Post # 1
Something happened to my friend that got me thinking about this, and I just don’t know how I feel.
Basically, she went to lunch with a male friend, and didn’t tell her SO about it. She isn’t cheating on her SO, so she didn’t think it was something she needed to tell him.
However, he read her text messages, and saw the message she sent to her friend about meeting, and her SO got upset that she didn’t tell him she was going to lunch with a guy. He felt like she should have told him.
But, to her, the bigger issue is the fact that he read her texts- she feels like this is a huge invasion of privacy and a breech of trust. She doesn’t read his texts or emails, so she feels like it’s unfair that he did this to her.
I personally can’t decide which is worse- not telling your SO who you’re going out with, or invading the privacy of your SO.
Which do you think is worse?
Post # 3
The invasion of privacy. You cant seriously expect your SO to check in at every move they make.
Post # 4
as long as the lunch was totally and completely innocent and could have just as easily been with a female, then i think the reading texts is worse.
Post # 5
Why wouldn’t you tell your SO unless you had something to hide. I know that DH asks me “how was your day” every day. If I went to lunch with a friend I would tell him right then. I would have been pissed if I was her SO as well. Being mad he checked her phone is just her way of turing around her own guilty conscious on him. I hate people who try to pass the buck when they’ve done something wrong.
Post # 6
That is the issue to him- even though she knows that it was innocent, he feels like an innocent meeting should have been something she could tell him about.
I’m with you, though… I don’t feel like anybody should have to tell their SO, husband, whatever every single place they go.
Post # 7
Well, other than now that it is Christmas and there are present like things in emails and texts, Fiance and I don’t have an issue with reading texts/emails ect. I have nothing to hide from him so it doesn’t matter if he reads them. But there is a difference in us being mutally okay with it and snooping. Of course I also do think that if one is going out with a friend of the other gender, you should tell your partner, I don’t care if Fiance goes to do stuff with other women, but I want to know still.
Post # 8
I think we should look at the motives here:
– Why didn’t she say anything to her SO?
- although she knew it was innocent, did she also know her SO would not like it?
- If the roles were reversed, would she like it if he went on an innocent lunch with a girlfriend?
– Why did he feel the need to look in her phone?
Post # 9
@tinylittlebird: I think it depends. Did he suspect her of something and read her texts because of it? Or did he read her texts for another reason and found the texts accidentally? I’ve gone through FI’s FB and texts before (and he’s gone through mine) say, when he’s driving and I’m texting a friend for him, or when someone sent us a place to meet and I’m looking it up to see where it was, etc. I think it’s wrong to just outright snoop.
But if the guy is a regular friend, and SO knows about him and there’s no history, I don’t really think there’s a reason to go out of her way to tell him. I would like to know if my Fiance was going to lunch with an ex, or if he was going to be home late from work because of lunch so I know not to worry… but a regular “let’s hang out” I wouldn’t think is a big deal at all.
ETA: I’m also in a LDR, so Fiance and I make plans and go places constantly without the other knowing, and we don’t get to talk that often… if we lived together and I talked to him every day I guess I would just expect it to come up in conversation.
Post # 10
Definitely the text reading, but I could see how her SO would be a little upset if that’s not a boundary they had ever discussed in their relationship. For some couples it’s a bigger deal than for others.
I think they should discuss each other’s expectations for friendships with the opposite sex and what things are/are not ok with each of them, along with the level of privacy they feel is necessary in their relationship.
Post # 11
I think not telling the SO about the lunch is so much worse.
I guess I’m biased. I’ve snooped before on an ex and found something similar. Except the girl was his ex. But, I snooped because I suspected something. I don’t snoop with my Fiance because there’s no reason to. But, we also have no problems going through each other’s things, nothing we don’t already know about each other.
Post # 12
Did she purposely hide it from him or did she just not think it was important enough to mention? I went to lunch with two guys yesterday and I didn’t mention it to my Fiance. I didn’t mention it because until I read this post, I had completely forgotten about it.
Post # 13
I agree. If there’s trust and you really have nothing to hide then who cares if he reads your text or mail. But not telling him about a lunch date with another man is a big breech of trust. I wouldn’t imagine pulling something like that with my fi its disrespectful to him.
Post # 14
To me, it is the text. I don’t tell my partner every thing I do each day. I don’t expect him to report to me everybody he hung out with or talked to each day either.
If he read my texts, we would have a huge issue.
Post # 14
The lunch without telling….it’s weird she didn’t mention it. She obviously didn’t mention it because she knew it would bother him. So even if it was innocent the fact that she did something that her SO wouldn’t be ok with is wrong.
I get that he should be secure enough or her to go to lunch with a male friend, but either way, if he isn’t then they need to work through that not go behind each others back.