(Closed) Which is a worse breech of trust?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I reversed the situation and pretended it was HIM going out to Lunch with a HER and then She checked the phone. As a woman, I would be off put if my husband went to lunch with a woman and opted to not tell me [because we normally share every detail]. I think it depends on the couple at the end of the day- some couples like to keep business private and its a non issue. Also, if this guy and girl are good friends, then it wouldn’t seem like a big deal.

I don’t think its a trust issue, more a lack of communication.

Post # 18
Member
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@tinylittlebird: I can see both sides as well. And I think the answers on this thread say it all- it depends on the couple and what they value. I hope they use this as an opportunity to discuss expectations- some want their SO to tell them everything, some don’t care. Some couples go through each others’ phones all the time, some refuse to allow that. Either way is fine but they hopefully will get on the same page.

Post # 19
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@tinylittlebird: Well then I really don’t think she should have had to tell him about it. In fact, making a big deal about it would seem more suspicious to me. 

As for him, did he read her texts because he doesn’t trust her? If so, that’s a problem.

Or, did he just happen to see the text for some other reason? I sometimes look through my FI’s e-mail. I do it if he’s been e-mailing about something to do with both of us and I want to see if they’ve answered (he’s way too slow at checking e-mail!) or even if I’m just bored. My Fiance knows I do this and is fine with it. He could do it to me if he wanted to and if he ever bothered to remember my password. 

Anyway, it seems like the biggest issue here is the fact that her SO has a problem with her going out to lunch with a guy. 

Post # 20
Member
4884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Absolutely, positively, 100% the reading of the texts.  If my fiance wants to go out to lunch with a female colleague/friend, that’s absolutely no problem.  His going through my texts, however, would be.  I have nothing to hide and I love him more than anything, but our relationship has us both operating as independent people who have come together with a common interest – each other 🙂  We both are entitled to our privacy.

Post # 21
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow lol I think not telling her SO that she was going out to lunch with another man was WAY WAY worse!! Going out on a “casual lunch,” to me, is still considered a date. Going out on a date with someone other than SO is a betrayal. I’m strict haha she should have done a group outing.

I think it depends on the couple though because Fiance and I have no privacy between telling each other every single little thing and having open access to emails and such. Also, I’m in a LDR so maybe that’s why I think the way I do…

Post # 22
Member
9478 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Not being honest is.  Seems suspicious.  I don’t care that Fiance goes through my texts cause there’s really nothing interesting.  I mainly text him anyways.  

Post # 23
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think it doesn’t matter which is worse. They were both wrong in what they did. It was wrong for her not to at least MENTION it to her SO (if she thought nothing was wrong) and it was wrong for him to go through her phone.

Both need to admit their wrongdoings, talk it through and move on.

Post # 24
Hostess
11163 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@kmsw: I agree.

If I ever have lunch with men or women I always casually mentioned it to my Fiance during my day breakdown over dinner. I am curious why your friend didn’t feel it was necessary to mention, do they not have that type of open communication?

I look at my FI’s phone all the time, especially if he is in the shower and something comes through etc. He is welcome to look at mine as well any time. I have nothing to hide and neither does he so I guess if he did look at it I wouldn’t feel violated.

So again it all depends on your motives I suppose.

Post # 25
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@KristenGotMarried: This. I don’t expect my FH to document his every interaction with the oppostie sex thats ridiculous. We are grown adults. I would f.l.i.p. my lid if FH dared to go thru my phone.

Post # 26
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

I think the biggest problem is that he is mad at her for having lunch with a friend. What is the big deal? Does she have to document every activity to her SO? You either trust someone is faithful to you, or you don’t. 

Post # 27
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Depends on the couple!  Some couples share almost everything while others value privacy more.   I wouldn’t care at all if my fiance looked through my phone or email, but I would definitely mind if he had lunch with a woman without telling me either before or after, since we usually tell each other little details about our day.

Each couple has to find their own balance.  Having a similar set of values helps a lot!

Post # 28
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Should I also tell him about how spicy my mustard was on my turkey sandwich too? I mean, c’mon.

The distinguishing factor for me is whether or not her SO knows the guy. It’s one thing to go out to dinner with a male friend, but a whole ‘nother story if this is someone that she has never mentioned, never brought up, never discussed with him. If he is truly a friend, her SO would know about him and there would be, in my opinion, no need for her to disclose it if it’s not something that she would typically do.

Would she be wrong if she went out to lunch with OP as opposed to a guy and didn’t tell him? Likely not, if they don’t have one of those “Oh we tell each other everything” types of relationships. I doubt he would pitch a fit over it either.

 

Post # 29
Member
6414 posts
Bee Keeper

It depends whether she deliberately kept it from him, and it doesn’t sound like she did. It sounds more like she met a friend for lunch, and just didn’t think to mention it. The only time I mention my plans to my OH, or vice versa, is if it will affect him, eg, if I’m meeting a friend so won’t see him until later, I’ll say, ‘Oh, I’m meeting x’. Whereas if I meet a friend for lunch while he’s at work (I’m a student), it’s not something I would go out of my way to tell him; it might come up in conversation (‘So, I was chatting to so-and-so earlier about x..’) but I wouldn’t make a point of calling him and telling him what I’m doing.

I’m surprised that so many people are assuming she has something to hide. Can I ask, would you feel the same if it had been a female friend? If not, why not? Men and women are perfectly capable of having strictly platonic relationships; I have a lot of male friends at work, and it’s just that: friends. Likewise, a lot of my female friends have very close friendships with men, and it’s just that, friendship: they see them more like a brother and if you ever suggested there might be some attraction, they would cringe.

So for me, assuming this was innocent, reading the texts is much worse. I don’t read my OHs texts, he doesn’t read mine; I know some couples are very ‘open’, but TBH, I think it’s healthy to retain some independence in a relationship. Also, it isn’t so much my privacy that I’m concerned about (though having been in an abusive and controlling relationship, if my OH started reading my texts and emails I would find it controlling and it would upset me), but the privacy of people who text me; if someone is telling me something personal, how would they feel about my OH knowing about it?..

Post # 30
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The fact that he snooped in the first place tells me he knew something was up.  People don’t just start looking through their partner’s e-mail/texts for the heck of it.  He was suspicious, dug a little deeper and proved his gut feeling to be correct.  The fact that she is trying to turn the tables on him to make him seem like the guility party for snooping is just, IMO, her attempt to transfer the guilt from herself onto him.

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