(Closed) “Who gives this woman”…..NO! Taking traditional pieces out of my ceremony.

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

i don’t think there is any problem in doing what you want.  my Fiance and i are switching up a lot of things in our ceremony.  i totally agree with you.  if you are doing this one thing once in your life i want to have it the way i want to have it.  we are changing our ceremony music completely!  our parents don’t know yet but we feel very strong about it. 

Post # 4
11824 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

That’s awesome!  Do things the way you want!  Just make sure your officiant is on the same page as you!

Post # 5
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I completely understand! I refuse to be announced as "Mr. & Mrs. FI’s name" and if any vendor says that, they’re going to get a very long pissed off glare from me, hehe I know most brides don’t mind at all, but I personally just don’t like it. I mean, I do have a first name!

Post # 6
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I totally understand. =) We’re including both parts, but we’re changing them up. Instead of having "who gives this woman", we’re going to have a moment where the guests can each make a wish for the new couple on a "wishing stone" that they can later throw in the wishing well we’ll be providing. =) And instead of "does anyone object" we’re having our guests show their SUPPORT by reading a blessing that will be printed in their programs. 

@LanaJade: Most weddings I’ve been at, they announce the couple as "Mr. & Mrs. Groom’s Last Name" (assuming the bride is taking the groom’s last name) — they don’t include the groom’s first name any more!

Post # 7
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yay, I say go for it! I hate hate those traditions too and recently went to a wedding where they asked who gives this woman and I couldn’t help but be SO ANNOYED! We are not property!

Post # 8
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Not a problem one bit! I will not be given away as I have no relationship with either of my parents and its only my sister and I so what we decided to do was since it was a very small ceremony only 15 people the officant is asking "who gives their blessing in the union of bear and mr bear" and everyone at the ceremony which is his immediate family, my sis, neice and our best friends they will all say "we do". Instead of the officiant doing the opening prayer, my Future Father-In-Law is doing it because he is amazing at it and I feel weird having someone pray for us who does not know us. We also took out the unity candle, and our neice and nephews will be our 3 ring bearers. She is holding his for me and the boys will give him mine. Do what makes you happy and what makes it special for you guys. Ours was about having our family there and be a part somehow.

Post # 9
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think it is great you are going to personalize your ceremony in such a way.  I tried to do the same thing while maintaining the traditional aspects of our church ceremony.

I am keeping the "who gives this woman" part, but the way our minister approaches it, it is more of a declaration from the bride’s parents that they support the marriage and they give their blessing.  I see the point of the property innuendo, but in the end I don’t think I could have taken that moment from my dad (not that he thinks I’m his property, I just want him to be able to play his traditional role I guess).  Plus, my mom has such a great story from when she got married and my grandpa sat on the porch the entire afternoon practicing that one line "Her mother and I do…Me and her mother, wait no…Her mother and me…"  

Our minister is very clear about the "does anyone object" statement.  He refuses to do it.  He thinks that if someone really wants to cause that drama, they can do it privately and before the ceremony, and he wouldn’t dare give someone the opportunity to ruin a wedding in such a way.  I’m putting in a support blessing for the congregation and he was really excited to see that.  He thought it was a great thing to incorporate.

Post # 10
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

We’re changing these too.  Although I’m not sure yet how we’re going to change the Mr & Mrs part at the end since I’m keeping my name….

Post # 11
8 posts

Your officiant will be able to tell you if he/she is required by state law to ask the "object" question.  Here is the Cayman Islands it is one question we must ask by law.  There are two more things we are required to do, one is to ask do you take this woman/man as your wife/husband, and then we have to pronounce them husband and wife.

For a beach wedding I often have guests write a message or wish on a sand dollar, and these are collected and given to the couple after the ceremony.  This is particularly effective where children are involved in the wedding.


Post # 13
405 posts
Helper bee

We’re doing the same thing! Our celebrant is saying "Are you freely and without reservation ready to marry this day?"

And at the end he’s saying "For the first time as a married couple I introduce to all of you J & A".

We’re not KEEPING much traditional stuff! LOL We’re doing a handfasting, a rose ceremony and we’re pinky swearing (and a quick kiss) at the end instead of "You may now kiss the bride".

Like you said – it’s YOUR ceremony and it should be how YOU want it! 😀

Post # 14
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Go for it! I’m at a seminary where many people are very serious about feminism (feminism in religion, in my opinion, is about identifying ways that patriarchy has interfered with the Gospel and dehumanized women in the church, and ending that. A lot of people assume that feminism is all about man-hating… that’s not what I’m about.)

As I’ve gotten ready for the wedding, I’ve talked a lot about this stuff with my friends here. One thing that I like as a feminist response to "who gives this woman" is asking the families of *both* people to stand or come forward. The officiant can then say something like "Do you give your blessing to this marriage, and to the new family that your children form today?" And they can reply "We do."

I like it, because I think that the point of "who gives this woman" (aside from the chattel thing) is that your parents acknowledge and bless that in the wedding, you and your fiance are becoming each other’s family. And I want FI’s family to acknowledge it as well!

Post # 15
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Find an awesome officiant, and do whatever YOU want with your wedding.  I don’t often do the traditional giving away piece (with the "Who gives this woman.."), and, if I do, it’s more of a presentation, and I encourage both the mom AND the dad to stand up, as a show of support, and less trading off the goods 😉

I also always put "You may kiss each other!" at the end instead of the more traditional "You may kiss the bride!"  There are a lot of creative ways to announce at the end if you don’t want to do Mr. & Mrs. Newlastname.. my personal favorite is "I know present the newlyweds, You and Him!"

As everyone else said – it’s YOUR ceremony, make it reflect YOU!

Post # 16
1 posts

As an Officiant, for those that aren’t taking the grooms last name I generally say when presenting them: "ladies and gentlemen the new Mr. & Mrs". or "may I present to you for the first time the newlyweds".  Later when the DJ/emcee announces them when they enter the reception he/she says the same: Ladies and gentlemen presenting the newlyweds or presenting the new couple. As for the "Giving away" part of the ceremony. Many brides follow this custom, simply because it is a custom, tradition, but they also recognise it’s meaning has long since changed. Today, the act of "giving" the bride away is symbolic of having her parents/families blessing. It is often done more for the parents who have raised you and feel it is customary/their rightful place to give (present) you, that she does not walk alone. If this is the case where you want to do it for your parents than it is often said as who brings this woman, or who presents this woman. While many woman feel this tradition is archaic, you can eliminate or revise it to include a mother, brother or person of significance in their life or simply walk the aisle alone and eliminate the words altogether.


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