t understand that, or thinks you’re abandoning him any time you go have some fun, you might want to get a new boyfriend :

Post # 21
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you know that something isn’t right in your relationship. The fact that you are putting more time, effort and money into it than he is. You will not change him. You cannot convince him to give more to you. When someone shows you who they are…believe them.

You wouldn’t be breaking up with him over this ONE THING (comic con). You’d be breaking up because of the string of times that you go to see him and he goes out with friends or the times he doesn’t come down to see you. This comic-con issue is the straw that broke the camels back.

(And, no this won’t get better once you are in the same place. Guys like this will always expect you to do more in the relationship!)

Post # 22
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Talking to him won’t get anything through to him.  Since you’re not at his beck and call, he’s getting the next best thing, your attention and saying “I love you/I miss you” like you have something to explain and apologize for.  As PPs have said, he is a toddler having a tantrum, IMO you explained yourself, and the topic is closed.  If he wants to be in on the fun and make it work, terrific.  If he wants to throw a fit, he’s the irrational one, as long as you don’t participate in the foolishness.  Because it really is silly (for him to be complaining, not for you to be upset). 

To demonstrate how childish it is, instead of saying “I miss you and want to see you, how can we make this work?” (problem solving – what an adult would do), he’s throwing a hissyfit.  Psshhh please.

Btw as PPs have said, you need to have your own interests.  Does he propose you just drop everything you’re doing or want to do all the time for his schedule, just to hang with him every minute you can get?  That’s silly.  And it doesn’t sound like he would do that for you if he’s refusing to pull his weight.

Post # 23
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Go to comic-con! It’s sooooo important to do these things that make you happy. Especially if you’re already putting in more than your share of effort in the relationship.  What you’re Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t realize is that by not supporting you in this, he’s doing harm to the relationship because if you have to keep giving up stuff for him, you will resent it.  Espeically since he can’t seem to make the same effort!

I had a similar problem with my Fiance early in our relationship.  I always went to his place, night or day, even if he was “raiding” (he played World of Warcraft when i first met him) and I’d be soooo borded. So eventually, i stopped going over so much, and asserted more time for myself, and told him if he wanted to hang, he could come to my place instead! It prolly took a year before he really realized how one sided everything was and started making effort.  

Being long distance is sure to add some stress, for sure! But if he can’t understand your wanting to go to a once a year event, and throws it in your face accusing you of choosing zombies over him, then i’d be re-thinking a lot of things here….

Edited to say:

I just read your text to him (which was very well written by the way!) and your update with his reply, and excuse me?!?!!? That’s just the way it is? Then you tell him that you going is just the way it is!

I’d say shrug it off and go. You’ve had your say, so go and have a great weekend and don’t make any more apologies or explanations. he doesn’t deserve it! If he’s like most men, he’ll forget about it soon enough.

Post # 24
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ah! go to comic con and dress up like a zombie for all of us that cant!!! im so jealous! haha! i dont have any advice that PP havent said. I hope it works out for you!

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