(Closed) Which is a worse breech of trust?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
7774 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Absolutely the snooping is worse.

DH has had female friends before and I don’t expect him to tell me absolutely every single time they go and grab lunch. I trust him more than that. He doesn’t need to document his every move to me. I kind of sounds like she just didn’t feel it was important enough to mention (which would be the reason DH wouldn’t tell me something like that.) Now, if she was deliberately hiding it from him… my opinion changes a bit.

Now, the text snooping was willfully invading privacy and breeching her trust. Shame on him.

Post # 32
6432 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply

I think that’s a bit of a stretch. For all we know, he regularly checks her phone, just now is the only time he’s ‘found’ anything and mentioned it. Some people are nosy, and some people have major trust issues; half the time, that’s why people snoop, not because they have a ‘gut feeling’ something is wrong.

Post # 33
597 posts
Busy bee

I would be PISSED if my Fiance got mad at me for not telling him about having lunch with a guy. That’s what trust is all about! First he snoops through her texts and then he gets mad about something as innocent as a lunch? He does not trust her and it is not because of this one incident. There’s got to be more going on here.

Post # 34
4597 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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@kmsw: <this

Post # 35
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

What? I go meet male friends/colleagues for a social lunch all the time? I don’t always tell my SO as it’s last minute arrangements but I tell him after, and he’s fine with it whether I told him or not. He trusts me.

What would really annoy me is if my SO read my texts without my knowing, jumped to conclusions and then thought the worst of ME when he was snooping! No, no, no – the fact he went behind her back and invaded her privacy and texts would really breach my trust, he is paranoid for no reason, perhaps he wants to find something bad out?

Post # 36
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

The invasion of privacy, no doubt. If I were to go to lunch with a male friend, hubs would have no problem. I certainly do not need to tell him every detail of my day. Just like I wouldn’t care if he went to lunch with a female friend without me. We trust each other and love each other, its just not an issue.

THe issue here is that he went through her phone, and is trying to make something out of nothing. Was there a particular reason he decided to go through her phone?

Post # 38
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The phone for sure! Not because I have anything to hide but because I have private conversations on there: I talk to my girlfriends about stuff I know they wouldn’t want him to know, etc.

I work in a predominantly male office….I go for lunch with my guy friends at work at least a few times a week. Sometimes one-on-one, sometimes in a group…I don’t tell Fiance everytime…but I also don’t tell him everytime I go with my girlfriends for lunch. I’m not keeping anything from him: sometimes I forget I went, sometimes it doesn’t come up, sometimes I don’t see him that evening. Fiance doesn’t care, he knows most of the guys, and also knows I would never do anything to ruin what we have. There’s nothing going on: why does he need to document my every move?

Post # 39
5653 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Eh, I don’t think either is “worse”, that is a matter of opinion. Basically I think she should tell him next time when she is seeing someone for lunch, even just as friends, who is a member of the opposite sex because that makes him uncomfortable. Also, he should stop snooping through her phone because that makes her uncomfortable.

Personally, I think his looking at her text messages is “worse” than her going to lunch with a friend and not telling him about it.

Post # 40
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@tinylittlebird: Thanks for the clarification. In that case, he needs to learn how to trust her because she did absolutely nothing wrong, IMO. It’s unfortunate that they’re going through this. 

I’m also curious about what you’ve said by way of supporting her and/or if you have any kind of update.

Post # 41
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

They are both wrong. If she knows her SO gets angry if she has meetings with other men.. then she shouldn’t have done it. If he knows  she gets upset if he invades her privacy.. he is wrong. They are both bad

Post # 42
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I go have lunch with  male friends all the time, and they are never really worth mentioning unless  something interesting happens ( like the crazy burgerking lady who stole his french frys.)  Where do you draw the line? I walked to class with so and so,  I sat next to so and so on the bus. I grabbed a bite to eat  with so and so. He doesnt need a an up to the min. intenerary  about my day.   Next week I am supposed to meet up with a friend from college. I havent acutally gotten arounnd to telling FI  yet, and if i dont it wont be that big of a deal, because he trusts me.

Post # 43
2738 posts
Sugar bee

I think the snooping is worse. Also, I don’t know that I get that she delibrately hid the fact that she was meeting someone from him. It could be that she forgot actually. I usually don’t like having lunch with folks as I use that time to catch up on reading, phone calls or I just take a walk and window shop. If I meet someone, I’d probably mention it to my husband. If I had a date to meet someone, I’d mention it too. Honestly, the thing that pisses me off more is to wonder WHY he had to go check her phone. There must have been a reason. That’s what she should be concerned about more.

Post # 44
4369 posts
Honey bee

What if she’s had same sex relationships before, would she have to tell him about every woman she’s having lunch with too?

Post # 45
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Going through the texts is the worse offense.  I have no idea most days who my husband eats lunch with, he some friends that work in the same area as he does.  It’s not that he’s keeping it from me, it just doesn’t matter enough to tell me. Sometimes he will say, “oh I saw so and so today,” or whatever.  It’s just lunch, no big deal.

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