(Closed) Which is Worse: Being Cheated On, or Being Afraid You’ll Be Cheated On?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think definitely being cheated on is worse of the two. 

First I would like to say this.  I am 100 percent PRO marriage (kinda obvious though) and 100 percent PRO family and some days I still can’t believe I ever divorced my xh because it’s just not like me to divorce.  I believe in marriage and all but one of my friends who  are married are doing fantastic (long term marriages btw).  I just turned 40 so I have had about 15 years of seeing all of this.  I believe lifelong love and committment exists and have seen it , so what I am going to write in the following paragraph is only what happened to me.  My opinions only.

My xh didn’t have a tendency that I or anybody else could notice.  Nope.  Never noticed him flirting or anything like that at all.  We were very happy and when I found out he’d cheated, it was years after we married, after we had our son, built our dream home, and were trying for another child so it rocked my world because none of it made any sense.  To me and imho, it’s a very selfish act, cheating.  Truly selfish.

I found out, was devastated, and looked in the eyes of my child and decided to stay and give it a go for I am one who doesn’t tolerate cheating.  I gave him six months to show me he was capable of rebuilding our committment, our marriage.  We went to counselors and even to counselors at our church.  After his last individual session the counselor had his session with me.  He told me something horrible.  He said my x was lying the whole time in there and that there’s no changing him.  I was crushed at this point even further and the counselor said to hire a pi to find out the truth.  sure enough, he had just cheated but done it with the stealth of a super spy or something and still was.  He just didn’t want to get caught or have me divorce him.  Wierd I know.

Fast forward, I divorced him and rebuilt my life slowly.  It was heartbreaking for both my little boy and I but we did it.  I still let him see his dad and am ok with all that for my son needs two parents.  We are just not in the same house. I also went to a divorce recovery class at church (huge church) btw.  There were almost a hundred in my class.  On the first day the instructor said he wanted to know something and that he’d been doing this on the first day of class for quite a while to figure out in his head why many marriages fail.  He asked us to raise our hands.  He said "How many are here because their spouse cheated?"  About 70 hands flew up.  How many are here because of money issues?  About ten flew up.  How many are here because they either just don’t get along or aren’t in love?  Another twenty or so hands.  So cheating was the main reason.   

A little over 3 years post divorce I met T.  We both love and respect each other and know the boundaries of our relationship well.  We both know that cheating is a deal breaker.    We both feel the same about cheating and I can tell you that this is a subject both parties need to talk about BEFORE ever getting engaged or married.  There has to be boundaries FIRMLY set in place.  I think we’re going to be okay.  I know nobody is immune, but I think knowing where we stand and how firmly we stand against that makes us respect our committment even more.  

To answer your question I think being cheated on is horrid and the worst of the two.  The fact is if I had stayed I would have ended up like my xh’s w.  She has been constantly for the last five years watching her back.  Wondering when and if he’s going to do it again to her.  And she actually is a nice person and I’ve made peace with her and like her now.  And I also pray for them.  They have a child together btw.  I hate it for their child and can tell you that THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE.  There has to be love, respect and healthy boundaries. 

So take it from me, cheating is definitely the worst.  But if you wish to affairproof your marriage as best as you can, talk about it BEFORE you get married.  have a very serious talk and lay down some boundaries. 

And remember this also.  Most of my friends ARE happy and doing great.  So don’t let this discussion of doom and gloom worry you too much. 

Post # 4
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

Both my husband and I experienced cheating in our first marriages.  So, we decided when we got married that our marriage was a ‘terminal committment"  And said "If you are going to cheat it better be good..cause I’ll kill you". Of course it is a joke but it is NO joke that we made a strong committment to be faithful.  Even if one of us catches the other ‘looking’ we laugh and say "Is she/he really gonna be THAT good?"

Post # 5
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@kazoochair:  I get totally what you’re saying.  It’s also "the last stop" for both of us too!  And imho, when they do cheat, it’s about a selfish thing, or having the feeling that they’re not being paid enough attention too and usually (my experience) is that they trade down with the cheat-ee!  Lol! 

 

Post # 6
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

That is a hard question.  I was cheated on in my first marriage but I think the worst part about it was when he denied it and I just KNEW it was happening but he made me doubt what I knew. It is an insane feeling. Once he finally owned up to it, as hard as it was I knew what I had to do.

That was my story. I have a friend (seriously LOL) and her husband had cheated on her with his ex-wife several times in their first relationship. When they got back together he was more mature in a lot of ways but that is always something she keeps in the back of her mind. I can’t tell you the countless days I have spent on messenger during work or at night on the phone convincing her that his is not cheating on her. Or how many times I’ve received the frantic phone call that he won’t answer his phone and he was supposed to see the ex-wife. In all honesty, I do believe he is being faithful. I think he and his ex problaby still flirt when she isn’t around, but I don’t think he’d ever let it go past that. But, what I am saying is, she has let several occasions be ruined because of her fears and insecurities. He is in the army and so he is always going to this or that training or whatever and right now he is in Iraq. I always tell her to enjoy her time with him and not let the doubts get the best of her. Just the other day, she was saying her defenses were down since he was in Iraq and if she should be worried about him cheating over there. LOL Some people just can’t let things go…

It really is a hard question and it can truly go both ways.

Post # 8
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Having lived with both I dont know which is worse to be honest.  Being cheated on hurts so bad but it hurts really bad but then it is the fear that it is going to happen again that constatnly haunts you.  Living with the fear of being cheated on is something that haunts you every moment of every day!  I dont wish either on my worst enemy!

Post # 9
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

yeah this is one of my worst fear; my mom was cheated on so was my bro; my mom was devastated and my bro is in fianacial ruin; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

If it happened to me I would feel crushed; I asked my Fiance if he’s ever done it, he said no he didn’t believe in it; one of his exes did it though to him; I have never cheated on anyone in my life; I don’t believe in it; I htink one thing is to ask upfront; I think once  a cheater, it’s difficult to not do it again 

 

It’s never happened to me, I’m sure I would be crushed and it’s sad it’s happened to others; good luck to you all

Post # 10
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Tough question for sure. I would want to know. i think being lied to about it and having it be hidden is way worse than him coming clean and admitting it. If he comes clean, there’s some guilt there. If he hides it, I would interpret that as less guilt because he’s trying to hide it. Knowing my Fiance, when he feels really bad about something, it eats at him until he tells me about it.

I’d rather know so I can kick his sorry butt out of the house instead of feeling like a fool for not knowing or trusting him too much. I’d be kicking myself over and over, I just know it. 

My Fiance has all the trust in the world until he actually does something to lose it. And like my mom said, once you lose trust, you never fully fully regain it. I’d always be questioning him. I don’t know if I’d stay or go. I think it’d depend on the situation and what happened and why. It’s hard to say how I’d react until I am actually put in that situation. 

But, it’s easy to say all that because I’ve never been in that situation that I know of. I dumped all my ex’s for a reason so if i found out they were cheating now, well, I really think I could care less.  

Post # 11
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Added:  I would not wish this, (what happened to my son and I courtesy of his dad/my xh) on0 ANYBODY.  And imho, if somebody cheats on you, then they have a high chance of cheating on that other person too..do it with you, will do it to you imho! 

It’s awful.  He inflicted emotional damage on my son he can’t take back.  Nothing on earth,  not even me meeting the real love of my life (other than my son who’s the other love in my life) will take away what my child has had to endure because of his dad’s cheating and selfishness. That is what it is..SELFISHNESS.

What seems to bother me is the LACK of care it seems these days about fidelity and committment in marriage these days.  Where’s the vow?  Where is the committment?  I hate to say this, but unless it happens to you, you could never know the pain of it.  There’s quite a few of us on the encore board who went thru this that could echo my sentiments.  

Post # 12
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

Bellenga thank you so much for sharing your story.  I also think cheating is ultimately an act of selfishness that shows disregard for the vow and institution of marriage.  When I met my now-husband, I asked him within our first month of dating if he had EVER cheated on anyone or EVER been the person with whom another cheated.  He said no.  (I have never done either of these things in any relationship either.)  I think that this is a question everyone who is serious about marriage should ask their potential spouse, as it shows what the person’s real attitude is towards cheating.  As they say, actions speak louder! 

Post # 13
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@CellarDoor – No, I don’t think my friend is crazy at all either. She is just a little paranoid sometimes. Sometimes they are having a great time and it seems like she is looking for something to go wrong – like everything is too perfect, something must be up. Their relationship in many ways is what some women could hope for. She loves him so much that she has given him so many chances and he is now becoming the man that she needs. They were young when they met and when she got pregnant with their daughter. Sometimes love evolves and people do come in to their own.

@Bellenga – I am so sorry for what you had to go through. I understand where you are coming from. My xh also cheated (in more ways than one, not only with another woman but also got in to drugs without my knowledge) and it tore our family apart. I raised my two sons on my own (the youngest was a newborn) until my fiance came along. Their dad calls them every once in a while but he is not active in their lives and the damage is irreversible. It is an act of selfishness that starts with cheating. He had no remorse until I found out and was ready to leave him. Even then, I was hurt and betrayed, of course I wasn’t going to just welcome him with open arms and when I didn’t he chose to try to hurt me more instead. THEN, he tried to get back together with me. I am so glad I didn’t because I still talk to many of his family members and apparently he is still the same exact person her was 13 years ago and doing the same awful things he did to me to his new wife.

Remembering all that just makes me even more glad that I found my love and that he loves my children and is 100% committed to helping me raise them.

I want to note, I don’t think everyone’s cheating story is an act of selfishness that cannot be changed. Yes, it is selfish when they decide to cheat. However, I have known people to get cheated on (more than I’d care to know thank you!) and even though not all have happy endings I can say I have seen some. The best thing to do is talk about it when it happens and truly find out why it happened. Some people have a hard time dealing with the reality of things and go about the "outlet" the wrong way. Bellenga is so right in saying, you don’t know how it feels until it happens to you. Respectively, you might surprise yourself with your reaction as well.

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