Post # 1
First time poster here. I’m in a serious pickle. My mother and my Maid/Matron of Honor are throwing me a bridal shower and my FMI offered to throw my fiance and I an engagement party. However, now there is a big argument going on, specifally with my FMI, about who is invited to what. I, personally, do not want a large shower. Invited are immediate families from both sides, close friends, and VERY close family friends. However, my FMI feels that every single woman, basically, should be invited, which would end up being close to 100 females. Including women I have never met in my life before (her work friends, mostly). My fiance and I feel that those people should be invited to our engagment party, and feel that the engagement party is a way for people to meet everyone. Both parties can meet, family members can meet, and friends can meet. Its now gotten to the point where my FMI wants to ditch the engagement party and now throw me a seperate bridal shower with these random women I’ve never met. I just think thats a little strange and a bit of a slap in the face to my mother and Maid/Matron of Honor, as in “yours wasnt good enough so i threw your daughter another”. Not to mention, a party in my honor with all women I have never met before, without my fiance to introduce me, is also a little strange. “Hi, thank you lady ive never met until just now for the tupperware set”. Apparently, her main concern was cost of the engagment party. If she throws an engagement party, she wants to do it at a resturaunt, which would be approx 50 a person, plus rental fees. However, she contradicts herself by informing us that she would give my mother and Maid/Matron of Honor money for extra people to attend the bridal shower. We told her numberous times that she should just put that money towards the engagement party, or, host it elsewhere so it wouldnt cost so much, ie; one of our homes. Basically, she responded with a “its what I want” attitude and about how she “needs” these people there. I should probably mention that she bumped our original guest list from 125 to 200.
I know that traditions have changed and there is no exact answer for any of this, so I guess Im just looking for opinions. Im in over my head and so aggrivated, any input would help! Thanks!!
Post # 3
So, only those who will be invited to the wedding should be invited to an engagement party or wedding shower, and it’s considered a faux pas for the immediate family — your mother or FMIL– to throw a shower because it appears as if they are just trying to get you and your fiance gifts.
I would agree with you on having an engagement party where everyone is invited and a shower where only those ladies that you know are invited because although many people may give you engagement gifts it is not expected that a guest will bring a gift to an engagement party, whereas it is expected that the guests will bring gifts to the shower. For that reason I would feel uneasy about inviting ALL of the ladies because they may feel that they have to buy you a gift before you’ve even met! Maybe if you explain it to your mother in this way, she will see why a smaller shower might be preferable.
Post # 5
@Zusie: Thank you! Yes, we had told her that only those invited to the wedding could be invited to the other parties. Though it is mostly my Maid/Matron of Honor throwing the bridal shower, my mother is helping a bit and I did only invite those who I personally know. I felt it was strange inviting random women to my shower, but my Future Mother-In-Law apparently doesnt see that. I am all about meeting the people I have yet to meet that are important to her, but I dont think she understands the intamacy of a shower versus an engagement party. Ive also just learned that she has zero interest in throwing the engagment party at either of our houses, as we are “passed that”. ::eye roll:: At this point I may give my Future Mother-In-Law 5 extra women (despite not knowing them) that can be invited to the shower, just to end this argument and move on already.
Post # 6
I have to disagree with the poster that mentioned it is an ettiquite faux pas for family to throw a bridal shower. The only person who shouldn’t throw a shower is the bride herself.
OP, if your Future Mother-In-Law wants to throw you another shower to include her friends, then I’d go along with it and just be gracious. While I totally agree with you that an engagement party would be the perfect way to introduce the families & friends, it seems like she is pretty set on throwing a shower for you instead. If space or money is an issue for you MOH/mom, let your Future Mother-In-Law know or maybe put her in contact with them. That way you can remove yourself from the situation.
FWIW, my Future Mother-In-Law & FSILs threw a surprise shower for me that included many of my FMIL’s friends and some family members I had never met before. Maybe she is just really excited you are joining the family and wants to “show you off” to her girl friends. If her friends don’t want to attend or think it is gift-grabby, then it is on your Future Mother-In-Law since she is hosting the shower.
Hope that helps. Best of luck to you.
Post # 7
its fine if your Future Mother-In-Law wants to give you a party but the guest list for the party should come from you. and only those invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower