(Closed) Who do you know who uncovered cheating through snooping?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How do you feel about snooping?

    I snoop consistently as a precaution.

    I would snoop if I was suspicious about something.

    I would snoop, but only with permission (which isn't really snooping at all).

    I would take my SO's word for it.

    If I felt suspicious enough to snoop, I would leave the relationship.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    5152 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

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    countingstars:  I snooped in the past – with the guy I dated before I met my husband (who I have never snooped on). I just had a feeling something weird was going on, so I looked at his phone while he was in the shower. Sure enough, there was a text from a female friend of his and she said, “so-and-so is going to be so pissed that “weatherbug” is going to be there on Saturday”. Also found texts to his ex-girlfriend arranging MULTIPLE lunch dates. 

    I don’t know how I stayed so calm – but I did – let him go off to work and then broke up with him later in the week. I never told him I snooped. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    1228 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I have snooped in past relationships where I suspected I was being cheated on. It felt so weird and gross, and I felt like a bad person for doing it. My mom always made such a big deal growing up about respecting others’ privacy. It turned out I was right to snoop, though – I found out my partner of almost 5 years was in love with another person. As PP have mentioned, my partner at the time made a big deal about MY breach of trust by snooping. Too bad I was only 24 then and didn’t give myself permission to say, “sure, snooping is wrong, but you know what is a lot more wrong? CHEATING.”

    Since then I’ve caught various boyfriends doing things they really shouldn’t have been by peeking at a phone every now and then. 

    My fiancé made it clear from the start that I was free to snoop, as he had nothing to hide. He gave me his phone password and leaves his computer unlocked all the time. Occassionally, as I did with previous partners, I look around. I have never found anything worth being suspicious over, but I feel an important baseline has been set. If passwords ever get changed suddenly, or my Fiance starts hiding his phone, I’ll know I need to get suspicious.

    I get frustrated by women who made a grand show of “NEVER snooping, because I TRUST my partner and snooping is WRONG!” I find that a very naive policy. The unfortunate fact is that my life experience has taught me that even the kindest, most good-hearted, and honest people are capable of acts of deep, relationship-destroying betrayal. At this point, I would be betraying my own experience by sticking to a policy of no-snooping.

    By not snooping, I would be accepting the risk that my partner may do or feel something VERY damaging to our relationship (which is partly mine, and which I have a lot invested in) or even potentially my body (which is all mine and which I have even more invested in), and out of fear/love/self-hate not tell me about it until complete destruction is imminent. I don’t accept that risk. I believe that the right to protect your body and the health of your relationship trumps one partner’s right to total privacy within a relationship.

    If a person ALREADY feels suspicious about a partner, I am even more in support of snooping, because again, my experience has taught me again and again that unless you have some kind of jealousy issue, if you suddenly get suspicious, you very very VERY likely have cause. We have instincts for a reason; they’re often right!

    So, that’s my three cents on snooping!!! I get a little passionate about the issue because I have had experience with anti-snooping people trying to make me feel like a bad person for being an admitted and unapologetic snooper. My position is, I’m not a bad person, just realistic and healthily self-interested. 

    ETA – yes, my partner has my passwords too.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  ohnatto.
    Post # 19
    Member
    938 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    Every ex I’ve snooped on I snooped because we had other issues – so instead of snooping I should have just left the relationship.  I live by the rule now that if I ever even get the urge to snoop, then something is very, very wrong.  I will ask about it, and if I don’t get a good enough answer/explanation/agree to go to counseling, etc, I will leave.

    Post # 20
    Member
    3082 posts
    Sugar bee

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    countingstars:  I have never snooped with my current SO.

    However, i found out my ex was cheating by snopping through his phone. But i had MANY instances leading up to it to get me to that point. Suspicions confirmed. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    860 posts
    Busy bee

    I’ve never snooped, not on my current partner and not on any past partners. If my partner snooped on me I would leave, and I’m not going to be a hypocrite by asking someone to tolerate a behavior that I wouldn’t. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

     

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    countingstars:  I didn’t necessarily snoop. The story is kind of funny actually… I finally got my revenge! My ex and I had not broken up yet, but were on the rocks and for our own sake, I had moved out of our condo.

    While at work one day, my (soon to be) ex sent me a picture message of a pretty flower. Shortly after I got a call from a random number while at work and they left a voicemail… After listening, it was another girl… we will call her “Sue”. Sue proceeded to tell me that her and my ex had been “dating” for the past 2 months. I asked how she got my number- and she said she has an iphone, and saw another number attached to the image…I had an android, so I could not see it. (what an idiot!)

    After talking with Sue, I told her that we had not in fact broken up and we were stilly (stupidly I might add) trying to work things out. She profusely apologized and said that she was mislead by him. We knew we BOTH needed to confront him. Luckily our work schedules matched up that day and we decided to confront him then. I told Sue to meet me at the condo but not tell him she was coming. To get his attention and to make sure he knew something big was going on, I told him I had taken a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

    Upon arrival; he tried to give me a hug saying he was so happy to hear the news and he couldn’t wait to be a dad. I smiled and said, “well if we were to have a daughter he already should have had enough practice balancing two women in his life…” and perfectly timed, Sue walked in.

    His reaction was priceless. Shock, awe & disbelief. Sue and I both took turns reading outloud our text messages with the date & time associated with them. Funny how some matched up almost word for word, and the lies that spewed from this awful beings mouth. There was no running from the truth, no corner to hide in and no way to lie his way out of this.

    Needless to say he didn’t get Sue or me… But to this day, I am thankful that she did some “snooping”. That D-bag got what he deserved.

    Post # 23
    Member
    4160 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I actually suspected one of my gf’s guy was cheating on her…I wanted solid proof before I said anything to her.

    Because him and I were also friends, I could tell when there were more random girls on his Nexopia account, so I started paying more attention to his account.  I would see girls post flirty messages on his page all the time, so one day I decided to check in on one of them.

    I sent this girl a message, and I was like Hey you look so familiar!! Are you Mark’s girlfriend?  I think I’ve met you at a party or something before.  And she totally ate it up!  She was like ya, I am, how are you, blah blah blah.  I played along for a bit, but ended it by just saying, “so nice to talk to you!” 

    I decided to tell my friend…and her response was “well he’s my boyfriend, and you’re just my friend so I believe him more than I believe you.”

    I was PISSED…I totally understand that I was out of line for butting into their relationship, but I had to prove that he was a cheater…they continued to date for a while, but eventually broke up because she finally saw he was an idiot.  Her and I are still good friends though haha.

    I actually have never checked in on my boyfriends or felt the need to check in on DH’s stuff.  We both know each other’s passwords, but I’ve never felt the need to snoop on his phone/facebook, etc, and vice versa for him.  One ex did end up cheating on me, but I was glad because he was abusive and it was my “chance” to leave.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1496 posts
    Bumble bee

    I have never snooped because I’ve never had reason to. My DH is my first boyfriend and I trust him 100%. I know he would never cheat on me. 

    But I think that snooping when you have reason to be suspicious is the right thing to do. You can’t ignore red flags like many of you are describing.

    Post # 25
    Member
    351 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2000

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    MrsCallalily:  No one KNOWS anything for certain.

    Post # 26
    Member
    2117 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

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    countingstars:  OMG your poor friend.. thats so terrible!!! Ive never had a friend snoop. most the time it just came to light on their own. we live in small towns so things eventually go around. i feel so bad for your friend. why would he marry her when he knew he wanted to be with other woman.. ;-(

    Post # 27
    Member
    595 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I’ve never snooped, my last real relationship before Fiance was before even MySpace was really popular. I don’t have to snoop with Fiance because we have an open door policy. We know each others info, and have no problem grabbing the others cell for whatever we need to do.

    I’m glad I have that with him. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    3088 posts
    Sugar bee

    I am a big proponent of snooping if something does not add up. But I would truly have to be suspicious about something but to be honest with you, I don’t even think I would be in a relationship if I even have to think about snooping. Been there and done that with my ex husband and if I get to the point where I have to snoop because I don’t trust you (and I am pretty trusting), then I am most likely to the point where I will walk away. I have no time for stress and I will walk away from a relationship in a heart beat where trust is concerned.

    Post # 29
    Member
    1555 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    If there ever came a time that I was suspicious about something and my husband was denying it, then I might snoop. I’ve never been a snooper. Sure, we have an open door policy and we look at each others’ phones and emails all the time, but we don’t hide things or expect that the other is going to never see it.

    Granted, I will admit that early in our relationship, I would get random texts from people I’d dated before and text them back that I’m in a good committed relationship and wish them the best in their life, but not in mine. This has not happened in the last year, so I just don’t worry about it.

    As for past history with snooping, I was the person who found out the person I was dating was cheating on his girlfriend with me as he was telling me they were broken up. It was a really weird mess of a relationship because he’d break up with her, then start dating me, I’d find out he was lying about breaking up with her and stop seeing him, then a month or two later the scene would repeat. We were all in the same friend group, and usually that was how I’d find out that he lied to me because we were acquaintances and she’d mention something about them together. After the 3rd time (I was young and gullible), I broke it off, they got engaged and married. The last time was an email detailing how he missed our time together. I asked if he was still married. He replied that he was, so I told him to stop thinking about me and work on his marriage. I mostly still feel sorry for the woman he married. He was a manipulative jerk and I always wished that she’d have snooped and found out how bad it was. I haven’t communicated with him for 8 years. 

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  nadnuk.
    Post # 30
    Member
    124 posts
    Blushing bee

    An ex of mine and I exchanged Facebook passwords. We were in a long distance relationship, and wanted full transparency. We had dated on and off for a year before becoming serious and dating exclusively for a year, so two years in total. 

    One day, I was sick and bored in bed on Facebook. I decided to check his Facebook. I had never done it before, and honestly, I had never been suspicious. The guy seemed really in love with me, so I never questioned his affection. I mainly did it out of boredom and curiosity.

    I found messages he exchanged with a couple of girls. All initiated by him, mostly just flirting, but one girl he had asked for her number and asked her out on a date. They had been setting up a time and activity. 

    I guess he never thought I would check his Facebook, which is why he was so comfortable chatting up other girls. 

    I called him up, cursed him out, and broke up with him. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    77 posts
    Worker bee

    I did!! One of my ex boyfriend was acting really weird he didnt want me to go over and stuff, so one time I was over at his place and I asked to use his phone to call my mom “I was 19 years old at the time” I started going thru his txt messages and found he was talking to one of his friends GIRLFRIENDI know what a a**hole! He was telling her she was pretty and to go visit him blah blah! 

    One of my good friends also found out she was cheating on by snooping she found them in the act! Yea it was not fun!

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