Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Okay, here goes:
I am a young 20-something getting married in May. Not everything in our wedding is traditional but a lot is.
My parents went through a dirty, bitter divorce in 2005 while led to an extemely bitter father, mother moving 4,000 miles away, and a whole mix of emotions. My father and I have never been the same since. There was LOTS of emotional and verbal abuse from him, and even today when I confront him about those things he doesn’t recall. How convenient!
When he tells others about how I’ve said he has said this or that or how he’s hurt my feelings, it turns in to how it is my fault one way or another or he can’t believe how I act towards him or don’t speak to him.
For months I haven’t talked to him until recently…it’s not a lot but some. I asked him before if he wanted to be a part of my wedding and I got a quite lovely response of “Oh, you’re going to actually get married and quit living in sin?” (I live with my fiance).
Now recently when we began speaking some, I asked him if he wanted to still be a part of it or not… He told me I WAS THE ONE that dropped him and he had already told me he would walk me down, but he can’t remember saying what he said (my fault, again!).
I have never really pictured myself walking down with anyone, ever. Not even when I was a little girl invisioning my wedding. I told him I wasn’t really sure if I wanted him to walk me down, and now I’m the evil one even though I told him not everything is traditional. I’ve even been told by other family I’ll have “a lifetime of hurt” to makeup for if I don’t let him walk me down. BUT I DON’T WANT HIM TO. He’s not helping with ANY FUNDS, any plans, or anything!
Help!
Post # 3
Member
46664 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Tell him you are an independent woman and no one will be giving you away.
Post # 4
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
Then don’t. You don’t have to have him walk you down the aisle. I’m glad I’m likely going to be having a Jewish wedding, because that way both of my parents walk me down. I would feel quite awkward with just my father walking me down, due to a fairly strained relation.
Post # 5
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee
@Texasbride_513: You are not alone!
I have no relationship with my dad. He and my mom divorced when I was very young, and, while I won’t go into great detail about all of the issues he and I have had, I will say that he’s always been a very emotionally/verbally abusive person. I finally had the strength to cut him out of my life completely at the age of 19.
I’m 28 now. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in years. He doesn’t know I’m engaged … He doesn’t even know my fiance. I honestly don’t think he even knows where I live now (he lives on the East Coast, where I grew up). I’m definitely not planning to invite him to my wedding!
If you don’t feel comfortable having your dad walk you down the aisle, don’t do it. It doesn’t sound as though it was always your dream to have your dad be a special part of your wedding. I don’t think you’ll regret not having him there if all he’s done recently is cause you grief. You shouldn’t feel pressured to do this just because it’s the “traditional” thing to do. You can walk down alone. You could ask a sibling, uncle, friend, etc. to walk you down the aisle. You can even ask your mom to do it if you have a good relationship with her … That’s actually what I’m planning to do, as my mom and I are incredibly close.
I think you should do what feels right to you, though … Don’t let him make you feel guilty if you choose not to include him. Your wedding should be a happy time for you and your fiance. Again, if having your dad walk you down the aisle would make you happy, do it. If not, don’t.
Post # 6
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
IMO giving away a bride is a privilege, NOT a right.
I don’t speak to my father (alcoholic, abusive, blah blah) he won’t be walking me down the aisle. He lost that privilege a LONG time ago. My brother and I are very close and he will be giving me away. If he wasn’t around I would be walking alone.
It’s YOUR wedding. Don’t let people guilt you into anything because you’ll be “causing hurt” .. you don’t want to make a decision that you’ll regret.
Post # 7
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
@bbsoon2be: “IMO giving away a bride is a privilege, NOT a right.”
I totally agree. In this day and age, giving away the bride is seen as a very old fashioned, unnecessary tradition anyway, and no one would look twice at you for saying you wanted to walk down the aisle on your own.
If your dad does kick up a stink about it and refuses to acknowledge the things he’s done and said that have hurt you, just ignore it (easier said than done, I know!) and let him make a fool of himself. At the end of the day, it’s your wedding and your aisle to walk down, so do it however you want
Post # 8
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
Don’t make the decision now. You don’t have to. Drop it and see how you feel closer to the day.
I was all over the map on this issue. I imagined the walk at least 3 different ways. I made a final decision just a few weeks before.
Post # 9
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Thank you all very much! This is all what I have been telling myself. Like said, it is an old tradition from when a woman was considered “property”.
He will just have to deal with it…
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