(Closed) Which comes first- the MRS or the PhD?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

I think this is entirely up to you guys.

Perhaps you guys could get engaged but not set the date until after graduation and just plan along the way. After seeing how much goes into a wedding, it would probably be really nice to plan with a nice faraway deadline and really make sure you get what you want without pulling out your hair trying to get it in 3 months. From what I’ve seen anways, most engagements are around a year, as it sometimes takes that long just to PLAN a wedding, or the venue wanted doesn’t have anything open that long.

That might be another thing to think about. Tell him that you understand him wanting to wait for the wedding until you graduate (he gets what he wants), but that most venues are booked out at least a YEAR in advance and that you would like to get engaged so you can begin planning now (what you want).

Hope this helps! Good luck with all of your studies!


Post # 4
330 posts
Helper bee

@Psychgirl First off, welcome to the Bee! Just because you get the ring doesn’t mean you have to get married right away. I had to have this convo with my SO a couple of times. It takes a long time to plan a wedding. It never hurts to start looking for a ring or saving money for a wedding. I would say bring it up casually or the next time he mentions something about “taking the next step”. Just be honest. Good Luck!

Post # 5
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I actually had a similar situation except both the Fiance and myself are in PhD programs.  We decided a long time ago that we wouldn’t get married until we finished with grad school.  We don’t live together and don’t want to until we’re married so one night I just asked him what we were going to do if we got engaged after we graduated and we ended up moving somewhere together, but we’d still live separate.  It got into a discussion about how we really just wanted to live together and be together and maybe we shouldn’t wait.  Besides, being in grad school you have a little bit more freedom about taking time off for honeymoon and all that, so a few months later he proposed!  

I would suggest bringing it up to him and just saying how you feel about it.  It sounds like he’s ready.  Maybe you should talk to him about the benefits of starting a job already married and dealing with the name change early on in your career.  I don’t know what field you’re in, but in the sciences with publications, your last name is important.  So maybe you can come at it from a career angle and say you’d like to not have to change your last name right after you get started in your new career.  I’m all for talking openly with your SO.  After all, marriages are built on openness and honesty right?   

Post # 6
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I was antsy, like you, before we got engaged. My Fiance and I had discussed and he was adamant about not getting married until I finish school (working on my bachelor’s, graduating in May) and I made him clarify whether he meant not getting engaged or not having a wedding. We wound up deciding that we wanted to have the wedding after my graduation, and then I had to explain to him how long planning a wedding will take.
When we had this discussion, I had about two years of school left, and it felt like forever. I told him, very firmly, that I needed a year to plan the wedding, especially if I will be in school and working at the same time. So, once we made it to May last year, I went a little crazy, but he timed it pretty perfectly.
So, my advice would be to explain your expectations and needs to him, and ask him to do the same. Guys sometimes just don’t understand what all goes into planning a wedding. Mine certainly didn’t. (Still doesn’t, really. Haha!)

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