Post # 1
Just got engaged. We want to do it in Maui next summer. I am a teacher and have summers off. I would like to get married mid or end of August.
My boyfriends brother in law is a coach and they have to be in training camp all of August- so he couldn’t come.
So his whole family is pushing for July. But I want that extra month to plan and get in shape etc.-plus I want to get married in August because my twin sister did too. Is it unreasonable for me to set that date even if a brother-in-law can’t come?
I think it’s important his sister comes, but who do you decide to plan YOUR wedding around and accomadate? What would you all do?
Post # 3
I think you need to ensure that all immediate family can attend (i consider you Future Brother-In-Law immediate family). When you are sooo far out one more month is not going to make a difference. You have plenty of time to play a wedding for July 2011. I think you should bend a little on this one to make his family (and probably your groom) happy.
Post # 4
I may have to agree with Moose1209. While you can’t make exceptions for everyone, you could make an exception on this. What if you do late July? I wouldn’t think that would be too much of a difference. Again though it really is up to you…you just have to know that you may have to justify your reasons to a lot of people.
Post # 5
I thought I might get this feedback…..just wanted to give a little more background.
We have been dating for 9 years and his sister got married 4 years ago. I wasn’t planned around or included in any of the wedding details even though I had been together with my fiance for 5 years at that point.
Also, they had a big family reunion 2 summer and didn’t invite me even though we had been together for a long time.
So I really don’t feel a huge sense of loyalty to honor “family” when I wasn’t really treated like part of it.
Post # 6
I think its a little unreasonable to set the date knowing Future Brother-In-Law can’t be there. You have lots of time to plan and get into shape.
For us, it was most important that our familes were there and our bridal party and we didn’t finalize our date until we checked with everyone’s calendar’s.
Post # 7
I think that planning for a date that you know your Future Brother-In-Law (and likely your FI’s sister too, since it sounds like a destination wedding) can’t come will only make things worse. Don’t use your wedding date to get back at them for past slights. You will have more than enough time if you plan for the second half of July, and intentionally planning for August when there is no real pressing need to choose that date will only cause more drama.
Save yourselves the drama and heartache from his family and compromise on this one. There will be plenty of other point in the upcoming year where you will have to stand your ground, but there’s no reason to start out with drama.
Post # 8
All I hear about is what YOU want!
Really this has to do with your FI! Does he really want to have his brother there? If it is very important to Fiance I think you should accommodate! If your Fiance doesn’t care if his brother is there then you can plan your day whenever!
Post # 9
Oh there are lots of reasons they may not have invited you depending on where they lean. When we had our family reunion a couple years ago it was made clear to all the grandkids that unless there was a ring on the finger that SOs were not allowed to attend (which was fine with me, the guy I was dating at the time wasn’t really meet the family material). My cousin was angyr because she had been dating her baby’s father for 3 years and had a one year old. In the end they wouldn’t let her bring him, but they broke up a year later for what it’s worth. Personally I think they wanted to cheap out on the food.
Anyway, I think you should plan for July to help smooth things over. Getting back at him for their lack of inclusion is just going to make the relationship with you and the in-laws more strained, which could get bad. I would accomodate their request and help include the in-laws with the planning. Maybe this will repair any ill will you feel towards them.
Post # 10
I’m going to be honest – I think you are being very unreasonable in the logic you provided in your additional background information. You were not included in the wedding planning 4 years ago because you were not family yet (or even engaged). You were strictly your now-FI’s date. Same goes with the family reunion two years ago. You were NOT family yet! Your Fiance could have asked to include you but when you are just dating, you’re not actually a part of the family even if it has been a long time.
You should absolutely plan the wedding for July instead of August. You’ll have plenty of time to plan and do everything (I’d say the majority of people plan on less time than that would leave you). You should not choose a date where you already know some of FI’s immeadiate family can’t come, especially when there are lots of other date options.
Post # 11
With your follow up comment it sounds like you want to pick August specifically so he can’t attend.. because you are upset about having been excluded in the past and you want to get back at them. I really don’t think it’s worth it to upset your future in laws. Work with them to make this a happy occassion for everyone and it will go a long way towards repairing your relationship with them. They will be your family for the rest of your life so you don’t want to start off on the wrong foot. And the other girls are right.. you really aren’t think of what will make your BF happy.. I’m sure he doesn’t want to upset his whole family.
Post # 12
Although I think you should get what you want, I think you are waging a lifelong war by excluding an immediate family member and I would not advise it.
Post # 13
If your Fiance really wants ur Future Brother-In-Law to be there have it in July. If he doesnt care or its not important have it whenever you want.
You might be being selfish but who cares its your wedding. I dont try to accomidate anyone but meself Fiance & my parents (they are paying) in our wedding. Its your wedding and it needs to be whatever you have dreamed about and whatever will make you happy. You cant always make everyone happy
Post # 14
First, I think getting married in July might be better than August for the simple fact that August is very close to when you’ll be going back to school, and you’ll want to account for the time you take off for the honeymoon (if that’s something you want to do). My mom is a teacher and I imagine that if she got married and did a honeymoon right before having to do lesson plans and such, that would be even more stressful. July gives you a buffer month where you can get settled with your new life before having to go back to school.
Second, I think you should at least consider your future brother-in-law. Even though you weren’t include in the “plans” and details, I’m sure that if you weren’t going to even be able to make it, they may have reconsidered – especially if you had been married to your fiance at that point. Marriage does change those family ties, even if you’ve dated for a long time (just from what I’ve seen).
In addition, your future sister-in-law may harbor resentment that you planned a wedding when you knew her husband couldn’t come. She is definitely immediate family and I’m not sure I would want to start off a marriage having pissed someone off. I mean, we aren’t talking about your great aunt Gertrude here.
Just my 2 cents.
(P.S. I’m getting married in July 2011 and I think it’s a great month! 🙂 )
Post # 15
Hmm, what does your Fiance think?
Honestly, when it comes to immediate family, you kind of have to bend a little. I’m usually all about just doing what makes you happy, but a wedding is also about family, and when people aren’t invited, especially family, others will start to judge and ridicule you, and it’s just not worth all the drama this will cause for one extra month of planning. If they wanted you to postpone it a whole year or something, I could understand your feelings a bit more.
Look at this way: having a July wedding will allow you extra time after the wedding to unwind a relax. Brides neglect that part of the wedding! After it all, you’re literally exhausted. I wish I had taken more time after our honeymoon to re-adjust and enjoy a few more days of newlywed bliss before getting back to the grind. And lucky you, you’ll have a whole month!
As you continue planning, just remember you’ll have to make some compromises to keep family happy. It sucks, and in the end, of major things, you need to do what makes you happy. BUT on something as minor as this, budge a little. It will pay off in the end.
Post # 16
I think you should do July. That still gives you plenty of time to plan and to get in shape. I totally get why you don’t feel a need to go out of your way to accommodate the brother, since you feel slighted by them not including you in family events. But that doesn’t necessarily make it ok. This is your FI’s wedding too, so I’m sure he’ll want his brother there. Try to rise above the feelings you have about not being included. Maybe once you guys are married they’ll see you as part of the family- some families are just like that.