(Closed) Who pays for your wedding??

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Steph18:  Think about that though. If a bride’s father offers 10k for the wedding they would start booking and making plans based on that 10k. After deposits are made if a parent comes back and says “oh well I’m only going to give you 7k” that can cause a lot of financial stress. I think in those situations it would be a matter of knowing the background too. If a parent offers to pay (even for the whole thing) that’s one issue. If they are expected to by the children then that’s another. I don’t think the majority of brides who have that problem feel entitled to their parents’ money. There are some to be sure, but not all are like that. 

My mom originally offered more than she could afford. I know from experience how she is with money though so I just played along and made my own plans until she was ready to tell me what was going on. Not every bride has the luxury of knowing the financial status of their parents. Sometimes people make big promises in all of the excitement and just can’t keep them.

Post # 19
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

My parents are, though I am sure fiance’s parents will pay for the “typical” things the groom’s side is “supposed” to pay for. I am so excited about our wedding, but having my parents paying for it definitely takes control away from us and it being our wedding vs. my parents party they are throwing for us. But, I know it will be beautiful.  We found and paid for the Justice of the Peace up front, so my crazy mother will not be able to have any say in the ceremony! 😛

Post # 20
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I see both sides. On one hand, it does slightly irk me to see brides complaining that their family has opinions about the wedding when they are paying for it (sorry, just being honest). Sometimes it just comes across as bratty (not always, but when the parents are footing the entire bill, and the bride is complaining about something small that they want that won’t affect the day very much, but will make the parents happy, it seems ungrateful). On the other hand, I do think that it should be a gift without conditions. That said, I think it would be fair if the parents said, up front “We will pay $XX towards the wedding, on the condition that you do XYZ”, and then the bride/groom could choose to accept those conditions, or fund it themselves. 

Post # 21
Member
2560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@les105:  It’s not always clear. My mom might say, “this is a gift,” then give me grief about a choice I made. Many brides go into it knowing one thing (the budget, let’s say, which later is reduced after commitments and deposits are made) and things can change, and its’ complicated when it’s family. I honestly think if I denied my parents’ contribution towards the wedding based on the fact that “I don’t want to have to listen to what you want,” they would be horribly offended.

Post # 22
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@love108:  I know that parents don’t often do this. I was just saying I would agree with the OP if that’s how it was approached. Otherwise, I think it’s kind of a gray area, where sometimes the bride is being ungrateful & sometimes the parents are being ridiculous!

Post # 23
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We are paying for our own wedding and never wanted nor expected our families to pay for our wedding but my future inlaws have told my Fiance that they are sending us on our honeymoon. They have also recently spoke to both of us and told that they are get paying for the rehersal dinner.

Post # 24
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My parents are paying, and they’re letting us pick everything. I expected them to pay for it because… I don’t know, I thought it was traditional for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding, and apparently they did too! 

That being said, we couldn’t have afforded to pay for the wedding we’re having. If my parents didn’t insist on paying, I’m sure FI’s would have. If they didn’t, we probably wouldn’t have a wedding at all.

FWIW, we were 22 when we got engaged, so I think our parents definitely saw/see us as children still, and are therefore, more willing to pay for things.

 

ETA – To address the OP, neither of us asked for anything. And my mom told me how much my dress could be, and I picked it, even though she didn’t like it at first. I don’t know, not all parents who hold the purse strings are dictators!

Post # 25
Member
2560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@les105:  Yeah, sometimes that’s just hard to tell via posts on WB, though! That stuff gets so complicated 🙁 Like I know my parents would be offended if I refused their gift, but at hte same time, if they demand that this is going to be a 300 + person affair (I’d prefer 100 TOPS) then I would, yes, be the “bratty” bee 😉

Post # 26
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@love108:  lol yeah, it is hard to tell. I agree! I also think my opinion is colored by the fact that we had to be really careful with money to be able to afford our wedding, so maybe it’s a little bit of jealousy making me feel that another bride is being bratty. I also feel slightly indebted to my parents because of all they’ve done for me (I was a single mom & never would have made it without them), so that makes it hard for me to see where people are coming from when they won’t just let mom invite 4 extra friends (I’ve actually seen brides complain about 4 guests, which seems ridiculous to me when they’re not even paying for them. It’s not like that’s going to change an event from intimate to over the top!). Oh well.

Post # 27
Member
2560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@les105:  Yeah, I think it’s more… “where do we draw the line then?” If we say yes to THESE 4, she’ll be wanting another 4 tomorrow… lol. I understand. Sometimes I feel guilty for the opportunities I’ve had and the experiences I’ve had, that my parents took care of financially. I never had to worry about it. I mean, I’m so grateful to them, I try to show them that every day by being the best person I can be– the way they raised me. A lot of what they did they did for me because they saw it as a responsibility– their parents did it for them, and it got them off on the right foot. So I’m not complaining for what I’ve been given, but it’s hard sometimes. I don’t want people to think I’m entitled or I think I have it bad, when so many people are in situations beyond their control. I’d like to think I help where I can, do take advantage of what I’ve been given, but also remembering that I am truly lucky/blessed to have the parents that I have…. So whether you pay for the wedding yourself or your parents help, I think either way, brides have to make choices, and whether it’s parents, your fiance, your fiance’s parents, regardless who pays, it’s an emotional affair, and money just complicates it. Unless a bride demands money from her parents for a lavish party she knows her parents could not afford and would never have offered, I don’t think it’s “bratty” to know what you want, and to have parents that refuse your denial of their financial help 🙂

Post # 28
Member
974 posts
Busy bee

I can see your point as it relates to some brides perhaps taking what they are given for granted. It irks me when I see such posts, too. My parents are paying for my wedding and giving me the wedding of my dreams. When I push back to save on costs, I get a lecture from my father telling me “not to worry about money” and to “sit back and enjoy the ride.” I would never take their generosity for granted and as I am not right out of college and have an established career, I pick up what they will let me (I paid for my dress, the invitations, etc.) I think that every situation is different! Don’t let the few taint your opinion about the majority of us who are very thankful for what is freely given to us!

Post # 30
Member
2560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Steph18:  Then you are very lucky. It is hard to have a wedding fund and pay for college, too. You have clearly worked hard, and are spending it on smething very important to you! What an accomplishment!
ETA: Your post is very judgemental. If my parents didn’t help me pay, then I would be eloping, but it’s traditional for them to do the whole reception/ceremony thing we call a wedding. It’s a gift from them, and your comments sound like you are jealous that we have the opportunity. Hell, I would be jealous to have that kind of savings at 20. At 20 I was in college, on student loans.

Post # 31
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Steph18:  Honestly, this kind of post kinda irks me. I find it to be rather judgemental that you assume that those who don’t pay for their entire wedding themselves somehow force their families to pay. Wrong. My family gave me the wedding money as a gift and would have given me the cash if I would have  chosen to elope. I chose to have a wedding. I didn’t ask them for anything, they gave it to me. I don’t think I have done anything to be “bratty” about it, I’m constantly telling them how much I appriciate their help. 

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