Post # 1
There are about 4 months left until my wedding and we have most of our planning done… However, we still aren’t sure what’s going on with the rehearsal dinner. My fiance’s parents haven’t offered to pay for ANYTHING to do with the wedding. My fiance and I are paying for a lot of the wedding ourselves, but my parents are also helping out. I have asked my fiance if his parents have come out and offered to pay for anything as of yet, but he says they have not. What bothers me is my future Mother In Law asks me every once in a while things like “Do you have any thoughts about the rehearsal dinner?” or “Have you and (fiance) talked about the rehearsal dinner at all?” Last week she even asked me if I had any idea of the number of people who would be coming to the dinner. I’m not sure if this is her way of “feeling me out” about what our expectations are (in case they are trying to decide if it’s something they can afford to foot the bill for), or if she’s simply hinting that it’s something I should begin planning myself. I know that sometimes the groom’s family is “in charge of” the rehearsal dinner, but seeing as they haven’t come out and actually offered to throw it or even put money towards it I’m not sure what to do. I just always answer her questions with vague responses like “We haven’t really figured anything out yet… it’s really up in the air…”. Seeing as we’re only 4 months away I feel like we need to start figuring something out soon, but I don’t want to come out and ask if they’re planning on hosting anything because it might seem rude. What should we do??
Post # 3
I would think that’s her way of feeling out if you already have a plan. If you do have an idea of what you would like ideally, I would give her a brief description, and maybe if it’s within what she had in mind, she’ll offer to pay. Like, “I think I’d like something low key, with just the bridal party and our parents.” Or, “I’d like to offer all out of town guests to come and go to such and such restaurant”.
Post # 4
actually thats exactly what you need to do.
“hi FMIL, i was wondering if you would like to be in charge of the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally its done by the groom’s family and its a time for you to really shine as a host, and plan something for the two families. So if you would like to do so, would you? I understand if you cant financially, but we wanted to ask to see if you would be interested in doing this…”
Post # 5
also, where do you live? in the south its always a big to-do for the groom’s Mother to take the reins in planning the RD since usually she doesnt take part in the actual wedding planning since the Brides family hosts that.
Post # 6
It sounds to me like she’s feeling you out. I don’t think it would be rude to ask her; the worst that could happen is she’d say no. Just ask her if she was thinking of hosting the rehearsal dinner, and then tactfully make sure she’s aware that hosting the dinner means paying for it. 😀
Post # 7
In one of my vague responses over the past weeks I’ve actually said “We want something really informal and low key because the wedding day will be so formal…” hoping that it would encourage them to offer to host, but never got any sort of offer or response from them. We even sat down and came up with a tentative number of guests when she asked, but she never took the next step to say that they were actually thinking about hosting or even helping out with any of it.
Post # 8
I guess I’m just feeling like it might be rude of me to come right out and ask her if she wants to pay for it. Would it be less rude for my fiance to be the one to approach her about it? Maybe if they were alone she would feel more comfortable to open up to him about what’s really going through her head…. But at the same time I didn’t want to make him the bad guy, or the one who was being rude asking.
Post # 9
Why would she be asking about the number of guests unless she was thinking of planning it?! You might want to pop the question soon, because you may find that she’s been planning to host this event all along and just assumed you took it for granted! You wouldn’t want to end up with two rehearsal dinners planned!
Post # 10
Just a suggestion or two:
Do you think that your FI could ask them if they were planning on hosting it? Or
Would your mom want to make contact and kind of see what FILs are thinking?
Good luck, that’s a tough one.
Post # 11
It sounds like she can’t afford it, if she hasn’t offered to give you money for the wedding.
I know it’s suppose to be the FI parents but if she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it.
You can ask her if she is she is able to help out a little and see what she says.
You’ll see a lot of girls here, who are paying for the wedding by themselves. Nowadays, it’s ok if the parent’s don’t help out with paying for it.
My and my husband paid for 90% of our wedding. I knew from the start that my parents didn’t have much money to give us, so I didn’t even ask them for anything.
ETA: Also, your response… We haven’t really figured anything out yet… it’s really up in the air…”. can be a bit confusing for her too. I could take that as you don’t know if you are having one. You are giving her mixed signals just like she is. I would come out and say that you want one and was wondering if she would be willing to help out. You’re not saying that you want her to pay for everything; you are asking her if she can at least help out. It’s not putting all the pressure on her to pay for it.
Post # 12
If FMIL brings it up again, just say something like “we’d really like to have a low key get-together with our parents and wedding party, but on top of all the time and money FI are putting into the wedding we just don’t know that we’re up to planning another party.” If she’s interested in hosting, that gives her an “in” to offer; if she’s not interested then you haven’t put her on the spot.
Post # 13
my dad told me that typically the groom’s family takes care of/pays for the rehearsal dinner…which is why she was probably asking you about it! She *might* be asking you about it, lots of details, because she assumes she’s going to help with it…..but wants you to plan it a little, i dont know….
Post # 14
or maybe she wants to pay for it, but she doesn’t want to be the one to make the decisions. Wants to wait till you have it all planned out and then she’ll foot the bill.
I had my fiance talk to his family about it. ” We were wondering if you were interested in hosting the rehearsal dinner, since that is traditional.” And we went from there.