Post # 1
Someone I know , let’s call her Meg, had to resort to snooping to find out what was going on with her husband.
He came home for a moment after work, then left again. He didn’t answer his phone or text her back. Then he came home claiming there was an issue cashing his check, so that’s where he’d been. Meg accepted that answer, but then started worrying because he had requested his own phone bill recently. She checked their phone bill and found a number that had been called and texted a bit. Meg called and a woman answered. She said, “This is Meg. I’m just calling because my husband makes a lot of calls to you and I’m wondering who this is.” The woman asked, “Who’s your husband?” She said his name and the woman said, “Oh Fuck!” And hung up the phone.
Her husband got home and flipped that she had snooped and called this woman. She asked him what was going on. Here’s where it gets cruel. Meg asked, “Who is that woman?! Have you slept with her?” Her husband, who seems like such a nice guy, replied, “I have fucked that woman so many times I couldn’t even count! A hundred times, hundreds of times!” He just married Meg in October. How could he be so horrible?
Her husband ended up being arrested that night. Her 12 year old from a previous relationship ended up calling the police and they arrested him for domestic violence for verbally abusing his wife and breaking the door to get to her. They have a no contact order in place now.
Sometimes cheaters are honest about cheating, but sometimes you have to snoop if you have doubts. Who do you know that had to resort to snooping?
Post # 2
I have “snooped” in the past (and man, do I ever hate that term). I have never done so with my current partner because I’ve never felt the need and we are very open with each other. He can use my phone, computer, banking, email, or whatever else and I can do the same. Do we often do that? No. But if his phone is closer and I want to take a picture of the dog, then I’m grabbing his phone and using it. Would I sit there and go through all of his contacts and messages? No. I would find that boring and unnecessary.
However, I was pretty sure my ex was cheating on me. He, of course, denied it. He was not open with his stuff and had freak outs if I was anywhere near his phone. He often accused me of cheating for no valid reason, which I find to be a red flag. It is often the cheater who accuses because they know how easy it is to get away with and they project those feelings onto the innocent partner. My story is not as dramatic as the one you told but let’s just say I found what I was looking for (as one usually does).
I wouldn’t just leave a relationship without confirmation of wrongdoing. Sometimes I have my moments and am insecure for no reason. Sometimes strange things can be explained away and make complete sense. I think it’s putting the cart before the horse to just leave at the first sign of trouble and I don’t think “snooping” is a terrible thing to do especially if it gets rid of whatever feelings are causing someone grief. If someone has nothing to hide, then I don’t see the big deal and I don’t consider my partner knowing about my life an invasion of privacy.
In a marriage (or a relationship heading that way), I’d be more concerned for people who had a fear of their partner looking at their stuff to begin with and snooping was necessary. I don’t need to snoop – I have access and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sure there will be lots of people who disagree with me, but having a relationship that has totally open communication works for us and I don’t think it shows a lack of trust at all. In fact, I think it shows total and complete trust.
Post # 3
countingstars: I have snooped in previous relationships, yes, but my intuition led me to do so. If my gut feeling said something was way way off, and the person I was dating adamantly called me ‘crazy’, then snooping commenced. I did not snoop to FIND something, I snooped to validate myelf, because 5 out of 5 times I was absolutely, 100% correct in my feelings that they were lying, and/or being unfaithful.
With my DH, I have not snooped. I have never had a reason or feeling to snoop. Perhaps it is because we trust each other, and/or I have never speculated dishonesty and visa versa. With that said, we have complete transparency when it comes to social stuff: passwords, etc. Not because we demanded them, but because we never cared if the other person was given that information?!
Post # 5
I’ve snooped on my ex before. One day we were in the car and his phone rang, I grabbed it to hand it to him and noticed the number. I later realized it was his ex-girlfriend’s number. Later I looked through his text messages and found out she was calling him to see if he was still going to go see her at work that night (there was other stuff about him missing her too). He had deleted all his inbox but forgot to delete his outbox. The only reason he told me the real story was because I told him I read the messages. Ever since then I never fully trusted him and would occassionally snoop. I was in high school and was stupid and should have just kicked him to the curb after all the shit he did. He later left me for another girl he was talking to behind my back (I had stopped snooping because I thought I could trust him again).
I will admit that I snooped through my husband’s phone once when we were first dating because I was still pretty insecure from my ex. Of course I didn’t find anything because my husband is a decent human being and I haven’t felt the need to snoop since that one time.
Post # 6
Oh yeah, I snooped on people before. Usually because I felt something was off, and I was always right!
Post # 7
countingstars: Hell yes! Many times with a particular ex and I was ALWAYS right.
Allow me to share my favorite story: I had a sneaking suspicion he was cheating on me so while he was passed out drunk, I went through his phone and saw messages to this girl we went to school with (we were all in college at the time). Instead of flipping my shit, I contacted HER and I reached out to her calmly, “woman to woman”. She was totally receptive and sent me AIM conversations, whole pages of explicit information. The story she told me about when he came over to her apt was so specific to him, I knew she wasn’t lying. She told me everything and not just b/c she’d been “caught”, but HE told her we broke up!! So I didn’t even really blame her.
Of course, he denied, denied, denied and in my heart of hearts I knew it was bullshit, but I didn’t want to believe it.
I asked them both to meet me, seperately, at the same place no knowing about each other. My intention was to see what kind of reaction I got out of putting them in that situation. Obviously, he flipped out, walked away, didn’t want to be “accused anymore”, yadda yadda yadda. She stayed. I mean, I didn’t need anything more after that but it was a fun experiment for me and nice to see him shit his pants in that scenario!
Post # 8
I had an ex who told me that his ex fiance would call him all the time when we first started dating. Then, 5 months in, I asked if she had contacted him recently. He got weird and said no she had totally stopped. I was suspicious
Well, that night he left his phone at my house and though I had never looked at a boyfriends phone before in my life I just didn’t believe him. I just wanted to check the incoming calls because I didn’t think he was cheating on me, I just didn’t believe that she had stopped calling him. Well, there were a bunch of incoming calls from a number, I called it and thankfully it went to voicemail. It was her. Then I realized that all the calls had been accepted and had 10-20 minute conversations attached. Then I checked outgoing calls and he had been calling her as well.
He never admitted to it, told me I was f*ing crazy even though it was RIGHT THERE on his phone. We broke up.
That was my last real relationship before my SO. I know my SO is totally committed to me and would never cheat on me, but ever since that experience it is hard to not check. I actually did once when we first started dating and he caught me. He was very upset and said that if we can’t trust each other we shouldn’t be together. That opened my eyes and I haven’t done it since!
Post # 9
- Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club
Who do you know who uncovered cheating through snooping? Me.
With my exboyfriend, I just knew he was cheating. He was smart about the timing (different work schedules) and I never caught him in the act, but I knew something was off. We weren’t being intimate, he started getting annoyed if I would ask him to make solid plans with me, and he was just distant in general. When I asked him if he was seeing someone else, he denied it. He told me to check his Facebook, his email, his texts… Since he was being open about it, I didn’t look. A few weeks later, my suspicions got stronger. Nothing had changed for us, he was always playing Words with Friends, and a neighbor asked me who the girl that was coming over was- a new dogsitter? Turns out he wasn’t using email, facebook, or texting to talk to girls… he was using Words with Friends. He was having cybersex on the game’s messenger feature! Some of them were people he knew in real life, some were strangers. The girl that was visiting MY house while he was living there was his cousin’s exgirlfriend. His defense was that his cheating was my fault- I’d recently gotten into a healthier lifestyle and he wasn’t attracted to my (still curvy) slightly smaller frame. He said it was clear that he loved me because he chose “uglier” or “bigger” women, not cuter or more petite girls. Let’s just say that I was less than impressed with him.
FI and I have an open policy on this… he knows my phone password and I know his. I’ve never had a reason to “snoop” on him. I feel like the feeling that snooping is needed was a huge sign for me in the last relationship I had- if I ever feel that way again, I’m going to think it’s a huge red flag.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
countingstars: Yep! I wasn’t even trying to is the funny thing. Was dating a musician a few years ago, I thought we were super happy. We traveled to a show out of state and when they started he handed me his phone since he didn’t really know or trust the venue. So there I sit with the other band girlfriend, playing idley with with phone. He had one of those slide phones that slid long ways and horozontally. Flip slide slip slide filp. Chatting with the other girl. glance down, there’s my name. It’s a text to his roommate saying not to judge him but he is going home with some girl he met at a bar! Then I REALLY snooped.
Worst part is I stayed with him. He cheated 2 more times, one I knew of. Finally left. But I was an Idiot.
I don’t snoop with the FI. I don’t feel the need to. Suppose it’s different. I love that.
Post # 11
Every time I’ve felt the need to snoop, I’ve been proven right. I have found messages on Facebook/Myspace (back in the day!), texts, emails, and phone calls that have proven, at the very least, the intent to cheat. Some of them have proven actual cheating as well. This has literally happened in every relationship I’ve ever been in (three serious, long-term relationships) until I met my fiance. I *have* looked through his phone/email (mostly because we just use each others’ things like that when it’s more convenient, it hasn’t been to “check up” on him) and I can’t even begin to tell you how good it feels to be in a relationship where you know the other person has absolutely nothing to hide. I don’t feel the need to do it at all with him, and that’s amazing.
Post # 12
countingstars: I have snooped but not for the reasons you might think.
I caught my ex cheating on me by snooping twice. The first time was because we had been going through a rough patch. He told me he didn’t love me out of the blue and then 3 days later came to me and said he was just depressed, that he did love me and was sorry he was hurting me but he needed to work on whatever was happening. We lived together at the time. that weekend he took me out on this awesome date and was just really trying to make me feel special and seemed like I got my old SO back.
In the beginning of our relationship he used to write me letters all the time. Like love letters. Since we had been having problems he hadn’t done that in a very long time. He used to write in a journal all the time so the day after our date he was sitting in the living room writing, which I didn’t think anything of. I asked him casuallyw aht he was writing and he said “oh just lyrics and stuff” (he was a musician at the time) so again I didn’t think anything. But when I glanced over it didn’t look like lyrics. Lyrics were usually short lines like a poem almost. What he was writing was full paragraphs and looked like it was a letter. I got so excited and thought “omg he’s writing me a love letter like he used to!”. What was weird though is that when he got up to go to bed, he left the journal out on the table and didn’t kiss me goodnight or even say anything. So because I just really wanted to see what he was writing to me I flipped to the last page in his journal and started to read a letter….. to another girl. It was to someone he worked with. It was four pages and those words are forever burned in my mind. If I hadn’t “snooped” I would have never seen it. What came out after that was horrific. He had been seeing a woman he worked with for a few months, she was married with children and didn’t even speak english (which is all my ex spoke!) and she knew about me. He took my car to work everyday while I resorted to a train and he was leaving early to spend time with her in the mornings before work…in my car. I ended up checking the phone bill too and found her number hundreds of times. She didn’t speakenglish!!!!!! so what in gods name did they even talk about?! either way… I snooped but it wasn’t because I was suspicious. It was because I thought he was writing me a love letter….. I don’t know what’s worse lol
After that about a year later I caught him emailing some girl photos of downtown chicago which was odd to me. I then found a number on his phone bill and called it, the girl laughed at me when I said “Im ex’s girlfriend and I see your number is all over his phone bill. who are you?” she responded with “*giggle* oh honey you aren’t his girlfriend” and hung up.
the kicker of it is that this girl I called turned out to be the girl he emailed photos to. I had questioned him about that and he called me crazy for thinking anything about those emails. Well when I called that number back a second time after getting hung up on her voicemail picked up and it said her name. which was the same as the email address and it all clicked.
I do not snoop now and haven’t in many years. Partly because I just don’t want to be that kind of girl, and partly because I place an extremely high value on trust and it’s very disrespectful in my opinion. But I think if I had enough reason to I would do it again. thankfully the person I’m with now has never ever given me a reason to doubt him in any way
Post # 13
countingstars: I snooped with my ex… but it wasn’t intentional. We used to share a comp, then I got my own laptop, but all of our old pictures were on his lap top… which used to be ours.
So I went on it to get some pictures to make a PRESENT for him, ugh… love that part. Then popped up all these naked pictures… and they weren’t ‘saved off the net’ pics, they were of real people. This is the ‘wtf’ moment that made me snoop, and in 4 years I had NEVER snooped before. I was a very trusting partner… perhaps too much?
Anywho, I found the secret e-mails, facebook account, online dating profiles and convos between him and the chick he was dating. Soul crushing. But soooooo glad it happened. Btw, not an honest cheater! I knew he would lie about it so as much as it hurt I had to find everything I could to know what was going on, and when I confronted him when he got home from work (longest hour and a half of my life) he still lied to me! lol… some people.
Post # 14
JustMe12182: Exactly. If you read my above story, consider that, then consider the fact that I’ve never gone through my FI’s stuff. Wait…that’s kind of a lie b/c I thought he was maybe doing steroids (with good reason) and upon further investigation, found out he was just selling them. Still bad, but we talked and he apologized.
A cheater/deceiver will ALWAYS turn it around on YOU! Like you find someone cheating and they have the NERVE to get mad at YOU for snooping??
Post # 15
I found out my dad was cheating on my mom when I was trying to send him a ring tone to his phone. I had to open the text to save it, but it was actually a text from someone that said “Can you sext?”. I immediately went into his text history and skimmed the texts and saw explicit texts. The sad thing is that he actually shared the phone with my mom, so he must have been really good at deleting things! I was the main person on our family account, so I immediately went online to see how often he was calling/texting this phone number. It was constantly (he was unemployed). I told my mom that night. Turns out he had been cheating on her off and on throughout their 30 year marriage, some of which she knew about and tried to work through with him. They ended up divorcing. She’s now happily remarried.
Unfortunately, I didn’t come out unscathed from this. It has led to some of my own trust issues that I have to keep in check. DH has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I’d be lying if I said it’s not sometimes a struggle for me. I’m only human.
Post # 16
i didn’t snoop on purpose. i was helping my ex move into his new apartment and he was in germany that summer. i read his journal that explicitly detailed him kissing another girl. it wasn’t a very pleasant thing.