Post # 1
I need you to be open minded and am not looking for rude/disrespectful responses.
Back story: My parents divorced when I was 3yrs old and remain cordial at best. Since then, my Dad has remarried twice and with his 2nd wife his and my relationship became strained. So much so that I was part of the reason of their divorce (at age 12). When I was 11 my mother fell in love with another woman (“N”) and revealed to my brother and I that she was bi-sexual. Not that it matters,but my mother is the “femme” and her partner is the “Dom/man” in the relationship.
Since before my fathers divorce he and I haven’t been the same. He no longer keeps promises to come see me or my brother, he doesn’t call often(we talk MAYBE once a month,) and now hes been in South Carolina since I was 16. But I have always been a Daddy’s girl no matter how many times he lets me down. I live in Washington, D.C. My mom’s partner on the other hand has been there for me as long as I’ve known her. We have had our issues like most families but I have grown to consider her more of a father than my own has been to me. She provided for my brother and I when my mother couldn’t and where my father didn’t.
4 years ago she and my Mom moved to Arizona to be closer to her sick grandmother so now I don’t see either of my parents often. 2years ago she and my Mom separated after 11 years. I talk to my Mom often and I talk to “N” through FB and text frequently. Which is more often than I speak to my Dad.
The Problem: Who walks me down the aisle?!?! My Fiance says that as a man you have certain rights and walking your only daughter down the aisle is one of them. I REALLY don’t want to hurt my Dad and I know asking “N” to do it will KILL him. But I also don’t want to hurt “N” because she knows the past and that I sometimes consider her on a higher level than my own Dad. I REALLY don’t like the idea of walking down with two ppl (one on each arm,) but I don’t see much way around it.
The only other thought I had was to start with my Father and have “N” waiting halfway down the aisle. We’d pause for a sec, “N” would join us and we’d continue down the rest of the way. They’d both would give me a way when asked. That way I have the picks with just Daddy and I, but we’d also have the pics with “N” and us and no one would feel left out.
My Fiance says that is too awkward. IDK…PLEASE HELP. And I apologize for the long winded post.
Post # 3
I couldn’t decide between my Dad and Step Dad. I didn’t get along with my Step Dad, but I lived with him my whole life and rarely saw my Dad.
So I decided it would be both or neither. And they agreed to it and it went over well. = )
It also made for some really sweet pics!
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
I would pick what YOU want. I think your idea sounds fine. I have 3 fathers (biological, adoptive, and step), and none of them have been in my life for the whole thing. I debated having my mom walk me down. Have you considered that?
I ended up having my adoptive father and my brother walk me down the aisle and my wife met us in the middle, then we walked together the rest of the way. It was not awkward at all.
This decision is 100% yours, just talk to the people about it beforehand and tell them how much it would mean to you to do what YOU want. I think gender is irrelevant, and your Fiance is being a bit sexist. It’s completely dependent on culture (in Jewish weddings, both parents give the bride away).
You could walk down the aisle by yourself, if you wanted.
Post # 5
Wow. Tough call. I would go with what your gut is telling you. I also would talk to “N” about it and see what she thinks. Perhaps she has some insight. If you two are close, it might shed some light.
Also, boys can be really traditional about things (or at least mine was) so perhaps showing him pictures like @His Barista’s would help that difficulty.
Post # 6
My adoptive dad died 7 years ago, and my birthdad can’t make the wedding, so we had a back-up plan…
Since we met through the FI’s band, his four bandmates will link arms, two on each of mine, and walk me down the aisle!
My dad will get a chance to walk me down when we do a reception in America 🙂 My adoptive dad’s brother is the only family making the ceremony, but we are going to stick with the band walking me down the aisle and giving me away (though suppose they should really be the ones giving HIM away! :P)
I would say go for “N” but I would be worried about his feelings as well and maybe compromise with both from the start of the aisle!
Post # 7
That is tough, but you have to do what feels right to you.
What about your brother or mother walking you down the aisle. There is no rule that says it has to be a father or father figure.
Post # 8
I was having similar anxiety over a dad/stepdad situation – luckily it resolved itself, as my stepdad very graciously told me he knows my dad is important to me and there would be no hurt feelings on his end if I have my dad walk me. And my Fiance is asking my stepdad to be in his wedding party, so we still get to recognize him in a meaningful way.
But that said, I was really torn because I have very good relationships with both of them – and this doesn’t seem like the case with you. I understand you’ll always love your dad, but it doesn’t seem like he’s there for you anymore. Being a biological father doesn’t win you any medals – being a real father figure does. So I disagree with your Fiance that your bio dad has some kind of right to walk his only daughter down the aisle. IMO, he should have thought of that before. I have no patience for a parent – man or woman – who doesn’t give the time of day to his or her kids most of the time, or otherwise doesn’t treat them as a parent should, and then expects to be recognized as World’s Best Dad or Mom.
I think the person walking you should be a person who has always loved and supported you. Traditionally it’s the dad, but it doesn’t have to be. So “N” doesn’t have to be the only option just because she’s the closest thing to a literal father figure. What about your mom? I know someone who had her single mom walk her, and I thought it was lovely.
My best advice would be for you to think about what really makes you feel happy and comfortable, and not what makes everyone else happy. It’s easier said than done, but it at least might give you a new perspective on the situation. Ask yourself, if you took all feelings of obligation out of the picture, what do you want? Maybe that won’t totally solve the problem right away, but it might make the process easier.
And remember you don’t actually need anyone to walk you. Sometimes people say, “Dad’s out of the picture and I can’t think of anyone to walk me” – and my question is, why does it have to be anyone? It shouldn’t be the case that you feel like you need to fill a space with a body because someone needs to walk you – if someone walks you, it should be because they deserve it and they mean something to you, not just because they’re a warm body and it was the option that hurt everyone’s feelings the least. 🙂