(Closed) Who pays for the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 1
Member
18 posts
Newbee

My long term boyfriend and I have looked at rings and I will receive it between December and January.

He is looking to spend around $8,000 on the ring.

 

Because of the cost of the ring, according to him, he will only be helping with costs of the wedding. He says the wedding is all about me so that means it’s totally in my hands but he’d help. I feel weird about this.

I don’t have the money to spend on a wedding, I am willing to put down $5,000 on it. My parents can’t help us. I know when his sister got married she got $10,000 from his parents and I think both her and her fiance paid for the rest. I know their wedding was certainly all about her, maybe that’s why he thinks he has nothing to do with ours?

I’m getting upset because I think we should split the bill evenly down the middle. 50/50 in a perfect split would be fine by me. But he says he’s spending all this money on a ring so why does he have to pay for the ring and half the wedding.

 

I’ve waited 11 years to be engaged, I would love a beautiful ring from him, one of the ones we looked at. I almost want to tell him ok fine we’ll go cheaper on the ring. But then I’ll just be more upset, I’d rather have a nice ring forever (nether of us want to upgrade) than throw all kinds of money into just 1 day. But I think I’d be depressed if I couldn’t have a nice wedding… even a semi nice one. (flip flop, back and forth)

 

Do I sit down with him now and tell him look, we are going to have to do this 50/50 for the wedding, so we will have to go with a more minimal ring, or do I just let things be? Because what if our parents help us, we’d be able to have close to the wedding I would love. I think I might be ahead of myself, he doesn’t want to get into it until we’re engaged, I assume because he’s tied up into finalizing the ring (we looked but I gave him an idea so I don’t know the exact one I’m getting.)

 

I don’t like talking money about the wedding. I have no problem talking about money any other time but the wedding seems like something that should fall into place as to who is paying for what. I won’t be afraid to be more aggressive once I get the ring though…

 

In a nutshell, I want a ring like what we planned on, I would be upset if he chose to go for less to be able to put more into the wedding.

Tagged: ,

Post # 3
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Once you’re married, even if you maintain separate checking accounts, you have to consider all your money to be both of yours. I think you should have a serious talk about finances in general. I know you say you don’t like talking money about the wedding, but it is hugely important. It sounds like you think you’ll scare him off of the ring or proposing if you are too aggressive before the ring is on your finger, and that’s just ridiculous. He should want to marry you and you should both want to be on the same page about this now. It will be worse if he gets the ring and then you can’t agree. Don’t be so desperate for a ring on your finger that you ignore bigger issues because that can lead to heartbreak later. In my case, my Fiance and I are jointly paying for the wedding since we are BOTH participating in the marriage. If you can’t afford the fancy ring and the fancy wedding, you need to decide which is more important to you. And honestly, there are a LOT of extremely gorgeous rings for a lot less that would be just as impressive.

Post # 4
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Love85: You are adults. You pay for the wedding yourselves unless parents offer help. Just because his parents dropped that much on his sisters wedding doesn’t mean they will do it for his. So if you want an $8k ring, then you are going to have to have a long engagement to save up for the wedding you want, or plan with what you have. Don’t expect or assume anyone is going to pay for your wedding nowadays. You can have a beautiful wedding for $5k. You just have to be creative and DIY a lot of things.
If you want the whole big white wedding machine wedding with 400 of your friends, then you have to compromise. How important is an $8k ring vs the wedding you want when you want it?

Post # 5
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

To be fair, you should include the cost of both of your rings as part of the total cost of the wedding, and then split it 50/50.  So if he has $8 and you have $5, then that’s $1300 to spend on a wedding plus rings.

Another thing some people have done is to get a smaller diamond ring but then “upgrade” to something larger on their one-year or five-year anniversary.  Or just get the engagement ring right now and buy a “fill in” wedding band for the ceremony and wait a couple years before you buy the wedding band you really wanted.

Post # 6
Member
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Our situation is different. We aren’t married yet but what’s his is mine and what’s mine is his. It has been like that for years. Neither of us are putting a set amount into our wedding because its both of our money. We paid for the ring out of one of our joint accounts because I didn’t feel it was fair to put all the burden on him for something that I am going to wear for the rest of my life. When its all said and done Fiance and I will be paying for about half of our wedding while the other half will be paid for by my parents. His parents will be picking up a few things here and there (flowers, rehearsal dinner, etc…).

I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear but $8,000 is alot to spend on an engagement ring. I would never fathom spending that kind of money on a piece of jewelry but maybe thats just me. You can get a gorgeous ring for considerably less and still have money left over to put towards your wedding. 

It seems like you should have a serious talk to your SO about finances because it sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page. It would be better to do that now before the pressures of an engagement/wedding kick in. 

Post # 7
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I guess I don’t understand why you would be keeping track of money separatley at the point where you are engaged. My Fiance and I aren’t paying for our wedding, but we are paying for our honeymoon. We have decided on someting WE can afford. It’s not keeping track of who put in X amount and who put in Y amount.

If you and your boyfriend don’t plan on sharing money after you get engaged and/or married it’s a different situation. I would definitley have a talk about finances in general.

I too agree that you should take the rings into consideration with the budget. Where you would have about $13K to spend on the wedding and rings.

Post # 8
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why dont you post a picture of the ring you have in mind.. i’m sure other bees maybe able to show you similar rings for half that price

Post # 9
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

me and my fiance bought my perfect engagement ring it was originally 4000 and we found it for less for 1000. i just lost my job yesterday and my fiance works full time and goes to school full time. we are paying for the wedding our selves on a 5000 dollar budget, as we dont want to go into debt or ask our parents for help as we are adults and the first of our siblinds to be marriedill be 24 when i get married this summer!!!

Post # 10
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - Catalina Country Club, Catalina Island, California

I’m shocked that your Fiance would want to spend so much on a ring but not offer to contribute to the wedding. It is BOTH of yours. It seems a little weird that he would make it a point to say that it is only for you. Maybe there is something about the type of wedding you two are imagining. Does he really want a small, simple wedding and this is his way of telling you? I totally agree with @jenbrandner. You should factor in the cost of the rings as part of the wedding expenses–they do this on most budget spreadsheets. 8K is way more than average, almost double. If it was me I would go with a $4K ring and an $8K wedding. 

Post # 11
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I’m actually really surprised he wants to spend so much on the ring. I think maybe because we have been together for so long (11 years). But also his sister has a $12,000 ring and I think maybe he looks at her marriage as like the poster marriage. She also never wanted to get married or move out or anything… same as him, up until we went to weddings together this year.

Oh and the “it’s all about you” has GOT to be because of his sister (her wedding was a few months ago) She’s very “me me me me me” so I think he thinks that’s how they are. It’s all he knows. I’m more observant than that of course, and know better.
 

He and I have looked high and low at rings. I believe the bulk of the cost is in the diamond (1ct) It seems like it’s $6,000 for the one he’d choose, so I imagine the band would be around $2,000. He is not someone to toss money around… at all… not a showy person… so I don’t think it’s anything like that (as I’m surprised)

 

If we could have a wedding with at least 100 people, catered, dj (or any music) at a decent place I’d be happy. I plan to do DIY stuff and just keep things simple… I know I just want it to be a decent place with that many people, I’d love a ring I could at least enjoy the rest of my life and spend less on the one single day.

Thanks for helping me figure out what I should do.

Post # 12
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Since his parents paid for his sister’s wedding, he probably assumes that is what your parents would do for you.  Traditionally speaking, the bride’s family usually pays for the wedding.  My parents are paying for our entire wedding except a few additional expenses we offered to cover that I feel are above and beyond what I’m confortable with my parents paying for (but they are paying the VAST majority venue, catering, dj, photography, flowers, etc).  It never even crossed my FI’s mind that his family would have to contribute to anything except the rehearsal dinner.  The only things my Fiance and I are paying for are our rings (he mine, and I his) and our honeymoon, which we have defined a budget together that we are comforatble with. It sounds like your Fiance is in the same position mine is in, but your family is not.

You need to let your Fiance know that your family isn’t in a position to pay for the wedding and that if he has any ideas about what kind of wedding he expects to have, then he will have to understand that you both will have to contribute to make it happen.

Post # 13
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Fiance and I set up a joint account to save for our wedding and we are saving for a $12,000 dollar budget and even that feels like it is going to be tight! (things just add up!) I think before you can begin making a budget, you need to talk to him about what you are feeling regarding the wedding cost. Any money issues can cause a lot of problems in a marriage so address them first.

The ring budget is far from what I could imagine spending on a ring. I know everyone has different taste, but I would shop around a bit. $6000 seems like a lot for a one carat loose diamond, even with great specs. If you could cut down the ring cost at all, you both would have a decent contribution to the wedding costs.

Good luck! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

No matter who traditionally pays for the wedding, parents or not, if you are, its both of your monies. Once you are married its his and yours money, so what difference does it make whose account it comes out of. If it does matter to him, speak to him about it. It should matter to him as much if it comes from your account as it does from his. You share finances, as well as debt once you are married.

Post # 15
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Love85:  First off, you don’t even need a “minimal” ring.  NotFroofy and I got engaged without rings, and now wear only our plain gold wedding bands.

However, your post has a couple of red flags.  First, his seeing the wedding as “all about you” is absurd.  If he wants to get married, then he should be involved in planning and financing the wedding.

Second, as others have pointed out, you seem to be so focused on the immediate expense of the wedding that you are not considering your long-term finances.  After the wedding, do you plan to put all your money in joint accounts?  In that case, it hardly matters who pays for what now.  Or do you plan to maintain separate accounts?  If so, have you talked about how you will divide joint expenses?  Or if one of you stays home or works only part-time due to children, how will that work?  If you have children, will he consider them, too, as just yours?

I’d say discussions of finances generally are long overdue.

Post # 16
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

$8? You may want to factor in the insurance on that big baby for the rest of your life too….

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