(Closed) Where my young waiting bees at?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

I’m 23 and waiting with a 25 year old. Probably won’t get married until we’re in the mid/late 20s but I’m here to unite!

Post # 17
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Engaged at 22 and married at 23. I was sooo ready. Ignore the haters, embrace the luuuuurve.

Post # 18
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

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basicallyaissa:  I think when people say generalized things about immaturity or being too young they’re often talking from their own experiences. 

I’m 27, and frankly at age 20 I was absolutely NOT ready for marriage. The part of the brain that handles making major life decisions isn’t fully developed unitl age 27, which I have always known. So of course 20 seems too young for marriage to me, because when I was 20 I felt too young for marriage. Obviously that doesn’t mean no one is ready at age 20. It’s just hard for me to personally picture being ready at that young of an age. My point is, it has nothing to do with how mature or immature I think you are. It’s just that the only life experience I can really draw from is my own, and in MY experience 20 absolutely would have been too young (and I had a bf who I thought I was madly in love with at the time)!

Being older doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage, and being younger doesn’t guarantee a divorce. Statistically couples under 23 have a much higher divorce rate (just like couples without college degrees, couples where the woman has a baby before marriage, etc.), but real people don’t usually base their decisions on facts they base them on feelings.

If you feel that you’re ready, and it’s what you really want, then you should go for it. I also think the whole mantra of telling all women to go to college and have super successful careers before settling down is stupid. Frankly, not all women want to be CEOs who work 60+ hours a week. If your major plan in life is to be a Stay-At-Home Mom and you have fertility issues then frankly spending 10 years getting a degree and a high powered career would be wasting precious fertility time that you really can’t get back. 

 

Post # 19
Member
919 posts
Busy bee

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basicallyaissa:  Girl, you are singing to the choir right now. While I am not waiting for engagement (I gave him a strict ‘don’t propose to me in college’ lecture, we will be looking at engagement in probably another year and a half. A little over that, if I’m lucky, but he really wants it right now. But I can still relate to your post, because I am so SICK and TIRED of having older Bee’s on here NOT take my relationship seriously, all because I’m 21. I understand I’m young-really, I get that. But being young doesn’t mean your blind to the obvious things around you, and my love and success in my relationship seems pretty darn obvious to me. 

I know many Bee’s have their own reasons for why they feel this way. Many of the Bee’s see how much they’ve changed, from that age, and likely would say we don’t know what we want. But I have news for those Bee’s-you never stop changing. I don’t  care if ‘your brain doesn’t stop growing until your 25’ no matter what, all of us will continue to change and grow, and that’s normal. So by that logic, none of these Bee’s should be married.

And what flawed logic that is. 

I’m glad to see some younger Bee’s on here, standing up for their relationship. People don’t have to take my relationship seriously, but as soon as they refuse to respect my relationship, that’s when we have a problem. 

My SO is amazing. He is an incredable man (at 22). He is driven, so enthusiastic about life, so kind hearted, humble, funny, and he’s just wonderful in so many aspects. He’s not at all what I thought I wanted-but he is what I NEED. I know what I want, and he is what I want. How do I know that? Because I wake up every morning, with a smile on my face, knowing that if the world was to cease to exist tomorrow, as long as he was next to me, everything would be okay.

He is my past, my present, and my future, and any Bee’s who scoff at my relationship are acting younger them my age. That is judgemental, and I left that junk behind in high school. 

Post # 20
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I saw the comment this morning and was less than thrilled.

I am 23. I will be 24 when we get married. My fiancé is 28. 

I honestly find it slightly disrespectful for people to say that they do not value relationships under 23. (Also where did the age 23 come from?) I think that the value of a relationship is based on the amount of work that people put into it. When it comes to maturity age is not the only factor. I have gone through so much as a child (2 heart operations) and because of that I have always been career orientated. Also when you spend the majority of your life in hospitals your grow up fast.

My fi has a high paying well respecred career. I am still in college and will hopefully be starting med school soon.  I honestly did not see a reason waiting another 7-10 years to get married. 

Post # 21
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Yes thank you ladies! I’m 21 and very different to my age group. My SO is 30 as of the 8th of Feb and all my friends age from 25 – 30. I work as a nurse, own my house, ect. Age doesn’t always indicate the maturity level of any individual. I am still waiting with my SO but I too have been having some health problems that have surprised me and my drs as I’m so young Also. I am glad there are other bees my age AND like me. 🙂 good luck with all your future xoxox

Post # 22
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

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basicallyaissa:  Given that I received the same such criticism on a recent/first post of mine, I completely understand the angle you’re coming from. Reflecting upon it, and getting some perspective from other people, I realize that my boyfriend and I are not ready to be engaged. I’d still consider myself “waiting” because I want to be at that place and I want it, but I genuinely know that he is not ready and we still have improving to do as a couple (though, honestly, when does that ever end?) From that standpoint, I feel that it’s fine for other people to comment and say that they don’t think I’m ready. From simply looking at my age, I think it’s completely out of line.

I’m currently 21, turning 22 at the end of September. SO is 22, with his birthday coming up in June. We’re young, no denying that. But age aside, we’ve been together for over two years now. We’ve seen each other through our best moments (vacations, meeting each other’s families, his college graduation, etc.) and through our worst (unplanned pregancy/miscarriage, his arrest and stint with the legal system, my anxiety). We have obviously grown an enormous amount, from two insane kids passionately stuck in the honeymoon phase to two loving closer-to-being-adult human beings that live together and share a life together. We will undoubtedly continue to change and evolve for the rest of our lives, particularly for the next couple years as we approach 25, which seems to be the golden age in everyone’s head. 

I think it’d be delusional for me to pretend that we’re always going to be the people we are now or that we do not having growing up to do. That being said, seeing a post like this really does warm my heart and make me feel less alone, because I feel like a lot of people on this website don’t take relationships like mine seriously or understand how I could know I’ve found the right person for me at such a young age. I know it does all come from a place of more life experience and wanting the best for all of us youngins’ on here, and I greatly appreciate that. I just think it’s insanely ignorant to say that anyone else’s relationship (particularly if the couple is young) is immature because no one has any idea of how anyone else’s relationship works, and they never will, no matter how much we try to describe it.

Post # 23
Member
256 posts
Helper bee

I am 23 and my SO is 24. We are “waiting”, but expecting to be engaged by the summer. My SO and I have discussed wanting to get engaged/married for 2 years, however, we knew we weren’t ready for a myriad of reasons (ex: starting grad school, moving across the country, getting finances in order, etc.). I don’t think age is a prerequisite for being ready for marriage. There are 20 year olds who are ready and 40 year olds who are not. It’s case by case and it’s inappropriate to assume that anyone above/below a certain number should not be taken seriously.

Post # 24
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I HATE the whole “the brain isn’t fully developed until 25” comment. I think most people that quote that just heard it somehwere and likely haven’t taken any courses or education in normal development, the brain, anatomy, etc. 

It’s not like the brain has this HUGE jump in developement from 23 to 24 to 25. There are still slight changes taking place between age 24 and 25 but nothing earth shattering.  You don’t wake up on your 25th birthday with a huge leap in cognitive abilities and decision making skills. Seriously, if a 24 year old wants to get married go right ahead.

Post # 25
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

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basicallyaissa:  I’m 22 and I’ve been waiting for over two years, been with SO almost 6 yrs. As far as the bees who scoff at under 25 (one I even read the other day mentioned 27, like that was the random magical age, uh ok?), I think it’s silly and ignorant if they’re purely looking at “under 25” alone.

Yes, science suggests the brain develops into the mid twenties. But there is no magical number. And about 80% of it is already developed. I definitely have changed since my late teens, but my core beliefs have stayed absolutely the same. People mature at very different rates. But I will say, listening to people’s experiences, and even personal experience, it does seem to have good support that you change a good amount from late teens to early/mid twenties, so I do get the argument and can even agree with having time and not needing to rush when you’re very young (But it’s gradual change as one PP mentioned). <em style=”font-weight: bold;”><br />

In my mind, the stronger argument is that an 18-19 year old is probably not life ready, and therefore not in the best position to be getting engaged/married. Meaning, they probably just graduated high school/may be in college, don’t have or even know what career they will have. Where’s the money for a ring? Wedding? Etc. Will y’all’s future paths fit with each other? To me a mature 18-19 year old recognizes these things.

However there are plenty in the range 20-24 that may very well be graduated from college, knowing what they want to do, and having been in a long term relationship, are ready to just get their life started with that person. I don’t think that’s bad if you’ve been together a lot time and both parties feel ready.

But what DOES get on my nerves when I see a 19-21 yr old on here who has been with their bf 1-2 yrs wanting him to hurry up. To me, that shows immaturity. Because in that case, for one, 1-2 yrs is not a lot of time, two, that bee’s bf is prob NOT nearly matured or ready which she should understand given that they’re young, and that bee honestly is young enough to where she can easily wait it out a bit without freaking out. 

OP, I was like you a couple years ago. 20, about to graduate college and that was the milestone I needed to feel fine about getting engaged. SO graduated a semester before me and he was lucky enough to get a good job straight out, so we were good there. But obviously he wasn’t ready. I was disappointed but I was okay. But now he’s 25, we’ve been together almost 6 years, and I am impatient now. 

I see engagements/marriages pop up on my Facebook feed ALL THE TIME and it is not in 25+, it is in 20-24 range. It’s pretty common. I don’t get the 25 rule. I have a guy in my class who is 23 or 24, got married at 21 and he is one of the most mature, nice men I’ve ever met. I know 30+ (men and women) who still don’t have their crap together.

 

Post # 26
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

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  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  DancinDarlin. Reason: Duplicate post
Post # 27
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I’m 21 and my Fi is 23 we got engaged when I was 20 and he was 22. I hate when people make comments on how young we are!! We have been together for 5 years and I feel we have a mature relationship. We had party days back in highschool and arent interested in that anymore. My fiance has an awesome career I’m going to school for something I love and we just bought a house last year and he also has his dream car. So when people say we are young I just think how proud I am of all that we have acomplished at such a young age and not let it get to me. 🙂

Post # 28
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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swonderful:  Totally agree with everything you have said!<br /><br />I wish people were a little bit more sensitive about giving adive in good faith though. Even when it is coming from their own personal expreiences or beliefs, it’s only a truth for them and it cannot be applied to others around them.

I feel like I get a lot of comments like these… all from people who are trying to look out for me and help me, but in reality they usually aren’t helpful! When I got a tattoo, when I got my nose pierced, when I adopted my dog, when I moved out of my parents house, when I bought my own car, when I decided to go to an in-state university, when I decided to quit one of my jobs, when I decided on a certain major… many of these events included comments from my friends and family about how my decision making skills were not developed and I would eventually regret it. But I don’t regret any of these things, not in the tiniest bit. I love my school and my major, I love my dog and the house I live in and my roommates, I love my tattoos and my car and I love the responsibility of paying for my own car insurance and health insurance (haha!). Most of all, I love my girlfriend, more than I love anything else and anyone else. So of course I will be the one to decide whether it’s the right time to marry her and be bonded to her in more ways than we are now. And I already have made that decision and I know I am happy and my decisions will continue to make me happy. 

The things I do regret? Not taking chances, not being more outgoing, not communicating better with those around me, not reaching out and helping those people who need it, not trying to make more friends, not applying myself more, not experimenting with new social groups and situations more. 

So for the people who find themselves constantly offering advice based on their person experiences – remember that your experiences are yours only. They will not ever apply perfectly to anyone else. It can be hard being a young person surrounded by an older generation trying to guide our actions and measure our capacity to be adults. We will all end up making mistakes during our life time and there’s really nothing we can do to prevent that, so just live and let others live as well! 🙂

Post # 29
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Rocky Mountains-May 2017

View original reply
basicallyaissa:  I’m 23, probably getting engaged before I turn 24 in August, but we’ve been together for over 5 years and everyone I know expects us to be married by now lol. I think age can play a part in it, but maturity shows in people at different stages, so I don’t think age can determine much. The length of relationship can sometimes, but every person is different. 

Post # 30
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I have a main account that I purposely have not mentioned my age (I’m 21) in any threads for exactly this reason. No matter what, if you’re in your 20s or younger, you’re considered ‘young’ on the bee. There are a lot of wonderful bees whom it could not matter less to, but there are also the critical ones out there who are quick to judge unfortunately.

Everyone’s maturity level and stage of life is going to vary. I know an 18 year old girl who has a baby, is married and her and her husband both have decent jobs. They’re both extremely mature, and very responsible. On the other hand, I know a 35 year old woman (my bffs sister) who still lives with her mom, her mom does her laundry, cooks for her, she doesn’t work and still goes partying every night, with no sense of direction in life. You can’t really judge based on age. Its a case by case basis.

The comment about waiting until you’re older to mature really bothers me. Is 25 year old me going to be more mature than 20 year old me? Absolutely. But I’ll also be more mature at 30 than I am at 25, and more mature at 40 than I am at 30. But I’m not going to put my life on hold just for that. 

 

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