(Closed) who pays has the last say over everything???

posted 7 years ago in Money
  • poll: do his parents have all the say in the wedding?
    yes-they're the ones paying for it : (19 votes)
    19 %
    no-it's not their wedding : (25 votes)
    25 %
    both you and FI, plus his parents get to decide together : (54 votes)
    53 %
    other-explain : (4 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    849 posts
    Busy bee

    They should be considerate enough to take your input, but you can’t expect them to pay for something they’re against. you need to all agree.

    Post # 5
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    If you aren’t footing the bill yourselves, you don’t get the final say. It may be your wedding, but it isn’t your money.

    Post # 6
    899 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @pandaboo: It’s your wedding. They don’t get to use paying as an excuse to turn the wedding into being what they want. That’s manipulative and controlling.

    Post # 7
    1991 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @pandaboo: THIS is exactly why I refused money from my parents when it came to my wedding. My husband and I paid for the wedding entirely ourselves because my mother became EXTREMELY insistent about having things her way because she offered to pay money for something.

    I saw the first issues when she refused to look at any other venues to have our ceremony besides a church (she’s not extremely spiritual, but just thought people would have a problem with the wedding not being in a church). The minute I saw that, I knew that we would have to refuse any offers of paying for anything for the wedding.

    By The Way, our wedding was at a historical mansion.

    Post # 8
    658 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I think it’s nice for them to offer, but there has to be compromise. It’s not their wedding, so I don’t think they should have the final say. If they aren’t willing to listen to your input, I’d respectfully decline the offer.

    I don’t like it when people act like they’re so “giving,” when in reality there are a bunch of strings attached to the offer. They got to plan their wedding, they should let you plan yours. I agree with @reine_de_rien:, it’s manipulative and controlling.

    Post # 9
    3978 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    It depends on the personality of the person with the money. Etiquette would definitely say that it should be a mutual agreement, but if it really comes down to them saying “THIS or I won’t pay” then there’s not much you can do except accept it or pay yourself.

    If I were you I would do my very best to maintain a great relationship with them while still expressing a well thought out opinion. Maybe they like the more expensive place because of the way it’s viewed in their circle. Maybe they went to a wedding there that was amazing. I think you should find out the reasons they have  for liking the  venue they do, and then give concise and respectful opinion. If you visit other places with them, be sure to ask everyone’s opinion and the reasons behind it.

    And be careful with your mom. I know if I was in a similar situation my mom would feel the need to stand up for my opinion and it might not always be conducive to getting what I want. 🙂

    Post # 11
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Ember78: I know a lot of people think this, but I very much disagree.

    It’s your WEDDING. It’s not really generous or giving if they’re basing their “gift” on you doing things the way they want. You will never get another wedding day, and if you let others choose things for you there is a 99% chance you will regret it. Many Bees post about this, wishing they hadn’t given in to their parents and in-laws and everyone else. If they are being this particular about the location, I’m sure they’ll continue to pressure you to do things their way in every other area as well.

    I know not all parents are like that though. Both FI’s parents and mine are contributing to the wedding and aren’t saying a word about what they want (even when we ask), so I’m not saying all parents or anyone who gives money is going to be like this. But it’s common. If you don’t want them planning your wedding for you, you may have to politely decline their gift and tell them you really want this other venue, and you are willing to pay for it yourself if necessary. And if you need the money, then yes, you may have to give in to your Future In-Laws to keep the family peace.

    ETA: I see you say you need their help to have a wedding. I guess for me I’d say either have a wedding in your personal budget, no matter how low that is, or wait until you afford the wedding you want unless you are willing to allow your Future In-Laws to make the decisions. Fiance and I are both in school. Our wedding budget is tiny and we’re making it work. It might mean cutting down the guest list, finding a really cheap caterer (pizza, subs, etc), no pro photographer, musicians, DJs, or getting a dress from a consignment shop. But I think those are all great budget options and you will find many Bees have had weddings for under $5000, even under $3000.

    Post # 12
    7403 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @Ember78:If you aren’t footing the bill yourselves, you don’t get the final say. It may be your wedding, but it isn’t your money.

    Gotta agree with this. Money sometimes comes with too many conditions. You wouldn’t be seeing this side of them if your werent’ using their resources. You should respectfully make your case, but they are adamant then you have to walk away from their “offer”. I agree with that its controling, so you only option (if reasoning with them doesn’t work) is to take back the reigns and finance it yourself.

    Post # 16
    7403 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @pandaboo: You can always have a reception later. I know its not an ideal situation. I’m with you, I wouldn’t compromise my vision due to anyone’s economic extortion either. Nomatter how old you care, sometimes you have to clash and disappoint family all in the name of the standing up for yourself. Its simply unavoidable in some circumstances. As long as you keep it respectful you aren’t in control of how they choose react to your decision. I really hope that once you speak with them they will be rational about this. Keep us updated.

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