(Closed) Which of the following 'kid free wedding' scenarios do you find offensive?(POLL)

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: Which of the following 'kid free wedding' scenarios do you find offensive?
    Kid free wedding in any form. My kids are a part of me - don't invite me and not them. : (17 votes)
    3 %
    They have flower girls / ring bearers but other kids aren't invited : (38 votes)
    6 %
    Family-guests' kids ARE invited but friend-guests' kids ARE NOT invited : (91 votes)
    15 %
    Immediate family's kids (bride or groom's nieces and nephews) not invited : (48 votes)
    8 %
    Breast feeding infants not invited : (110 votes)
    18 %
    Out of town guests' kids not invited : (55 votes)
    9 %
    No kids due to bride/groom preference as opposed to inappropriate venue/costs/maximum headcount etc. : (16 votes)
    3 %
    Kids can come if needed but have to stay in supervised (fun!) crèche and not allowed to join adults : (35 votes)
    6 %
    None of the above. If I have kids I might not attend for logistical reasons but not upset/offended : (204 votes)
    33 %
  • Post # 33
    Member
    766 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    strudle:  I think that ends up being an odd distinction, personally.  The portion of the wedding where kids have the potential to be the most disruptive is during the ceremony and dinner.  Once they’ve made it though that, I think it’s really up to the parents as to whether or not they want to subject their kids to the late night and loud music.  And as the bride and groom, you are unlikely to notice, especially if there aren’t a ton of kids.  And I don’t know if parents will appreciate you making the decision for them about cutting loose and not worrying, you know?  Plus, basically those parents will have to leave unless they can arrange for someone to pick up their kids or you have a babysitter on site.

    Post # 34
    Member
    7171 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I have no problems with a childfree wedding, and I had one myself. I had a Flower Girl & Round Brilliant, the kids of my Maid/Matron of Honor. They were welcome to stay at the reception but my BFF preferred for them to go home with a sitter so she could enjoy herself and not have to spend the whole night watching over them. All of our friends were totally ok with it, booked sitters immediately. We had a few family members who couldn’t make it, but honestly, everyone we cared about made it happen and was there. I feel really blessed to have super awesome friends who still manage to function as people, without their kids. We regularly have girls night, and even girls vacation w/out their kids. They all love their kids fiercely, but it doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy time without them. They are proof, to me, that you don’t have to stop being you just because you’ve had a baby.

    I get really irritated seeing the argument that “weddings are FAMILY events and so children should be invited”. I’m sorry, but there are many kinds of families these days, and everyone has a different idea of what that looks like. That’s like telling me that my Darling Husband and I are not a family because we don’t have kids yet. 

    Part of becoming a parent means that there are things in life you’ll have to miss out on because of your kids. That’s life. I silently eye-roll every time I hear that breastfeeding mothers should be an exception to the rule. Why? Your boss doesn’t allow you to bring your baby to work simply because your BFing? If you are truly exclusively BFing and not pumping for a bottle at all, well sorry, but that’s the choice you’ve made. You wouldn’t take your baby to the Opera, or a Broadway show, or to a bar…simplying because your BFing and won’t pump. I don’t understand why a wedding should be any different?

    I’m probably really biased, because as a wedding photographer I see it all. It’s not that kids are bad at weddings, but they’re being kids, and it’s disruptive. It’s also, quite frankly, really annoying to the guests who are there without their children. I think the biggest gripe I hear is that the kids are constantly in the way and taking over the dance floor. It’s cute for a few songs, until the adults can’t dance because they’re being knocked into by kids. Last weekend my wedding had the most amazing and expensive band from out of town. The kids TOOK OVER the dance floor, and even though the adults were all amazing dancers (think beach music shagging) they could hardly get on the dance floor because of the kids and it was really a dissapointment. A lot of guests left early because the alternative was to sit around and watch the 15 little kids slide all over the dance floor. 

    I think that there are certainly weddings where having kids is ok. Informal weddings, casual BBQ’s, etc. However, I strongly feel that formal weddings just aren’t the place for kids. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    766 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    berrybelle:  We chose to invite kids of closer family, but due to space constraints could not invite kids of my extended cousins (beyond first cousins – there were a lot of them!) or of friends.  No one seemed offended.  One friend asked if she could bring her 10-month-old because she couldn’t get him to take a bottle, and we said that was fine.  Breastfeeding babies are always OK by me.  She was able to get him to stay with the grandparents ultimately and I think she had a lot more fun because of that, but that was her call to make, not mine!

    Ultimately the only thing I would be hurt/offended by is not being able to bring a breastfeeding baby.  Any other kid-related choice is the choice of the bride and groom, and to each their own.

    Post # 36
    Member
    893 posts
    Busy bee

    I don’t have a problem with children, as long as the parents understand it is their responsibility to supervise them closely, sacrificing their own time and fun at the wedding, and not making it my problem, and it doesn’t come at an extra cost to me. That said, I come from a family where even my siblings and cousins are considered children still, so I couldn’t do a child-free wedding even if I wanted to. I attended my aunt’s wedding my mom’s best friend’s wedding when I was a child, and I remember both weddings and had very positive experiences and I doubt my siblings/cousins and I were nuisances to anyone other than our own parents. However, there has to be a limit. I can’t have it turn into a child’s birthday party or be expected to pay for a hundred little ones just because our friends can’t bear to leave their child with a sitter/grandparent for one night. 

    So to answer your question, the ONLY scenario in which I would be offended would be if children in the immediate family (siblings, nieces/nephews) weren’t invited. I don’t think any other one of those scenarios should offend people since they are pretty fair reasons to have a kid-free wedding.

    Post # 37
    Member
    1206 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I’m not a parent yet but I just don’t understand getting offended by this.  Just because you have a kid doesn’t mean they should go everywhere with you.  All of our friends from my FI’s side had childfree weddings and since we’re one of the last to get married they all have children now.  We haven’t specifically said no children but none of our friends want to bring their kids to an evening wedding, they want a fun night out for themselves.  Quite frankly I’d be offended if they insisted on bringing their kids after having their own weddings be kid free.  

    I think there are definitely some exceptions to the rule, like it’s nice to let infants come if they are breastfeeding otherwise the mothers may not be able to attend.  I also don’t see anything wrong with having a Flower Girl or Round Brilliant there because they are in the wedding.  To me it would be much more rude to basically say they can be like props for the wedding but aren’t allowed to come to the reception.

    Post # 38
    Member
    6878 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    People are seriously offended if they’re just FRIENDS with the bride and groom and their kids aren’t invited but the FAMILY’S kids are? Really? That’s family. That’s a clear distinction. While you might be close with the couple getting married, you’re not actually family. Those kids are related. Big difference. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    740 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    i thought parents liked having a “night off” from the kids

     

    Post # 40
    Member
    2454 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I can understand breastfeeding infants as an exception.

    I can’t fathom why people think it’s offensive to invite some kids but not others provided the relationship is different. There’s a difference between inviting a nephew you see every week versus inviting a friend’s kid you see once a year.

    I’m a huge proponent on inviting based on the relationship level with the kids, not a forced all-or-nothing choice.

    Post # 41
    Member
    47287 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t care who is or is not invited no matter what their age. The hosts get to determine the guest list, not the guests.

    View original reply
    londonchick:  Careful! It will be mere moments before a Bee posts that is very patronizing for you to decide what other parents would enjoy.

    Post # 42
    Member
    29 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    I voted immediate family’s kids (neices and nephews) but I want to elaborate because I was a “kid” left out of the wedding.

    My aunt got married to my dad’s brother ~10 years ago. Her mom wanted a “kid-free wedding” so only the neices and nephews over 18 were invited since she was footing the bill. There were 10 of us cousins all relatively close in age. (12-23) My uncle fought for my 17 yr old cousin to go because she was his goddaughter. My sibs and I were ages 12-16.5 and were left out. I was 16.5!! Whats the difference between that and 17? I would understand if there was a large age gap (like we were 7)

    It was really the my aunt’s crazy mom’s choice and my aunt has since formally apologized to me many times. I just thought splitting cousins up like that was offensive.

    I think leaving young kids out is perfectly fine regardless of choice. Seconded PP who stated rude to have Flower Girl and Round Brilliant in wedding as props then not invited to reception

    However, if there are tons of young kids you may be pressured to provide some accomodation. I babysat with a friend for my neighbor’s wedding and they had ~12 little kids under age 6 that were set up in an adjacent room with chicken fingers, coloring, and toys. Parents could check in from the wedding as needed. It was a blast! (I also ended up making major $$ because everyone who had a kid there basically slipped us 40$)

     

     

    Post # 43
    Member
    6852 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I alway find it ironic when people like children well enough for photo ops to have them as flower girls or ring bearers, but in general don’t want them around and don’t allow other children there. Interesting double standard that when the children can benefit them they’re okay, but otherwise they are annoying and not worth the expense.

    Overall, people can have whatever kind of event they choose. It is their money and their prerogative, and I am never offended if I am invited somewhere and my children are not. I may not always be able to make it due to logistics, but it isn’t offensive. For me personally, I’ve always viewed a wedding as a union between two families and not a “me-me-me” affair, so I had children at my wedding. Most people do invite children where I live, but then again, most weddings are not black-tie affairs held in historic venues, either. I can see both sides, and I don’t begrudge someone either way. I just find the double-standards of some children are okay, but not others, annoying.

    Post # 44
    Member
    1294 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    Here’s my stance. I don’t get offended when it comes to kids. Because kids tend to be annoying and obnoxious, and people usually love them or hate them. There’s also a time and a place for them. If you have a casual family wedding, kids are probably more welcome. A black tie affair? Not so much. If you don’t want kids at your wedding, that’s totally up to you, and do not budge.

    But……if my child isn’t invited and I go through the hassle of finding and paying a babysitter for a nice, kid-free evening (I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom, so I don’t have one readily available) just to show up and my nice, kid-free evening is interrupted by having to deal with a bunch of other sticky-fingered snot monsters running around, I’d probably see it as my daughter (or us) not being “important enough”. I’d probably call it an early night, give my kid extra snuggles when I got home, and brush it off in the morning.

    I understand about budgets and how people tend to multiple like rabbits. You can’t let every family invite every kid, or else it would be chaos. But I’m a pretty big believer in all or nothing. I’m assuming if I’m going to someone’s wedding, I’ll know their nieces and nephews, and I understand ring bearers and such like that, so those are expected.

    But doing close family and friends’ kids and not inviting the rest of ours, kind of draws that line of who’s important and who’s not and can cause some real bad negative feelings.

    Post # 45
    Member
    1294 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    echomomm:  I always thought of flower girls and ring bearers as “special kids” to the bride and groom, like godchildren or nieces or nephews. But around here, I see a lot of “oh, so and so has a little girl, let’s have her do it.” Anywho, that’s my two cents.

    The topic ‘Which of the following 'kid free wedding' scenarios do you find offensive?(POLL)’ is closed to new replies.

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