Which Do I Prioritize: The Job Opportunity or the (LDR) Man?

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

When would the contract start? Can you take the position and work there for the 12 months, then move with your (THEN) fiancee? Best of both worlds: Taking your dream job, and then possibly moving to be with him after.

Post # 47
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

Eh… take the job.   What is he waiting for?  He needs more time?  If he truly loves you,  he will wait.   And if he truly loves you,  then why is he making you wait?  Etsy have some very nice inexpensive ring.   He can also propose to you without the ring.   He needs to commit to you before moving with him. 

Post # 48
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper

Any update OP? I imagine you’d need to tell the employer soonish? 

Post # 49
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Upon rereading OP’s post, I think it’s going to be important for your relationship to take the job.  Your boyfriend needs to understand that your life isn’t about waiting for him to get his shit together. 6mos is plenty of time to get a custom ring. If he chose to wait until the last minute, that’s a choice he made.  You guys agreed to a course of action. He doesn’t get to waste time, and then change the game plan later.  Showing a bit of backbone now will be good for both of you down the line.

Post # 50
Member
47 posts
Newbee

If I were serious about marrying the guy and I didn’t doubt his commitment I wouldn’t take the job. For me love>>job

Post # 51
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

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arizonali :  you love this person, he wants to marry you and start a family together, and your skills are transferable? Move, already! I don’t understand why everyone is team job. You can find another job easier than you can find another good partner. 

Post # 52
Member
2700 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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curlybeans :  Everyone is team job because he says he wants to marry OP, but is already saying he won’t honor their mutually agreed upon timeline. Words are cheap. I wouldn’t move, sacrificing an awesome, dream job, for mere words. 

Post # 53
Member
7817 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 knotyet :  Exactly. He wants her to sell her house and move to another country ASAP without a proposal and is asking her to do so even though she’s been clear that she won’t until he commits.

View original reply
curlybeans :  Love does not conquer all and he doesn’t want to marry her enough to pull the trigger and actually propose. What happens when OP sacrifices everything she has worked for and moves for him and then he continues to drag his feet about proposing/marrying? 

Post # 54
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
knotyet :  
View original reply
beethree : asking for an extension in timeline for a ring design isn’t what I’d consider to be “dragging his feet” or dishonouring an agreement. If OP is reasonably comfortable that he’s going to propose to her shortly, and by her own account is madly in love with him and they mutually want to begin a life together, then it seems to me she should move forward with that plan. Especially as OP feels her skills are transferable and could find work in Seattle. 

 

and though I would agree that love doesn’t conquer all, love that is restricted to rigid timelines with no flexibility and that isn’t characterized by the willingness to ever take a risk or make a concession or compromise is certainly doomed to fail. 

Post # 55
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee

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curlybeans :  but it’s not a compromise at all- she would be giving up *literally everything* for him.

Where is HE compromising in this? She would quit her job, leave her family and friends, pass up a wonderful opportunity and essentially uproot her entire life to move to be with him. And for what? A promise that he will propose at some point?

He couldn’t even hold up his end of the deal with the previous agreement on the timeline and for a very poor reason- he insists on designing a ring she doesn’t even want or need. He’s unilaterally moving the goalposts for a reason she doesn’t agree with. And he could still have a custom ring done within the original timeline- how is he so sure he wouldn’t have it in time?

So what makes you think he’d follow through with any further promises when he’s already gone back on what they previously discussed?

Are you saying she should just drop everything and move up the timeline they discussed for moving in while forgetting her own values of insisting on the bare minimum commitment of engagement (which isn’t even a legal commitment- just a promise to get married) to trap herself in a situation she’s not comfortable with just because of some words he said?

Like a PP said, if OP was so sure and confident it was only a matter of time he would propose, she wouldn’t be posting about this.

In theory what you’re saying sounds romantic and optimistic but in situations like this I always recommend to go the conservative route to protect yourself from crashing and burning in such drastic situations as moving to another state to be with a boyfriend. If he’s serious he can propose and they can plan their wedding while working on closing the gap. She can still move to be with him after he proposes. 

She can still turn down the job and not move to be with him and he can propose like he said he would. This is not an all or nothing situation and OP would be wise to remember that 

Post # 56
Member
1517 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

View original reply
curlybeans :  and what “risk” or “concession” or “compromise” is the boyfriend making? The biggest issue isn’t so much that he might drag his feet. The biggest issue is that OP is making all the sacrifices in this relationship, her bf can’t even stick to his own timeline to demonstrate his commitment, AND he wants her to drop everything ahead of schedule because he’s afraid she’s going to take this job. She’s prioritizing him, he’s not prioritizing her in any way. I get the vibe that he’s afraid of becoming suddenly single at 39, and he’s developed self centered tunnel vision.

A successful couple is a partnership. Both partners need to care about the other’s success, not just their own. OP’s bf doesn’t seem to be putting much thought into how OP needs time to figure out her house, get a new job, say bye to her friends, etc. Also, he had obviously put the ring on a back burner until the last minute. 

Have you seen all the posts where women have children/buy a house with/move away for men who end up dragging their feet on a proposal and or marriage? Most of these women had had full faith in their partners and thought their partners loved them and respected their desires enough to marry them. These women took a risk without taking measures to protect themselves, or waiting for their partners to demonstrate more commitment. 

No one is telling OP to throw this relationship away. It makes more sense for her to take the job so she can make an easier transition. She needs to look out for herself, esp since her bf doesn’t seem to be doing so. If this relationship is meant to be, it can survive long distance for another year.

I personally don’t think the bf is dragging his feet on purpose, but he certainly isn’t making OP’s desires a priority, while OP would be giving up everything for him. Such an imbalanced relationship is also doomed to fail, unless you figure this out as a couple, and make MUTUAL sacrifices. Compromise means meeting in the middle, not one partner dropping everything for the other. 

Post # 57
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

 

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neverbeenstungbee :  That may be the case — that she’s going to have to take the risk if she wants this life they’ve discussed, but we have no idea what compromises he’s made. We know a very small snippet of information.

I can understand your point about acting conservatively, but i don’t necessarily agree that taking a 12 month contract job and maintaining the course of her life in Vancouver is a more conservative approach than maintaining her relationship which she seems confident will be the bedrock of her future and family. I don’t agree that it would actually need to be one or the other, but OP mentions that it is, and I won’t assume I understand more about the situation than she does, I’ll take her word on it. 

Something she may need to ask herself is what she thinks would be the safest move. Does she think she’d be able to find another job more easily than she can find another partner, or vice versa? 

eirher way – I wish OP Godspeed in figuring out what to do and wish her the best of luck, whichever she chooses. 

Post # 58
Member
2700 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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curlybeans :  No, love shouldn’t be constructed by rigid timelines. But it should be built on trust, and obviously the OP doesn’t have full trust her bf will propose, or she wouldn’t be considering a job that she says would end the relationship, and she wouldn’t be posting here. 

Post # 59
Member
6170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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curlybeans :  bit exteme to ask if she would find a new job or new partner more easily. If the relationship can’t sustain her taking on a dream job for a year then it wasnt strong enough to begin with. I hate this fear mentality some women have, where they encourage other women to stay close to their man at all costs so they don’t dare lose him! 

Post # 60
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

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lifeisbeeutiful :  id actually argue that there’s more fear mongering from the opposite position – ie: take the job or you’ll end up like all the other women who post on this forum who end up devastated when the man strings you along and doesn’t ever propose.

i agree that it’s a difficult thought experiment – or even am extreme one, depending on your sensitivity, to consider what would make OP’s life less disrupted. I think we can also both agree this isn’t a decision to be taken lightly.

I don’t disagree that it doesn’t appear like it truly needs to be one over the other, but that’s what OP states to be the case, so again, I’ll take her word on it.

 

View original reply
knotyet :  your interpretation of what she’s feeling subconsciously and that her lack of trust is motivating her to post here could be right – and if that’s the case, OP would be wise to consider this.

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