(Closed) WHO DOES THAT!!?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Soon2BeeMrsG:  Uh, NO, I don’t think it’s acceptable or normal. I can’t believe he turned up on your mother’s doorstep! More to the point, I can’t believe she let him in…

Is there any way you can ask your friends limit/block talk about the wedding until it’s done? You shouldn’t have to, but for peace of mind… if that happened to me, I’d be freaked out to the max.

Post # 4
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

That’s disturbing behavior! Forget the wedding details, it’s crazy scary that he showed up at your mom’s house, period. I would be freaked out if an ex did that to me. 

Post # 5
Member
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

That’s really weird. I would have someone be on the lookout at your wedding so he doesn’t find out and show up.

Post # 6
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Wierd behavior for sure… but unheard of ? NO.

Men who love and lose… often have regret… what is that old saying “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”

Parents are heart-breakingly nice sometimes… you might explain to your Mom what she did was inappropriate… but you cannot scold her entirely. She was just being Mom afterall.

I had a somewhat similar issue when I got married (and it carried on thru the first few years of my marriage)… and I’ve talked about it a bit before here on WBee

My Ex-Hubby and I met in Uni. We came from different parts ofCanada. He would go home to his family every summer, and I to mine. We’d be apart for 4 to 4-1/2 Months (Late April thru to Labour Day). We would write back and forth a lot… this was the 1970s, so waaay before the internet… writing cards & letters took serious time & commitment.

One summer when we were apart, an older guy (mid 20s) that worked for my Father took a liking to me. I have to admit I was fascinated by him… a lot because he was older, and therefore more established… had already finished uni, had a decent job, made good money, had a nice new car etc. Had older ill parents that he lived at home with and took care of some of their needs. All around a good guy, who was in many ways already a full-grown man vs my 21 year old geeky Boyfriend or Best Friend

My Parents ADORED this guy. His pursuit of me that summer was non-threatening but definitely persistent. It started by him dropping in to our house to drop something off for my Dad (he obviously had already knew I was home from Uni and must have caught his eye).  Good Hostess that my mother was, she invited him in for something cold to drink.

We didn’t live in a HUGE house… so between the Kitchen, Dining Room and Living Room… there was no where to go.  (In those days it would have been quite RUDE if I had suddenly begged off to go to my room… unless I was truly ill)

So I sat, and they chat.  Of course inevitably I was soon in the conversation.

My Dad did not have a clue that this guy was interested in me… remember they went off together at one point in the backyard to look at my Dad’s prized vegetable garden… while my mother cleaned up the dishes in the Kitchen and said “What a nice guy”… in that knowing kind of way.  I probably rolled my eyes

Anyways this stuff went on for months.  By June we were sort of hanging out.  And I was totally confused by WHAT this non-relationship was.  I was certainly IN LOVE with my Boyfriend or Best Friend.  But this was also fun (ok I was super naïve I was afterall 20, young, impressionable and my Boyfriend or Best Friend was over 2500 Kms (1500 Miles away).

Guy in question was obviously liked very much by my Parents.  And he treated me like a lady (and a treasure).  If my Dad had to work late he would offer to drive me home from the office (vs my sitting around waiting).  He would take me to interesting summer events in his car (there were often others along as well).  He would often pick up the tab for things like meals “Save your money… Uni is expensive, you’ll need it there”.

As much as I liked him… my heart-strings pulled for my LOVE for my Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Then tragedy hit both our families… ending with two family members dead within weeks of each other.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend could not come to see me… when I really really needed him.  The Guy even though hurting at the loss of his own Father, was there to console me thru the “unexpected” loss of my younger Brother (the baby in our family).  Rationalizing in his mind, that his father had lived a good life, and it had been known for some time that cancer was knocking on his door.  Whereby my Brother’s death was beyond tragic.

My Parents were heart-broken.  And there was absolutely NO WAY I could console them.  I tried, but being 2 children to them was a full time emotionally draining job.  I looked for ways to escape.  They liked the guy, and most importantly they trusted him.  So they let me spend all the time I wanted with him (mind you he was also spending time visiting, and consoling them… like without asking, just showing up at our house and cutting the grass so my Dad wouldn’t have to worry about it etc).

It was hard not to notice him now… it was hard not to let my heart “go there” when it was breaking so much.

By the end of the summer we were most definitely “an item”.

Late August rolled around, and my Parents were still “in a fog”.  I was considering dropping out of Uni for a year just to be with them.  Surprisingly they didn’t argue (and Education was for them THE MOST important thing they ever wanted for us kids).  I was sooo divided.  As much as the guy seemed to like the idea of having me around longer, he told me that if I really wanted to honour my Parents then I needed to go back to school.  Be all that I could be.  My Parents would be ok… if I wanted I could come home on weekends, and there were plenty of folks in our community (like him) etc who would look out for them and their well-being.  He told me honestly there was nothing I could do “here”

So I went back to Uni.  Unsure of WHO I was any longer… and really really mixed up about LOVE and LIFE… things just seemed sooo “fragile”… that was until I met up with my Boyfriend or Best Friend.  He was glad to see me… and I obviously still LOVED him very very much.  He gave me a Promise Ring and vowed that in May… at the end of that year (our last year) he and I would make plans to make our relationship even more permanent… leading towards marriage.

And so it was… the guy and I drifted apart

However, the guy and my Parents continued on for eons.  He being good to them, and as they healed, they being good to him and his family.  I came home the following summer now semi-engaged (Proposal done… awaiting ring) and my Parents raved about the guy.  I had to explain to them countless times… “ya he’s great, he’s just not for me”.  I honestly think they more than anything wanted me to marry him, and move into a house down the street and live out the rest of my life in small-town Canada. (not what this girl had in mind with a freshly minted Degree in hand, and the world by the tail !!)

My Wedding rolled around a year later… and I truly was half-expecting the guy to be there… I mean my Parents still LOVED him.  Still socialized with his family… and still talked about him (too much for my liking).  There was a point in the Wedding Planning I remember where I had to make it crystal clear to them… “He and his family… are not invited… I don’t care HOW close you all are”

Come Wedding Day, I was totally filled with LOVE, Joy, Happiness and Wonder (and a bit of nerves at the end)… I couldn’t wait to marry my Hubby.  I remember at some point in the day thinking… good grief I wonder if the guy or his family will show up at the church for my Wedding (in small town Canada, it is very very common that folks come out to see a Wedding even if they aren’t invited… folks will stand on the curb outside the church for when the Bride arrives… or in the case of larger buildings, sneak in at the last minute (usually thru a side door) and either sit in the last few pews in the back or quietly make their way up the back-stairs to “the balcony”).

I didn’t for a minute tho think there would be any sort of a scene made… or that someone would jump up like in the movies and voice an objection at the part where they say “If there is cause why anyone here objects to this marriage speak now or forever hold your peace”… of course in reality, this clause is not at all Weddings… it certainly wasn’t at mine (my denomination still uses the tradition of Posting Banns instead)

In the end, the day went off without a hitch.  I was sooo in the moment, that I was sort of in a fog… as the minutes rushed by in split-seconds.  And to be totally honest I didn’t notice anyone’s faces in the small crowd that had gathered at the church curb… and going both ways up and down the aisle, the back row was very much far from my mind’s eye.  I was super-focussed on MY GUY and becoming his MRS

As I’ve said in previous topics here My Parents continued to hold a torch for the guy… and even years into my marriage with kiddies in tow at family visits to my Parents home and hometown, I’d hear “We ran into Mrs ___ the other day… she tells us that  (the guy)  is doing   (whatever)   now”

I finally had to sit my Parents down and say… “Look, I am a married lady now… and I don’t care about the ___ Family… that was then, this is now… the relationship didn’t work out… I’d appreciate it if you got over it already for the sake of MY HUSBAND, our family… and YOUR Grandchildren”

Anyways, point of this whole post… Parents can do strange things.  Ex BFs can carry a torch.  But in the end it is your life and your Wedding.  In most likelihood it will all go on without a hitch.

AND truly if by some very remote chance your Ex turns up at the Wedding you can be assured that someone will tell him to leave.  And you probably will never even notice.

And IF there is even the hint of drama around his being there (possible scene), you can be sure that someone will handle it (even if that means the cops being called).  People are at this Wedding to LOVE and support you… and that will be WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Honestly he’s probably going to be no where near your Wedding… he’s most likely NOT THAT STUPID.  What went down at your Mother’s House was just him coming to grips with how he missed out on an opportunity in life… by letting you get away.  A bit of closure if you will… he probably was in some ways trying to hear first hand that you are indeed “Happy and Ok” he would hate it if you married someone who wasn’t right for you… or for some other “not valid reason”.  (Although honestly lets face it no-one actually does say those things do they… otherwise there would probably be a lot fewer Divorces if someone actually said now and then… “Cannot stand the guy Joanie is marrying, he treats her bad… it breaks my heart” ).

Anyhow… more than likely he’s gotten that “act” out of his system now… so he’ll be fine.  Knowing that you are officially moving on and becoming a married lady (gotta admit given “the right” circumstances this junk is totally romantic… it is afterall what us gals swoon at in the movies… guy who shows up on door at the 11th Hour wanting to know that the girl / love of his life / one he missed out on will be fine.  In the end tho, even in the movies they rarely do much beyond that… we just leave the theatre in tears, knowing that he loved her)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 7
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I can understand why he turned up. Assuming his feelings were a lot deeper, the man needs closer. He’s tried to contact you on FB, you wouldn’t talk to him. He’s called, you wouldn’t answer. Even though it’s been years, he just needs to close that chapter in his life. Maybe he needs to apologize. Maybe he’s in AA and needs to make amends. Whatever it is, he wants to close that chapter in his life.

You have no obligation to give him that closure, of course, but maybe he was hoping. Either way, it’s not that strange and I don’t think it means he’s stalking you or is going to show up at your wedding.

Post # 8
Member
2448 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think that turning up on your doorstep, combined with what you said was was his tendency to turn nasty, is a very big red flag. Someone that can’t get over a breakup in 7 years is not mentally stable. If he shows up again, tell him to leave or you’ll contact the police. 

Post # 9
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

it sounds like he is seeking closure so that he can move on.  most don’t show up at a parent’s doorstep but perhaps that is what he felt was necessary.

Post # 10
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

GOOD CATCH by cerenatee: … if he is indeed in AA then he could very well be seeking closure.

One of key elements on the Road to Recovery are Steps 8 and 9… also by far two of the hardest in the process.

STEP 8 – Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step8.pdf

STEP 9 – Make direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step9.pdf

Indeed, he may very well have been trying to do this and letting you know pre-Wedding that he is sorry he was such a jerk… has no hard-feeling against you and wishes you all the happiness in the world.

 

Post # 13
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Soon2BeeMrsG:  agreed.. it could be perceived at wierd for sure… at least the timing of it

Which is WHY I and others said he may have done it for closure.

UNLESS as pointed out by cerenatee: and myself above, he is now in AA and looking to make amends…

SO HE HIMSELF… can find peace in his own life.

In that way, it may not be really about you at all.

 

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