Post # 1
Things are never completely equal. Is one of you more attached or invested than the other? Or does it switch back and forth? Was the balance you have now basically the one you started with?
I have discovered that I tend to attract men who invest more emotionally than I do. There are certainly a plethora of reasons why that used to happen. It has caused me no end of grief. I would end up with some guy because he was in love with me, not because I liked him.
There is no question that Dh is more invested than I. It’s built into our basic natures. Dh is quite comfortable. Mostly, he treats me as if we were still dating.
So, how about the rest of you? Is one of you more in love than the other? This is Real Life, nothing is truly symmetrical.
Is it static or does it jump around? If it does, is the switching fueled by any particular experiences or types of experiences?
Post # 2
your question makes me think of Jane Austen’s Persuasion
“I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.
I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father’s house this evening or never.”
Post # 3
sassy411 : honestly, I think my husband. I met my husband in the state that I have always lived in. He was here for work and a temporary sea change with idea of going back to the state his family lives in. He is close with his family so he had to choose whether I was worth staying here for. He chose to stay even though it means only seeing his elderly parents 6 times a year. He gave up a lot whilst I really gave up nothing and gained so much so for that reason I’d say he loves more because he had to choose to forfeit something important to him to be with me.
I do love him obviously but I think my love is less selfless than his for the above mentioned reason. He’s also one to who would do anything to make me happy whereas I’m more selfish and stand my ground. I always tell him off for giving in too quickly to make me happy. I’m like stand your ground and don’t let me railroad you!! I don’t know why but whenever I say that in a discussion we end up just giggling at each other like idiots and we end up being more honest with each other and he ends up telling me the truth of his feelings as opposed to just trying to make Me happy. I do really try to remember that he is like that when we have differing perspectives on things and make a point to not accidentally railroad him. 😞
Post # 4
I never attracted to man who doesn’t pursue me first, as I think lots of them are just being playful & flirt to all woman lol. But when I like someone I got it deep.
With Darling Husband, I’m definitely more clingy than him. Cannot stand without him even for a day (I need my daily cuddle lol), where I think he can use some days without me bitching Xp. Not sure about who loves more though.
Post # 5
This sounds so much like Dh and me. Your husband really did make a Grand Gesture to win your heart.
I totally get you on the selfish and stand your ground stuff. This will, no doubt, come as enormous surprise to Bees who have been here awhile, but I can be a tad overbearing at times. The word steamroller comes to mind.
There is never much doubt that I will get my way. Which is invariably for the best, as Dh has no intuition. He is actually missing that chip. If I’m trying to make a difficult decision and Dh says: Well, I have a <strong style=”font-style: italic;”>feeling . . . that’s my cue to listen very carefully and do exactly the opposite.
But, the differences are why we work. At the core, our values and beliefs are well synced.
Post # 6
I definitely think, at least for me, it goes back and forth. Some days I can’t stand for my boyfriend to even leave the house and others he is getting on my last nerve lol. And I am sure it’s the same for him. We have definitely hit rough patches, where I was totally disconnected and ‘checked-out’ of the relationship…and then we DID break-up and we got back together because I realized (thankfully not too late) how deeply I love him. And there have been times when I sense a disconnection on his part, but it is always ultimately resolved. But in the grand scheme of things, I think the level of investment is mutual otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to weather the storms we have.
Post # 7
Hmm that’s a tough one… In the beginning, I definitely was invested more emotionally. We were friends first, and his thoughts on me were, “Hm, she’s cute, I like hanging out with her. I think she has a bit of a crush on me.” He didn’t really try to process through his thoughts on me or anything, or think about whether he should ask me out, but that’s just how he had always been. He’d find girls cute, but never do anything about it, or really think it himself, “Hm, do I have feelings for this girl? Should I ask her out?” Part of it was that he was shy, part of it was that it just was never natural for him to think like that, part of it was that he was living with his parents until he was 28 (he paid of his student loans, his car loan, and saved up to buy a house plus a good sized emergency fund) and didn’t want a relationship until he moved out. We got together less than a month after he bought his house and moved out of his parents’ house, and I was his first relationship.
I’m the one who told him how I felt about him. He decided to try dating because I was “cute and fun to hang out with.” Lol so romantic. But that’s just how he is. I definitely had more feelings for him in the beginning. It took until like 10 months in I think for him to tell me he loved me, and that was after a LOT of strong hinting from me. Confessions of emotions (even to himself) don’t come easy to him. Honestly he had never even had a super close friendship with someone where he could talk about his feelings, his thoughts on anything and everything, where he could truly open up. So it did take him a while to open up to me. But he did.
Three years into the relationship, I can’t really say who is more emotionally invested. I do not doubt for a moment that he loves me, in a way that he has never felt for anyone else. We are extremely close, and both of us factor the other in every decision for our future. I know that he would be devastated without me, as I would be without him. At this point, I don’t think we really would know how to navigate through life without the other. I am better at expressing my emotions, although he has come a long way with that as well. But he shows his love in lots of other ways. So I think it’s hard for me to really say who is more invested, because we are both totally invested and show our emotional investment in some similar ways, some different ways. He was slower to get there, but he is definitely there now.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
I’d say Fiance is more “head over heels” than I am. But, he’s a Cancer and I’m an Aquarius, so that makes perfect sense.
Post # 9
Hah! When is his birthday? Another moody moon child here.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
sassy411 : How nice! I know the star signs aren’t an exact science, but so many people I know fit theirs EXACTLY, its uncanny. He’s 07/10 and I’m 01/28. 🙂 He’s your typical sensitive, sweet, caring, victimizing, whiney Cancer we all know and love, haha! I’m the typical know-it-all, leave-me-the-f-alone, creative brainiac. 😉
Post # 11
For people from the outside looking in, I think they’d say my husband is more invested/loves me more. But I think that’s just because of the way he expresses his love. I’d actually say we’re pretty equal, but I’m much more…quiet about it I guess? I’m still head over heels in love with my husband and he is with me. We both tell each other constantly that we love and appreciate one another. My husband said just the other day that he loves me more and more each and every day. I feel the same.
Post # 12
It actually feels completely balanced in my relationship with my husband, and has pretty much since day 1. I’ve never had a relationship where it felt balanced before dh. We are very similar though in terms of our needs, how we express ourselves, etc., so that probably has a lot to do with it. I am cancer and he’s gemini, fwiw.
ETA: Has anyone ever seen this website: http://www.thesecretlanguageofbirthdays.com/ ? You plug in your bday and your SO’s bday and it tells you about your relationship dynamic. It is eerily accurate for me!
Post # 13
I feel like I am more in love with him than vice versa, but it really hurts him that I think that so idk!
Post # 14
Wow, his birthday is one day away from mine. What are our plans for next year?
Dh was born 10/22, so he’s a borderline. He really has absolutely no Scorpio in him at all. I’ve never been clear on how to read his horoscope.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
tiffanybruiser : Whaaat – checking this out now! Too cool!
sassy411 : How funny! happy belated to you! With the way weather in CT has been, next year will propably be a skiing trip to the Swiss Alps! Lol!!!!