- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I haven’t gotten on this forum in a long while. I havent bothered with wedding-related things because I cancelled the wedding.
I didn’t cancel it because we broke up. I cancelled it because my grandmother just died.
We always had a very small family. It was only me, my uncle, my father, and my grandmother. It was always four. I met someone a few years ago, and then we became five. Just when I had gotten accustomed to us being five, we became four again. This is very hard for me to accept for a variety of reasons.
Before, my uncle was the bread-winner. My father was the handy-man. My grandmother was the man of the house. I was “the baby,” “the princess of the house,” as my father affectionately calls me. I am 27 years old and it seemed I would always be that.
Now that my grandmother has passed, I’m getting very scared. I dont know what my role is anymore. There were so many things I wanted to do with my life. I had hopes of travelling, teaching english abroad, working in different places in the US and moving to Seattle. I was getting really into photography and thought I could persue that and make it into some great hobby of mine. I don’t feel like I can do any of those things anymore. I always put off having children so I can be free and live my life first, and now it seems that all of a sudden I have two children I didn’t bare. My father is 72. He’s healthy and very active, but he’s still getting older. My uncle is 57.
What if they get sick when I’m not here? What if my dad dies? What will happen then? I won’t be able to do anything, will I? And I’ll feel so alone.
I love my dad and uncle very much. They’re both fathers to me. But I can’t help but feel so sorry for myself and wonder if I’ll ever be able to do the things I wanted to do without feeling guilty for leaving them at home or wondering if they’re okay.
I do want to help them. I dont live with them so I’ll have to teach them how to cook in case I can’t go or if they’re hungry and I’m not there. I’ll clean and wash their clothes and look after them. I love them and I’m very close to them. I want us to always be together and be happy. I just wonder if I can be with them and do the things I want to do without feeling like I’m abandoning them.
What happens now? What do I do? What role do I play? Who am I?