Who loves more in your relationship?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
6149 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

After over a decade together, I’d say that which of us has a greater need for the other ebbs and flows. There have been times where it’s been more him and there have been times where it’s more me. The love language thing is a really good resource because it helped us get on the same page so that we could give each other what we need and also see how each of us were trying to express our love in ways that could be missed otherwise.

Post # 17
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Of course one person loves the other more in every relationship. Not sure why some bees are acting like you’re making up an idea. Two people can’t be completely equally in love In My Humble Opinion.  Now, obviously I’m not in my husband’s Head and vice versa, so it’s very personal and perception based. I don’t know what a certain amount of love feels like for him. Maybe his “deeply in love” is my “moderately in love”, but if that is the most love he’s capable of giving, then it is similar to my “deeply in love”. Like I said, it’s perception. With that being said, we take turns being the needy one. It’s an ebb and flow. It’s been 13 years, and I feel like we are just as in love as ever. What that feels like for him, I haven’t a clue…but if he says that he loves me with everything that is in him, and I feel the same, we are “equal” enough. Even though that takes on many shapes. 

Your husband loves you as much as you love him I’m sure, it’s just that it looks different for him. I bet you are his favorite person too. 

Post # 18
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

You sound a lot like my Fiance. I don’t think between me and her there is one of us more in love than the other (even though my Fiance thinks that she loves me more!). I think she is less sociable and is a lot more needy than I am, she would spend 100% of her free time with me whereas I quite like doing some things alone and seeing friends sometimes without her. She’s my best friend and I do spend the majority of me free time with her, but sometimes I want to hang out with friends alone too, she doesn’t really understand that need and sometimes takes offence. 

Her love language is affection, so unless she gets a lot of cuddles and kisses every day she feels upset and like we’re not as close. Whereas my love language is acts of service, I feel happiest if she shows me she loves me by doing something for me, and I can go without as much affection and still feel close and loved. 

I don’t think being more independent or needing some time alone means he loves you less, likewise I don’t think being more needy means you love him more, it’s just personality differences. 

Post # 18
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

 

somedaymrsj :  +1000

OP, you and your partner should take the love languages test online and read the book. It honestly is fantastic and he helped both my Fiance and I to understand each other better. Mine is gifts, his is physical touch. There can be a lot of misunderstandings when you and your partner’s love languages are so different so it’s important to recognise and understand the differences.

Post # 19
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee

i honestly believe that most relationships are somewhat unbalanced in terms of who cares more. i’ve certainly had relationships where i was head over heels and the other person wasn’t as keen, and relationship where things were nearly even… but to answer your question i’d say my husband loves me more. so i try to do things with him even when i’d rather not and show him affection when it wouldn’t be my natural inclination, because i’m committed to our marriage and want him to feel secure and happy too.

Post # 21
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think my husband and I love each other equally, and we luckily have mostly the same love languages. He’s more into words of affirmation than I am, though, so if you were a fly on the wall you might think he loves me more because he says it so often! But we also both are very into touch and quality time, and I really appreciate acts of service like cleaning the kitchen, or learning new vegetarian recipes he thinks I’ll enjoy. 

I disagree that the evidence you’ve shared points to you loving your husband more than he loves you. I think you just have different ways of showing your love, and you could work on your communication to get what you need from him to feel his love for you. 

Post # 22
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

nonablu :  This was my first thought as well. 

My husband and I are equally borderline obsessed with each other, but he has a bit more trouble being apart than I do. I have more close friendships than him and take time to work on those friendships, whereas it often seems like he would be perfectly happy if I were the only major person in his life. 

The fact that he’s my absolute FAVOURITE thing doesn’t mean that I don’t also get something vital from the other things in my life. I actually think it’s the same for him, he just has a harder time recognizing it in the moment. I often have to encourage him to see his friends because I know that in the long term it makes him happier to have those relationships and hobbies as well as ours. 

I would just try to be honest with your husband when you need some extra time with him. It sounds like he would be very receptive to that and that he wants you to feel loved. It’s not a matter of him loving you less, it’s just needing different things to feel loved and express love. I definitely suggest looking more into love languages! 

Post # 23
Member
2069 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Since there is a lot on here about the love languages, I will just share what we did. We actually took the quiz online in the car while we were traveling one weekend. He was driving, so I asked him the questions and he told me what to put down as his answer to get his love language. We then switched and I drove while he filled out the quiz for me. This REALLY opened my eyes (and his as well) and has helped SO much in how we communicate, express love, etc! My top two are gifts and acts of service. His are physical touch and quality time. Both of which we guessed before we took it.

But to see that he would rather sit on the couch with me after dinner instead of me cleaning up really helped the way we do things at home Just how he answered some of the questions, I have gotten better and made more of an an effort to express my love in a way that he understands and appreciates. And he has done the same! And when I get him a little something or put away the dishes and clean the house while he’s gone he appreciates it more because he knows that’s how I express my love for him. And when he asks me to watch a movie or sit on the patio with him right after work, I do it even if I’d rather get my workout in first, because that’s what he needs. I highly recommend taking the quiz together and seeing how the other answers the questions! 

Post # 24
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

americanjasmine :  I completely understand what you are saying. For me personally i like to be physically touched to feel loved. A hug, a brush of my arm, a kiss, cuddling. My boyfriend was pretty upfront at the beginning that he isn’t a huge cuddler. It hurts my heart a bit but like you I think its more about me than him. I don’t NEED constant physical contact I keep reminding myself. He shows me he loves me in so many other ways. He cooks breakfast for me, cleans his apartment when i come over, does my laundry if i bring any with me, he helped me move to a new apartment when we were first dating. So i remind myself of that. 

I also bet you do this too but, the random times where he is super overly affectionate I soak it up. Once it was because he didn’t see me for a week bc he was out of town. But usually im not sure what creates his sudden desire to be more affectionate to me. But when It happens I soak it up and enjoy every moment of it. It makes the rest of the time not bad because i have those moments where he does show me he loves me in the way I like. 

But it is a bummer I agree. I wish he would come cuddle on the couch with me more often instead of sitting in his recliner chair next to the couch. Sometimes he comes over on his own and cuddles me. Last weekend he didnt’. Some times he asks me if I want him to sit with me. (apparently his previous ex really railed on him all the time that she wanted more cuddles) My approach is, he is who he is. I know he loves me, no relationship is totally perfect. I am slowly getting more comfortable asking for a hug when I want one etc. 

Post # 25
Member
10660 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

americanjasmine :  

In general, men are better at compartamentalizing.  They can put us on the shelf for awhile while they focus on something else. My Dh, for example, absolutely, positively cannot multitask.  If he’s putting groceries away and starts talking, the grocery  putting away halts instantly.  He can only do one thing at a time.

People just love differently.  Your Dh may be doing the best he can.

In our relationship, Dh is definitely more invested.  It’s just the differences in our basic natures.  It doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere.

Post # 26
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

People love in so many different ways, it’s a very complex yet simple thing IMO 

I’m possibly the more needy one, I like to be told I’m loved and I want kisses and cuddles. He “provides” for me (as in he does cooking mainly, and he will sort our general stuff out) as well as giving me random gifts. That’s where I lack, I never buy him gifts I tend to be the more catering to his emotional side. Saying this we meet in the middle and balance each other, we fit perfectly despite the differences and I wouldn’t have it any other way

He is my fave person, and I love him to bits, never in my life have I felt so comfortble and happy in someone’s presence but my God I need my space from him too haha

 

Post # 27
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I don’t think that means your husband loves you any less.

I have a very large circle of friends. I fly back home about 4 times a year, each for 1 week time periods. The only time my husband flies is for Christmas. So 3 weeks out of the year I go home to spend quality time with family and friends. It doesn’t mean I love him less. If anything, I miss him like crazy! 

And some people crave being close all the time. Other people hate when people get too close. I wouldn’t take it personal. 

I would read up on Meyer Brigg Personality Types and Love Languages. It sounds like you guys are polar opposites. Which is fine, it’s just easier when you realize it. 

Post # 28
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

I do think that in most cases, one person loves the other ‘more’ but that is not a bad thing. I also think that those moments can ebb and flow. 

My fiance loves me more if I had to choose between the two options. But, that means nothing at the end of the day.

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