Post # 1
So my Fiance and his parents weren’t close for a while. His ex seemed to control all of the family stuff and they spent most of the time w her family. They divorce, I enter the picture and things change between Fiance and his parents. They live fairly close to us and we have them over for dinner several times a month, help out now and then etc etc. I think I have a pretty good relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law. So the one thing that really bothers me is my Future Mother-In-Law has dinner with my Fiance ex wife every week, after my to be step daughters dance class. Occasionally I get the impression its just the ex and Future Mother-In-Law. My big concern is that my Future Mother-In-Law is telling my ex everything we’re doing. We see the STBSD twice a week, and she’s 6, so we already know we have a leak. I should mention that FI and have a pact – no venting to family, or discussion of our problems w family – we talk to eachother and work things out. And frankly I have it good – no significant money issues, good jobs, great friends, new house, there is NOTHING for us to complain about. So nothing for Future Mother-In-Law to leak to the ex that’s bad. But am I wrong for feeling wierd about this? My Future Mother-In-Law told my friends at a party that ex isn’t over Fiance yet, ex just “isnt doing well”. Which makes me think the ex wants to “stay friends” with Future Mother-In-Law to get info. And Future Mother-In-Law does this “well I can’t lie” thing – oh yea – Future Mother-In-Law told ex we were moving in together. I guess I’m just being territorial, but I dont want ex to know anything (other than what the 6 year old can figure out – which is fine). I feel like I should get custody of the Mother-In-Law not the ex…So anyone with any advice? I talked w Fiance about it – he thinks I am being a bit paranoid. He not willing to discuss it with his mom because it will give his mom something to talk about with the ex. To make matters more interesting, my FI’s brother apparently is in touch with the ex all the time. (FFIL was in hospital and ex was called by the brother…). I have only met his brother twice. They are not close. So this is very awkward for me. Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice???
Post # 3
Well, if they’re still friends, so be it. Some people work that way. But i’d politely ask her to not talk about your lives to your Fi’s ex. Specifically, i’d have your Fiance mention to his family that you’d prefer it. As far as Fi’s brother keep in touch with her, eh. I mean, she was a part of their lives for awhile. And maybe it ended amicably enough. I’ve known a few people who manage these sort of relationships.
Post # 4
If there wasn’t a kid I would feel differently… but the ex is the mother of your FMIL’s granddaughter. It is nice that they have such a good relationship! I’d say its only a problem if it is actually CAUSING you a problem (i.e. ex using info to make your life harder).
Post # 5
@ejs4y8: The interesting thing about the BIL is that he couldnt stand the ex when they were married. Now they’re best friends. He is doing it to piss off his brother, I think.
Post # 6
One of the things you need to recognize is that your Fiance divorced his ex–his parents didn’t. So if the Future In-Laws were close to the ex before the divorce, you can’t expect them to lose all affection for her because of the divorce.
I say this as one who continued to see my former in-laws as “family” for their entire lives, long after my ex and I were divorced. Fortunately, my ex was fine with this. I wasn’t doing it to find out anything about my ex. It was just because they had been part of my life for 20 years, and I couldn’t just forget them because of the divorce.
So I would agree with CorgiTales: It is only an issue if the ex is using the information to cause you a problem.
Post # 7
This is something I lived and have to say to err on the side of being cautious in every way.
While I have a great relationship with my ex’s w, (not with my ex), I do not have a close relationship at all with my ex in laws.
This advice comes from having several years experience in dealing with this.
My ex inlaws were always seemingly helpful and nice on the surface with regards to me and my child, but in the end, they would always communicate info to my ex about my life now. Always. They would always put ex at the forefront, and enabled in every way, their son.
Do remember that the ex is an ex for a reason. They should (the in laws to be) in no way discuss you or your personal life or relationship with Fiance with his ex.
While imho it’s ok for Fiance to have contact and see the ex IL’s regularly, it is not ok to have any discussion about your relationship at all, about children you have, or about your new life together with them. I think common ground (any children from the previous marriage) is fine to discuss. But it’s off limits for the present marriage and any stepkids any discussions.
Post # 8
I think since there is a common denominator (a child), it’s kind of hard to just break ties. I don’t think you should say anything about it. Unless it’s disruptive in some way, it shouldn’t matter who your Future Mother-In-Law talks to.
Post # 9
Your Future Mother-In-Law is the grandmother and so I see nothing wrong. I know it hurts but just remember you have a decent relationship with Future Mother-In-Law from what I can tell. I kind of find it offensive that you think your step-daughter is a leak. If everything ended amicably, let it sit and not worry b/c your Fiance is with you and not her, there’s nothing you need to worry about. Try not to think of your step-daughter as a potential leak and I think you should also regard Future Mother-In-Law in that way as well. Your FMIL/FBIL has the right to be friends with whomever…try not to let it bother you.
Post # 10
I am still close to my ex MIL(my ex Father-In-Law passed away). I used to call them my “outlaws”.
Remember this above all else. They are still grandparents to your soon to be stepdaughter and you should do everything you can to maintain that relationship.
I encourage you to realize that your FMIL’s relationship with her ex DIL is independent of her realationship with you.
Post # 11
I am going to go against the majority and say I think it’s weird. The ex totally has regrets and is using your Future Mother-In-Law for info. It is one thing to be cordial with the ex, it’s another to have dinner with her every week. If you say something, you probably would seem paranoid although I would be cautious about what is said in front of Future In-Laws. These friendships will probably pass as time goes by, especially if you have children of your own.
Post # 12
Ha ha…I am with Jules and used to also call my ex inlaws the “outlaws”. Why? My ex was a very vindictive person, and used to make ridiculous incinuations he would at some point try to contest our situation of custody, thus the inlaws (outlaws) always kept him informed as to what I was doing.
They still try that when I don’t talk to them for a few months or something. But it doesn’t work. I keep firm boundaries when it comes to them.
Just remember what my grandma always told me. “The ex is an ex for a reason.” and “Blood is always thicker than water”. She was right!
Let him always just be aware that they’ll tell her (his ex) everything possibly discussed and inferred even. They are her parents (the ex).
Post # 13
Interesting thoughts. I personally think that dinner every week is bizarre. I understand my Future Mother-In-Law sending gifts on mothers day and holidays – and I’m okay with it. I just am concerned that my life is being leaked to the ex and I know my Future Mother-In-Law doesnt have any boundaries. My Fiance told his ex this weekend the date of our wedding so the last hurdle is over regarding the wedding. If my Future Mother-In-Law wants to tell her everything about the wedding, so be it. It would be creepy that the ex wife wants to know –
Post # 14
I don’t live close to my daughter’s father’s family but I did have a great relationship with his mother and step-father…one which I maintained long after we broke up and moved on.
I will say that his wife HATED the relationship and felt that both me and my daughter should have been stricken from the books when she came along…LOL. My situation is different though b/c my daughter sees her dad about twice a year and I have met his wife…I think twice in all the years they have been married.
We just don’t cross paths all that much and I have zero desire to know anything that goes on into that household. However, I did enjoy visiting with his mom and step-dad, and his dad sometimes. I am glad I didn’t cut them out of my life b/c my daughter wouldn’t have had a chance to get to know them. Her paternal grandmother, grandad (her dad’s stepfather), and pawpaw (dad’s father) have all passed away now so I am glad that I didn’t let my ex-es wife’s insecurities keep me and my daughter away.
Post # 15
First, try to look at the weekly dinners as some time where Future Mother-In-Law gets to spend time with her granddaughter, rather than dinner with FI’s ex.
Next, why not try to begin a weekly or monthly ritual of your own with FMIL? Go see a movie or have lunch or go bowling one each month—find something you two might like to do together and let that time together allow you two to become better acquainted and deepen your bond.
You didn’t make any mention of what sort of relationship Future Mother-In-Law had with the EX prior to the divorce. Maybe she was the daughter Future Mother-In-Law always wanted? Regardless of the fact that Fiance divorced EX, they do share a cbild and the families share memories and photographs and a history. While it might not be easy to accept their relationship, I think it would be terribly selfish to expect FI’s family to break all ties and friendships with EX simply because you have entered the picture.
My parents have been divorced since I was 7 years old; I am now 40 and parents enjoy holidays, weddings, graduations, etc without any problem. My brother got divorced a few years ago & he actually had an issue with the rest of the family still talking with his ex-wife—the mother of his only child. Once we sat down and talked about it, he realized how silly he was being. His ex-wiife has been in my life since I was 16 years old, why wouldn’t we remain friends?
I’m not suggesting that you attempt to become EX’s BFF, but having an amicable relationship with her will go a long way toward keeping the family peace AND showing your stepdaughter by example how mature, responsible, caring and respectful adults behave.
Post # 16
I am the ex wife who won’t give up the great relationship I have with my ex-inlaws. I love them and they love me. My daughter is part of their family, and I feel it is important for me to have a relationship with her grandma, aunt etc. I always say- THEY didn’t do anything wrong- why would I stop contact with them if we enjoy each other? Fiance really likes them too, recently we stayed with them on vacation for a couple days. My ex-husband’s new girlfriend was not happy about the situation, but she shouldn’t think that we were going to stop our relationship after 15 years. It has NOTHING to do with my ex-husband- I did divorce him for a reason.