(Closed) White lies taking a toll…need to vent!

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How would you feel about your SO telling white lies to get out of trouble?
    As long as they're little lies like this, it's not a significant issue at all. : (4 votes)
    4 %
    It would bother me but I wouldn't let it affect our relationship. : (6 votes)
    6 %
    It's something we would definitely have to work hard on. Trust is a big deal. : (63 votes)
    61 %
    This would be a deal breaker for me. : (25 votes)
    24 %
    I'm the one that needs to work on this issue! : (6 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    68 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    If people will lie about the little things, they will lie about the big things.

    I’m not a fan of a liar, no matter the lie.

    Post # 5
    46421 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @chickspartan:  I am not condoning lying.

    Do you think he lies because he is afraid of telling the truth? Do you grill him about everything he does? Does he feel that he is not allowed to have a drink with colleagues, get behind schedule at work, etc?

    I can’t imagine my even wanting to know such details. If he’s late, he’s late. I just appreciate the heads up and would never ask why.

    Post # 6
    2481 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’m not a fan of accepting “little lies” in a relationship. Trust is a huge issue for me. Although it does sound as if your SO is somewhat immature still because the sort of lying to get out of trouble that he’s doing is what I’d expect from a child. Who I’d expect to grow out of the habit!

    Post # 7
    1400 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @chickspartan:  little lies usually grow bigger. You’re experiencing this right now. At this point it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me but it would warrant serious discussion and some changes.

    And if things didn’t change then it woul be a deal breaker.

    Trust is a BIG deal, even on the small scale.

    Post # 9
    492 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    @julies1949:  +1 

    I agree, OP, do you grill him a lot or give him grief on the little things? He’s probably sick of being nagged at and using white lies to avoid confrontation.

    These small lies could lead to bigger ones down the road.  I would probably address it with him asap before it escalates. Figure out why he lies, and what you can do to help it.

    Also, I wouldn’t care about him being 10 min late from work, whatever the circumstance…. and probably won’t care if he missed his flight, things happen. I almost did that once, was finishing up dinner at the airport with collegues and almost missed my flight, lol.

    Post # 11
    2947 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think these are a little bit bigger than “little white lies.”   They show that he has serious issues with taking the blame.  There is a big difference from the white lie of telling a sick friend that they are looking better, and lies that are self serving like this. 

    There must be a root cause.  Maybe you don’t over react, but maybe his parents would have.  Either way, I would seriously think about therapy for him or both of you, as this shows a much larger issue. 

    Post # 12
    4432 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    The first lie examples you said…were nada to me…

    But this recent one seems like a REAL white lie….if that makes sense?  I don’t trust that at all. The word “business meeting” rubs me the wrong way to begin with…thanks to movies and tv shows.

    I would have a serious sit down with him…

    Post # 13
    13015 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Nope, I wouldn’t tolerate Darling Husband lying to me, and I don’t call these white lies.  I think it’s a problem.

    Post # 14
    46421 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @chickspartan:  My Darling Husband is back east on business as we speak. If he chooses to take a later flight home on Thursday because he wants to visit with his buddies– guys he used to work closely with- then more power to him. He’s an adult and can make his own ararangements to get on another flight.

    We trust each other and he will  let me know he is coming home later, but I would never ask why.

    Post # 15
    3553 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    My Fiance lies like this to his parents because of the insane amount of guilt tripping and manipulation his mother subjects him to. He also has a tendency to do this to friends and aquaintances because he is insecure and has low self esteem. The only people he doesn’t lie to like this are me and his best man because we’re to only people he feels accept him for who he really is and he doesn’t feel the need to put up a front with us.

    The fact that your Fiance feels the need to put up a front with you is at the very least a yellow flag which could easily become a red flag. It is definitely not ok and something that needs to be worked on. Lack of trust can destroy a relationship very quickly. You guys definitely need to work on your communication and get to the root of why he feels the need for this behavior.

    Post # 16
    2224 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @chickspartan:  I will speak from your FI’s point of view, as this is something I used to do when my Fiance and I were first dating. I would lie about little things to Fiance every once in awhile, not to get out of trouble, but because I was afraid of disappointing him or having him think I was any less worthy than I wanted him to. It was stupid and it really negatively impacted our relationship, but at the same time, I kept doing it. Why? I don’t know. I am anti-confrontational by nature, so I think sometimes, it was just easier. But then it got to the point where Fiance was suspicious of things (like you are now) and when he would catch me in a little white lie, it would turn into a HUGE fight. 

    Fiance once told me that I didn’t have to worry about disappointing him. He knew me and he loved me, and no minor little thing was going to change that. What WOULD change our relationship was a lack of honesty. I really took that to heart (and considered what I would feel like if HE was the one lying) and haven’t told a white lie since. 

    Your Fiance needs to understand how upsetting this is for you, and you need to make it clear to him that, no matter what, the truth is always better than a lie. You also need to make him understand (like my Fiance did) that nothing he does (within reason, obviously) is going to make you stop loving him or stop respecting him as an equal.

    Hope that helps and good luck!

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