Post # 1
I posted yesterday about how my mom is insisting my 17 year old cousin who barely speaks to me and only sees me 3-4 times a year has to be a bridesmaid. Now, when we first started planning the wedding, she assumed the female cousin (her brothers daughter) would be in the bridal party along with my 15 year old male cousin would stand with Fiance. I told her no-way to the 15 year old cousin cause Fiance has a brother and 2 cousins standing with him and that doesn’t even include his 2 best friends who are like brothers.
My mom is paying for half the wedding ($5,000) and told me in no uncertain terms that my 17 year old cousin must be asked to be a bridesmaid.
I am trying to be accomodating because of the financial contribution, but is she overstepping her bounds by demanding who is in my bridal party?
Post # 3
No, I personally do not believe that your mother has the right to decide who is in your bridal party. That is a decision that rests fully with you (and your Fiance, if you choose to include him in it).
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
The whole point of the bridal part is that it’s supposed to be made of people who are close to and special to you.
My cousin’s Stepmother-in-Law was furious when her daughter wasn’t a bridesmaid, but my cousin was adamant – her husband has loads of sisters and half-sisters, who she didn’t know or get along with, and if she asked one she would have had to ask them all. From what I remember, her husband’s family did contribute a lot to the wedding, but Kate put her foot down.
Post # 5
Who is in your bridal party is your decision. No one but yours.
Post # 6
If you’re not comfortable with the person seeing you in your undies and helping you pee, I don’t think they should be in the bridal party. lol. I think your mom needs to back off on this one. Could the cousin do a reading or something similar? Be a greeter?
Post # 7
The bridesmaids should be the choice of the bride, period. These are supposed to be girls or women who support you, are close to you, are willing to help you, and who have “been there” for you in the past.
You should not feel obligated to include a cousin (or anyone) just because your mom says so. This is true even if she is paying for some of the wedding.
Think of it this way: If someone gives you a gift card to Macy’s for your birthday, do they say “you MUST use this to purchase the red, polka dotted sweater!” No. The monetary gift is for you to do whatever you want with it. And your wedding, regardless of who is paying, is about you and your fiance, and I believe you should get to choose how that money is spent and who is in your bridal party.
Will your mom understand if you explain to her that you want your BMs to be people you have a close relationship with? Tell her you have nothing against your cousin, but there are others you feel closer to. I don’t know how anyone could not understand that.
Post # 8
I think that your mother has some say with regard to the guest list because of her financial contribution, but not your bridal party.
If she has ANY say in your bridal party, it would be to include a sibling, but no, not a cousin.
Post # 9
Once people start contributing financially, they think it’s their wedding too. I personally don’t think your mother should be doing this, but it depends on how she views her financial contribution. I don’t know about your mom, but when my mom gives me money, it’s never a no-strings-attached deal; there is ALWAYS some sort of stipulation (which is why we’re paying for our own wedding).
If your mother is doing this just to make you happy, have your dream day, etc, then you could probably explain to her how you feel about it. If your mom is anything like my mom (who is an unreasonable harpy), I would definitely reconsider funding your own wedding.
Post # 10
It was worth it to us to struggle and scrape together money to pay for the wedding ourselves than to deal with this kind of stuff. I don’t think your mom is right in this case, but the fact that she’s paying for a significant amount of your wedding probably means that she feels entitled to 50% of the decisions. It’s a lot easier for her to make demands when she’s dangling a carrot in front of you….
Post # 11
Mom is overstepping her bounds. If you look at weddings from the 80’s and 90’s in my family every family member of a certain age was in the weddings which made for crazy big brial parties.
The days of having to ask someome to be in the wedding party because of a family relations is over. I think you have time to come up with other options and it’s time to seriously consider if you want mom to be holding that 5 grand over your head during the planning process.
Decide if it’s worth compromising over, and whatever you choose to do you need to have a talk about how choices are going to be made going forword and what her expectations are, I do think when others give some it should be given without strings, but it also means you have to compromise and make more adjustments then you would if you were footing the whole bill. Good luck!
Post # 12
Thank you for your messages!
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I’d find some other role for this girl- handing out programs, etc. Your Mom is being completely unreasonable on this. Has she been doing this with other aspects of the wedding plans? If so, maybe you and Fiance need to look at refusing her gift, if she’s going to pull ultimatums.
Post # 14
I think the bride and groom alone have the say in the wedding party.
Post # 15
I would think she could have some say since she is paying for a lot of it….but I do think it’s really strange to insist a cousin is in it! I would have been okay with siblings, but cousins you don’t hardly know…no.
And I think it’s even more out of line to say who has to be a groomsmen!!!
I would try to find something else for them to do to see if she will be okay with that instead!
Post # 16
I see both sides. I’m personally with you that you should get to choose, and the gift card analogy is a good one. On the flip side, I know people who’ve given money with strings attached. eg. I’ll pay for your degree so long as you’ll be a doctor – not if you want to go into acting. I actually know one family – the parents will cover each daughter’s ENTIRE wedding only if one of the other sister’s is Maid/Matron of Honor, and the other one is a bridesmaid; if both daughters are not in the bridal party, and one of them is not Maid/Matron of Honor, they won’t pay a cent. The sisters are on decent terms, but not close, and I know at least one said she wouldn’t have put her sisters in/expected to be in theirs otherwise. So if this means a LOT to your mother, you might not have as much wiggleroom. She might want it for appearances for her guests, because she wants her in the wedding photos on her wall, etc. It might be more about your mom’s relationship with the girl or her mother, than yours with either of them.
So I would try to reason with her with some of the points above, but be prepared for it to come down to having the girl in your party or forfeiting the 5k and straining the relationship with your mother.