(Closed) Which is your priority? God, your marriage, children, yourself?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 122
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

fi and I are non religious, well he considers himself to be a greek orthodox yet he doesnt step a foot in a church but thats a different story.  i have a son and he has always been main priority. but i think the balance will shift some once i marry.

myself first

marriage/kids 2nd (equal)

ive always been mom, and neglected myself in the process, now that hes older im starting to focus more on my wants and needs. ill always be mom to him, but i am a woman first and foremost. mama needs her groove back.

Post # 123
Member
9815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@TiffanyBlue91011:  Why does it seem to bother you so much how other people run their own lives? It has no effect on you whatsoever.

Post # 124
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@slydon:  Well, in the Christian faith, those who believe in it love God too. 🙂

DH have talked about this a lot.  In general what we believe is that ‘prioritizing’ should come down to the relationship…

1.  Our relationship with God, each other, and our children is completely intertwined.  Our relationship with God, our morality, and what we believe permeates everything we do.  So, it’s impossible to not come first because you see it in the way we act, treat each other, and the choices we make.

2.  Our relationship each other would be a distinct type of relationship from children.  My kids would need a strong marital couple as their leaders in life.  So to me, it makes sense to keep my marriage strong FOR my kids, myself, DH, and everything. But, it’s not at the expense of my kids…

3.  Our relationship with our future children will be different.  We will be their teachers, guides, disciplinarians, and would be leading them in life.  So, it’s important to also develop those relationships specially with them in order to guide them.

 

t’s not about who gets fed first, or if they were dying who do you save.  I think it’s more how to do you view your relationships, and how they relate to each other. 

Post # 125
Member
4800 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m not relgiious. The other three are all pretty close, but I have to say that many of the moms I know who put their children way before anything else, including their marriage, have not really been healthy families/relationships. Whenever FSIL’s wedding comes up, she will say how great that day was, then adds, “But of course the day DS was born was way better, he is the most important person in my life.” And I just saw her husband’s face fall, it was so sad. And my Mother-In-Law is like this too…but now her children are grown and out of the house, and her and her husband just aren’t as close. So what happens then? She helicopter parents, babysits constantly, and coaches her daughter to have the same approach she always did, where mom knows best (especially when compared to dad) and should always be focused on the kids. So it’s difficult for me not to generalize based on the way this drives me CRAZY about my ILs! 

Post # 126
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@MissBoPeep:  That is me and my Fiance thoughts on it exactly. 

Post # 127
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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@slydon:  the thing is the point of being a believer in a God is to have a loving relationship with Him/Her/It. So it’s not a matter of putting X above someone you love, it’s about the hierarchy of love.

I realize this is very difficult for nonbelievers to understand (how do you have a close loving relationship with someone who is freaking INVISIBLE for instance?) but just go with me on this. I would describe it as the relationship you would have if you had the BEST mom or dad ever, or with your very best friend who sacrificed everything for you.

So for me it goes 1. God. 2. Marriage 3. Children/Myself (if we ever have living children, we lost our first in the first trimester).

In My Humble Opinion I think marriage is the foundation on which a family is built, so it needs to get the most attention. I put my children and myself on equal footing, only because I intend to be very, very good to my children and I also intend to be very, very good to myself! Maybe this will change after a live birth, who knows. But I definitely don’t want to be one of those women who lose themselves in parenting. I think kids do best when mom is having her own needs met, has her own non-kid related goals etc.

I am a Catholic and contrary to what was said by a pp, the Catholic God (who is also the God of the Jews, Muslims, Protestants, a whole bunch of religions) is presented as very loving in the various texts (Torah, Bible, Koran etc). More loving and accepting than most PEOPLE, at least. So I have no big problem making God #1.

Post # 128
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

you should always put yourself first along with , if you cant take care of your self how can you take care of anybody else? then your marriage then your kids….  You have to take care of your NEEDS, this does not include wants so that you can nuture you marriage and your relationship with your partner and take care of those NEEDS so that you can take care and have a strong foundation for your Childrens Needs!  

1 Me

2 Marriage

3 Children

I think when you put your kids first 100% of the time thats when relationships tend to fall apart b/c you dont meet the needs of yourself or your partner which is really sad.

Post # 129
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2002

Don’t believe in God and children come first to me and DH, absolutely.  Then our marriage and then ourselves.

Post # 130
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@KatyElle:  It doesn’t bother me but it does seem very selfish. Ultimately it’s the children who suffer when their parents are more concerned about themselves than their children who depend on them. Moreover I never directed a comment towards you and even ignored your previous  one directed towards me so why are you still talking to me?

Post # 131
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@TiffanyBlue91011:  if that isnt “judgey” i dont know what is. focusing on myself doesnt make me selfish, nor does my child *suffer* because of it, i still nurture him and am there for him, but ive also put more importance on being a better me, which makes me a better mom and fiancee in return.

 how can you fully take care of another being if you’re not taking care of yourself first? i think you can find a good balance in that list, it isnt black and white to where its ‘im taking care of myself now, my kid will just have to fend for himself’

i think its interesting how some here can be so critical of others beliefs, i dont necessarily agree with some of the viewpoints here that are centered around god but i can respect their beliefs and agree to disagree without being judgemental.

Post # 132
Member
9815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@TiffanyBlue91011:  Um, I can talk to you (and whoever else I want) because we’re on an open forum. Maybe if you’d drop the attitude you’d get better responses all around.

Post # 133
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I personally believe we are spiritual beings in physical bodies to experience physical existence. I am also a gnostic (not agnostic!) which means I believe many of the world’s great religions are equally valid. My spiritual development is number one. Before my daughter died, she would have been number two. Marriage is great and all (this will be my 3rd!) but if I am honest, I will admit that I put myself before a spouse.

Post # 134
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@TiffanyBlue91011: Taking care of yourself and your spouse does not make you selfish. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll never be able to care for those you love. You do realize that, right? I don’t think anyone is saying that they’re going to leave their kid on the side of the road so that they can catch a movie with their other half but the relationship between husband and wife needs to remain strong in order for the family unit to stay intact. If you constantly put your childs needs (no matter how small) before that of your signifcant other, I don’t picture that relationship lasting. Obviously there will be times when junior needs to come first but that won’t always be the case. There needs to be some middle ground for all parties to remain happy. 

While we’re at it, I think you need a chill pill. This is a public forum and everyone has the right to “talk” to whoever they want. If you have such a problem with that, you won’t last very long here. 

Post # 135
Member
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i never thought about an “order” before. But i imagine it would vary by circumstance so I can’t really give a definite answer. I like to think that I will have balance in all areas and when the balance falls, then i will do what i need to reset it.  Though i also don’t factor god into the equation, so i guess i would like a balance of my children, my marriage and myself (and myself would include my health and my career).

Post # 136
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@TiffanyBlue91011:  Its not focusing on yourslef in like I have to go party with my husband and leave my kids at home or with a nanny 24/7 its saying that you have to put your NEEDS first!!!  If you do not take care of yourself then how do you take care of anybody else???  And the relationship with your husband needs to be strong and come before your kids, not saying to be gone or away or make your kids suffer but if your relationship is not a priority then that will suffer and lead to MAJOR problems which hurt your kids!!! 

the NEEDS of your kids are important, you shouldnt put getting your hair done before going to your kids basketball game.  That would be selfish, and thats not what people who say they come first and their relationship come second and kids come 3rd are saying…. Putting your kids first all the time and not taking care of your realtionship with yourself and your husband will hurt you and many times leads to divorce

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