(Closed) Which one of us should move? (LONG, sorry!)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do?
    I would move : (6 votes)
    21 %
    I would ask him to move : (22 votes)
    79 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4046 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    OK, you say there are offices for his company in every city. Is there a city near you, and could be logically tranfer to that office? Would the fact that he is Canadian make a difference at all?

    Post # 4
    Member
    3755 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    Do you think you will be happy with a person that doesn’t value relationships as much as you do? I’m sure you’ll be happy to go to see your friends and family alone sometimes, but don’t you want to be with someone that wants to share in that closeness with you? Especially down the line when you have children?(If that’s your plan anyway..)

    Post # 6
    Member
    1486 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    For me, unfortunately, it would come down to money.

    Do you both have savings to hold yourself over while he found a job?  Would he have to go through a long/expensive process to move o the U.S.?  These are things to consider.

    I did what you’re dreading–I moved across the country from my family, and lived there for two years.  And it was HARD.  I was completely reliant on Darling Husband for socialization, and it was so isolating that eventually, I started inviting misfits from his office over just so there would be some people in my house.

    True story, we moved in May, and that November, I had 30 people over for Thanksgiving, because they had nowhere to go, and I was so lonely.

    That all being said:

    We now live in the same town as my family.  After two years, I couldn’t take it, and when we had Dirty Delete, we reasonsed that she should be around her family.  And you know what?  I miss our relative isolation!  Sure, it’s great to see them.  But your dynamic changes when you’re on your own.  It made us stronger.  We now have virtually no issues presenting ourselves as a unit, because that’s what we are.  So Holiday squabbles, vacation issues, all of that, is between the two of us, and no one else.

    Since one of you has to move, I would probably make the move to him.  But do it under trial conditions.  (I agreed to give our move one year, and then after a year, we discussed it before we stayed for another).  From there, if you’re miserable, and still wanting to move, you can both start looking for jobs remotely, so you won’t be here with nothing.

    Post # 7
    Member
    771 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @ConfusedCaliforniaBee:  You say there are offices everywhere?  Does he consider transferring?  If he transfers, does that mean a demotion/pay decrease?

    To me , career and finances trump friends and family.  Because A – you need your financial house in orderbefore marriage and B – He is your family once you marry him.

    But if he’s able to make a lateral move with same pay near your home city, I think he should move to you.

    There’s a few other factors I need in order to give you a final opinion…

    Post # 9
    Member
    3718 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Something very similar happened with a good friend of mine. What they agreed to was that he looked for work in her city for 6 months. If he found something, he would move and they would give it a 6 month trial and then re-evaluate if that location was working. If he didn’t find a good job in his field, she would move there, give it a 6 month trial, and then go from there.

    What ended up happening is she moved without a job. His friends’ girlfriends and coworkers took care of her and she is happier than ever (and flys home once a month)

    Post # 10
    Member
    678 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I had the same fear when I moved from Florida to Alaska for SO’s job (INTERIOR Alaska mind you, not even a big city like Anchorage 😉 The people I have met here have ended up being the most phenomenal friends I have ever had in my life and I am socially as busy as ever. Never would’ve guessed that outcome. In fact I had anticipated the opposite.

    I also found that moving away from family means that when I do go to see family/close friends, I appreciate that time together so much more and make sure that it is truly “quality time.” In a way I am closer to my family now than I was when we all lived much closer together geographically, thanks to text messaging & email!

    Cali & eastern Canada sounds like quite a long haul though, it might be worth it to check out how long of a trip would be, how expensive are plane tickets, and figure out how many times a year you could make the trip. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    3755 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    When I first started dating my Fiance he had a hard time adjusting to me always wanting him to come to my family get togethers, since his family doesn’t see each other nearly as often. It really bothered me that he wasn’t into it as much as I was. We were able to compromise in that I had to decide which events were really important to me, and which ones he could skip. But now he pretty much goes to everything without complaints and things are much better. That’s why i asked. You seem so much like me and I don’t know if I could be with someone that’s not as close with friends/family as I am. It’s really good that he does get along so well and is willing to go along with your plans. 

    If I were in your shoes, I would be struggling too, I couldn’t imagine leaving my friends and family!!

    Post # 16
    Member
    3718 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @ConfusedCaliforniaBee:  I live in a major city now, but grew up in rural, middle of nowhere hood. I am way more issolated here. It is super easy to make friends in a small town. I would naturally be worried because that is who I am, but when my parents moved from the suburbs to the middle of nowhere, they said they made more close friends in 6 months than they had in 6 years.

    The topic ‘Which one of us should move? (LONG, sorry!)’ is closed to new replies.

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