(Closed) Who pays for the shower?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d approach the BM’s and ask if they are interested in hosting the shower from all of you. Then split the costs that way. It isn’t out of the ordinary or unexpected. Where I live, that’s usually who hosts it anyway, unless there’s a really small bridal party and the cost would be prohibitive.

I paid for most of one daughter’s as there was only one attendent, and the other daughter’s was paid for by the Maid/Matron of Honor, only one Bridesmaid or Best Man, me and the MOG.

Post # 4
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Generally the BMs host the shower, so I think it’s totally fine to ask them contribute. I wouldn’t ask the MOB though unless she offers. 

Since money is tight, there are a lot of things you can do keep costs reasonable like have it in someone’s house and DIY decorations and food.

Post # 5
Member
46606 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If the bridal party is throwing the shower, they pay. If you are hosting at as a friend rather than as the Maid/Matron of Honor, you could ask other friends to co-host.

You can also tell the bride that you cannot afford to host such a large shower.

Post # 7
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

Honestly, if you are hosting you pay.  But that also means you set the terms.  If you can’t afford to host 65 people, then tell her how many you are able to afford to host.  Maybe make it a cake and punch shower, over a non meal time.  It doesn’t have to be a fancy elaborate affair.

I don’t think it’s polite to ask others to share your financial burden.  If you couldn’t afford to host a shower, then you shouldn’t have offered.

Post # 8
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@andielovesj:  I disagree, only because she is so close to the MOB already.  And I bet if she is holding it at the MOB’s house, she will likely offer to cover something during a walk thru. But I do agree with you that I wouldn’t ask for the MOB to contribute.

If you know the other BM’s pretty well, maybe they’re just waiting for you to ask them to contribute. I am currently doing the waiting game with my best friend’s sister/MOH…

And as a reminder…Bridesmaid or Best Man etiquette from the dear Emily Post.  http://www.emilypost.com/attendants

 

Post # 9
Member
46606 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@andielovesj:  I disagree also about not asking the BM’s to help financially. Most often the Maid/Matron of Honor assumes the responsibility of hosting the shower on behalf of the bridal party. It is perfectly appropriate to ask the BM’s to pitch in. I would not ask the MOB but I would accept if she offered!

Post # 10
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I thought it was usually the MOH’s responsibility.  When I was my best friend’s Maid/Matron of Honor, I paid for everything.  A couple of the bridemaids may have offered to help, but I can’t remember.  I know I paid for it on my own though.

Post # 11
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

When I was the Maid/Matron of Honor in my BF’s wedding, we all split the cost:

-I took care of the invitations, thank you notes, cake & dessert

– Parents purchased the food

– BM’s chipped in on decorations and prizes for games

– Everyone helped with set-up and take down

So it was a collaborative effort and no one cost was put on one person! Everyone wanted to have a part of the planning and contribute, so it was best to divvy everything up!

 

Post # 12
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@julies1949:  I disagree also about not asking the BM’s to help financially. Most often the Maid/Matron of Honor assumes the responsibility of hosting the shower on behalf of the bridal party.


I think that if you are hosting either in conjuction with or on behalf of anyone else, it is best to discuss that before you committ them to something.  This is especially true for something that has a financial component.  I don’t think anyone can say what I am going to be willing to pay for without consulting me first.

It may be that the BMs want to contribute, but I don’t think the Maid/Matron of Honor can make that decision for them.  If the Maid/Matron of Honor agrees to host a shower, she is accepting all the committments; financial, time, planning, hosting, clean up. 

If a Bridesmaid or Best Man came on this site posting about how the Maid/Matron of Honor wanted to host a shower for the bride, made the arrangements and then requested that they chip in, but that they coudln’t afford it.  We would all side with the Bridesmaid or Best Man that she should have been consulted up front, and that if the Maid/Matron of Honor offered to host a shower, she was hosting, and that she coudln’t later ask the Bridesmaid or Best Man to pony up the cash.

Post # 13
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would contact the bride’s mother and the other bridesmaids. My mother is planning the shower with my Maid/Matron of Honor and my mother is also footing the entire bill. I’ve also been in a wedding where the mother insisted we hold it at an expensive restaurant and made each Bridesmaid or Best Man pay $350 (I think etiquette dictates the mother should pay if she insists on something so expensive.)

I am currently a Bridesmaid or Best Man in another wedding this summer and the sister is paying for/hosting the shower, but I took control of sending out invitations. etc.

Post # 14
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@andielovesj:  I would like to politely point out that OP did not say that she offered to throw a shower for 65 people.  It appears that the shower-throwing came about from her being Maid/Matron of Honor.  It’s probably one of those ill-timed events (since she said she is closing on her own house and I’m sure short on spare cash for parties).  The only way to truly have avoided this that I see would have been to turn down being Maid/Matron of Honor for a very close friend.

I also doubt that the other BMs have thought about pitching in and want to contribute. I don’t think they are purposely avoiding putting out money, though.  It’s quite possible that it just hasn’t crossed their minds, and if they are close friends (or all around well-intentioned people), I would hope Maid/Matron of Honor coming to them and saying “Help!” would not raise eyebrows or leave anyone feeling miffed.

@DaisyCakes:  If you have known this family for so long and you feel that comfortable asking her mother, I say go for it.  You don’t have to come right out and say, “I can’t afford all this!” but rather something more along the lines of, “I’m having trouble managing this party, but I want the bride to be happy!”  I think things will work out, best of luck to you!

Post # 15
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@shortnsunny:   It appears that the shower-throwing came about from her being Maid/Matron of Honor.  It’s probably one of those ill-timed events (since she said she is closing on her own house and I’m sure short on spare cash for parties).  The only way to truly have avoided this that I see would have been to turn down being Maid/Matron of Honor for a very close friend.

 

Thank you for pointing that out.  I guess I just don’t get how the Maid/Matron of Honor MUST throw a shower. As far as I am concerned it isn’t a requirement.  At some point the OP must have agreed or volunteered to host.  If she wasn’t able to, then she should have said that it wouldn’t be possible, that she couldn’t afford it, or whatever. Hosting isn’t something that someone can force onto another.

 

Post # 16
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We split up the duties and costs amongst all BM’s I know that is not the norm but we are all tight on money now so this helps to spread it out some. And I would approach them and ask if anyone could help out with XYZ. That’s kind of what I did and thank goodness all the other BM’s were cool with it! It worked out great. We have a little word doc with all the tasks need to be completed and who si doing what. Some have more money than others so we helped each other.

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