(Closed) Who comes first… your husband or your children?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Who comes first, spouse or children?
    The children should always come first : (67 votes)
    22 %
    Children should only come first when they are very young, then your spouse should come first : (42 votes)
    14 %
    Your spouse should always come first : (130 votes)
    42 %
    They should be equal (please elaborate below) : (57 votes)
    18 %
    Other (Please explain!) : (15 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2269 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Can’t say much because I don’t have kids yet. I don’t have an official “spouse” either so… I guess he comes first? For now? I don’t know how I’ll feel when I become a parent.

    Post # 4
    Member
    4275 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Married with child on the way, we both agree that the children should come first. I can’t really see there being an age cut-off at this point.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    964 posts
    Busy bee

    We are a family and everyone is equally important. As a family we will put first the member that has the most need.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I think children should come first. After all, children are blood relatives and depend on parents for their physical, social, and emotional needs. A spouse is an adult who should be able to take care of themself.

    I’m kind of curious to hear the logic of those who say spouse should come first.

    Post # 7
    Member
    7752 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m married with teenage / young adult kids.

    When they were young, it was kids first. Darling Husband was independent, they were not.

    Now, it is gradually changing. Their social activities tend to come ahead of ours, but we support each other and are almost always on the same page (against one of them) in disputes. So while on the surface I’m putting kids first, emotionally it is Darling Husband first. (So I voted “other”)

    Once they are adults it will be Darling Husband first, no question.

    Post # 8
    Member
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    My parents made it totally clear … first was god, then them, then the kids.  If there is a breakdown along the way .. the entire house of cards fall apart.

    How can you take care of your kids effectively as a unit if you two don’t take care of each other .. no brainer

    Post # 9
    Member
    84 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    As long as the kid is a child, their life and well-being should be considered more important than yours or your spouse’s as they are completely dependent on you. However, I do think that your marriage should be on the top of your list of priorities. Not because I think the marriage itself is more important than the child, but because I believe having a healthy marriage is the best thing you can do for a kid.

    Post # 11
    Member
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    My mom passed away years ago … I wrapped the first present my dad bought her … a locket with them on a bicycle built for two (it’s a broadway song) and on the back it’s inscribed … “FIRST ALWAYS”

    I’m sorry but the love and devotion they showed in front of us was the best thing for a child, gave us confidence, security and a great example of what a marriage should be.  It’s not that they neglected us, or didn’t feed us, cause we were dependent on them, in fact for the entire first year of our lives they never left us with another person  other than one of them.  It gives a kid confidence to not have to worry about home.(they sacrificed four kids in one bedroom apt in the bronx so we werent wealthy) 

    I was 15, in the mall with my first b/f holding hands.  There is this “old” couple up ahead of us and the man suddenly dips the woman (in the middle of the mall) and plants a long loving kiss on this womans lips.  My b/f is like EWW GROSS and I’m blushing … he’s like ew look at those old people …… yeah those were MY parents.  At 15 so embarassed … at 20 knew that keeping the juices flowing in a relationship was key to making the family survive.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    623 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I think it’s a very fine line, but the ‘who comes first’ banner needs to be adjusted to suit the needs of the family at different times and depending on the circumstances.

    If we’re talking about a parent who wants a study vs a child who wants their own bedroom- the childs needs should take priority. 

    If we’re talking about a husband/wife who believes in the importance of a date night every week which required baby sitters, than it should be your spouse who takes priority. 

    No matter what your age or level of independence, everyone needs to feel important, loved and special to their family. 

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    643 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I don’t advocate either side always having a trump card. 

    On the one hand, the best thing a parent can do for a child is to have a healthy marriage because it sets them up for success in their own.

    On the other hand, if one sets up a ‘spouse first always’ rule then what does one do when the child is endangered by the spouse? If there is danger present, children always have to come first. 

    Rock, meet hard place. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    2577 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    @HisIrishPrincess:  This. My parents were the same way. In the end, the relationship of the parents must be enduring and a priority.

    Post # 15
    Member
    805 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I read this article awhile ago and thought it was interesting:

     

    http://www.yourtango.com/2012160868/my-husband-comes-first-how-i-baby-proof-my-marriage

     

    I voted spouse first. I think that when partners put kids before everything else the marriage suffers. Not that I agree with something like, “My kid just fell down the stairs but let me kiss my husband hello before we head to the hospital” or any kid-neglect/emotional abuse.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1417 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

    I don’t have children but I do think in order for a marriage to work you have to work as a team so your spouse should come first as your equal and you both work together and bring up your children. If there is a life threatening situation though and I had a child I would probably save my child over my spouse, it would be the motherly instinct in me!

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