(Closed) Which is a worse breech of trust?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
15283 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

The invasion of privacy.  You cant seriously expect your SO to check in at every move they make.

Post # 4
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

as long as the lunch was totally and completely innocent and could have just as easily been with a female, then i think the reading texts is worse.  

Post # 5
7581 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Why wouldn’t you tell your SO unless you had something to hide. I know that DH asks me “how was your day” every day. If I went to lunch with a friend I would tell him right then.  I would have been pissed if I was her SO as well. Being mad he checked her phone is just her way of turing around her own guilty conscious on him. I hate people who try to pass the buck when they’ve done something wrong.

Post # 7
5540 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Well, other than now that it is Christmas and there are present like things in emails and texts, Fiance and I don’t have an issue with reading texts/emails ect. I have nothing to hide from him so it doesn’t matter if he reads them. But there is a difference in us being mutally okay with it and snooping. Of course I also do think that if one is going out with a friend of the other gender, you should tell your partner, I don’t care if Fiance goes to do stuff with other women, but I want to know still. 

Post # 8
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think we should look at the motives here:

– Why didn’t she say anything to her SO?

  • although she knew it was innocent, did she also know her SO would not like it?
  • If the roles were reversed, would she like it if he went on an innocent lunch with a girlfriend? 

– Why did he feel the need to look in her phone?


Post # 9
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@tinylittlebird: I think it depends. Did he suspect her of something and read her texts because of it? Or did he read her texts for another reason and found the texts accidentally? I’ve gone through FI’s FB and texts before (and he’s gone through mine) say, when he’s driving and I’m texting a friend for him, or when someone sent us a place to meet and I’m looking it up to see where it was, etc. I think it’s wrong to just outright snoop.

But if the guy is a regular friend, and SO knows about him and there’s no history, I don’t really think there’s a reason to go out of her way to tell him. I would like to know if my Fiance was going to lunch with an ex, or if he was going to be home late from work because of lunch so I know not to worry… but a regular “let’s hang out” I wouldn’t think is a big deal at all.

ETA: I’m also in a LDR, so Fiance and I make plans and go places constantly without the other knowing, and we don’t get to talk that often…  if we lived together and I talked to him every day I guess I would just expect it to come up in conversation.

Post # 10
2495 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Definitely the text reading, but I could see how her SO would be a little upset if that’s not a boundary they had ever discussed in their relationship.  For some couples it’s a bigger deal than for others.  

I think they should discuss each other’s expectations for friendships with the opposite sex and what things are/are not ok with each of them, along with the level of privacy they feel is necessary in their relationship.

Post # 11
1476 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think not telling the SO about the lunch is so much worse. 

I guess I’m biased. I’ve snooped before on an ex and found something similar. Except the girl was his ex. But, I snooped because I suspected something. I don’t snoop with my Fiance because there’s no reason to. But, we also have no problems going through each other’s things, nothing we don’t already know about each other.

Post # 12
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Did she purposely hide it from him or did she just not think it was important enough to mention? I went to lunch with two guys yesterday and I didn’t mention it to my Fiance. I didn’t mention it because until I read this post, I had completely forgotten about it. 

Post # 13
7 posts
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree. If there’s trust and you really have nothing to hide then who cares if he reads your text or mail. But not telling him about a lunch date with another man is a big breech of trust. I wouldn’t imagine pulling something like that with my fi its disrespectful to him.

Post # 14
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

To me, it is the text.  I don’t tell my partner every thing I do each day.  I don’t expect him to report to me everybody he hung out with or talked to each day either.

If he read my texts, we would have a huge issue.

Post # 14
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

The lunch without telling….it’s weird she didn’t mention it. She obviously didn’t mention it because she knew it would bother him. So even if it was innocent the fact that she did something that her SO wouldn’t be ok with is wrong. 

I get that he should be secure enough or her to go to lunch with a male friend, but either way, if he isn’t then they need to work through that not go behind each others back.

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