(Closed) Who shared a funny birth plan?

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

That may have been me! I definitely did share my birth plan, and it was intended to be funny. Here it is:

The [our name] Birth Plan

Hi! My name is [removed]and my husband is [removed]. [DH] works here at [hospital] – he’s the [his job]. Maybe you’ve seen him around the cafeteria! He tells me he eats salad a lot … is that true? Would he lie about that?! Would you tell me if he did? Whose side are you on, anyway?

Today, we’ll be working (I’ll be doing most of the work) on giving birth to a little girl named Audrey. And since I’m at least 80% insane, I will be doing my damndest to achieve a natural birth.

Attendants: My husband [removed], my mother [removed], and my doula [removed] will be helping me out with this, assuming they don’t piss me off and get kicked out of the room (they might).

Labor Preferences: Because I am trying to labor naturally, I am going to be a bit of a pain in the arse. I apologize in advance for this. To facilitate my natural labor, I request that:

  • I do not receive continuous fetal monitoring unless it is deemed medically necessary. I know it’s just Velcro but it’s still going to make me rage out. Intermittent = better.
  • I do not receive IV fluids unless it is deemed medically necessary. I will be drinking water when I am thirsty, because I get thirsty a lot and you won’t like me when I’m thirsty.
  • I be allowed to move around freely, laboring on a birth ball, squat bar, shower, tub, hanging out the window by my feet, and doing the splits vertically on a wall for no reason.
  • I would like to wear my own gown for as long as possible, until it either becomes horribly soiled (which it will) or I need to be in a hospital gown for some unforeseen reason.
  • Pain management: We will be doing everything in our power to avoid any drugs. Even if I scream “GIVE ME AN EPIDURAL OR I WILL CUT OFF YOUR FACE,” do not give me an epidural. The safe word is “Baloney.” If I say “baloney,” call the anesthesiologist. Otherwise, just slap me hard and tell me to pipe down. I’m serious about the slapping.
  • No Pitocin unless we all agree that it is necessary. Even if labor is taking forrrrrr-everrrrr, as long as both the baby and I are doing well, we will keep on trucking the old-fashioned way.
  • If we could dim the lights and not be all shouty and stressed out, that’d be cool too.

Birth Preferences:

  • When it comes time to push, I would like to push instinctively. If it works for pooping, I figure it’ll work for baby-pooping too.
  • I do not want to lie on my back to push. I might be squatting, kneeling or sitting upright, depending how I feel, but please do not force me onto my back (that’s what she said!)
  • I would like to view the birth in a mirror, if I’m in a position to allow me to do that
  • I would like to touch my baby’s head as it crowns, reducing my likelihood of tearing my bits like a plastic grocery bag
  • Speaking of tearing my bits, no episiotomy unless it is an EMERGENCY. Oh god, my poor bits

 

 

Once the baby comes out:

  • Skin-to-skin contact immediately. Weighing/cleaning can wait until after the first hour. I wanna snuggle that slimy disgusting wriggling creature the second she clears the gates
  • I will attempt to breastfeed immediately, since there’s no time like right away to start feeling inadequate as a parent
  • Do not clamp the cord until it stops pulsing. We are a family of vampires and need blood.
  • No Pitocin after delivery unless I am actually hemorrhaging.
  • Newborn procedures all done in the room – if you take the baby out of the room I’ll scream “kidnappers!” and try to chase you and it’ll just be bad all around because I probably shouldn’t be running moments after giving birth.
  • Throw my placenta straight in the $*@%ing garbage. I don’t even want to see it. Ew.

Uh oh! C-Section Time!

  • My husband will be with me during the operation.
  • I don’t want to see anything. I’ll probably throw up and pass out like a billion times, so don’t let me see what’s happening and don’t even tell me what’s happening. That will just make me throw up and pass out more. I’m serious – I got an abscess lanced one time with local anesthesia and I threw up and passed out. I don’t handle surgery well.
  • Also, if general anesthesia is needed for some reason, please note my tendency to throw up at the drop of a hat. I would prefer not to aspirate and die.
  • Double-layer closure on the ol’ uterus, if you please. I want that sucker strong and durable.
  • My husband will go with the baby to do whatever it is babies do after being C-sectioned, and he will hold her right away while I continue to throw up/pass out in the O.R.
  • I would like to attempt to breastfeed as soon as possible, like an optimist/moron

Oops! It turns out it’s a boy after all! Who knew?!!?

  • Circumcise that little bugger and help me come up with some new names because crap.

Thanks for helping us achieve our super optimum birth experience! I bet everything is going perfectly according to plan even as you read this, because of course it is – it’s childbirth! The most predictable thing on earth!

 

Post # 3
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stanley House Inn

That was amazing. I absolutely loved it and I’m cracking up. Seems we might have a similar sense of humor, and I might just have to snag this for my plan. Thanks for posting!

How well was it followed?

Post # 4
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Love it!  That just perked up my morning ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 5
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

 

View original reply
iarebridezilla:  

hahaha that is awesome. I don’t have a birth plan yet and that made me feel heaps better about making one! 

Post # 6
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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fyrefly816:  Things kind of fell apart, but mostly due to me not caring about things I thought I would care about (like, I ended up wearing the hospital gown after all) and things going wrong (baby was sunny side up and got stuck, resulting in episiotomy and vacuum assisted birth). BUT — I did make it through without pain medication, and because of the birth plan, I avoided the after-birth pitocin injection that is standard at that hospital. So even though things didn’t quite follow the plan, I’m very happy I made it. It was totally worth it!

Also, the nurses LOVED it. They were passing it around and one asked if she could keep a copy afterwards. It made me really happy to know that they were paying that much attention to me and what I wanted!

Post # 7
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
Black_bird:  I believe that was Iarebridezilla’s birth plan. I read it too. It was hilarious.

Post # 8
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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iarebridezilla:  Lol just replied as I knew it was yours. Love it too. Definitely a great way to get across wants and keep the mood light.

Post # 9
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Hilarious! Thank you for sharing, it gave me a good laugh and will be useful when I’ll need to compose my own.

Post # 10
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
iarebridezilla:  I might just use your birth plan! Haha. Awesome.

Post # 11
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
MrsWoods47:  no problem — for a mere $10 fee you can use it if you want ๐Ÿ˜‰

(just kidding — glad I was able to help!)

Post # 14
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

View original reply
iarebridezilla:  OMG soooo good!

As a labor nurse, I hate/love birthplans. Yours is the best I’ve ever read for soooo many reasons. Bravo!!!

Post # 15
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
Black_bird:  glad I happened to be on the Bee at the exact right moment to see your post! The stars were aligned ๐Ÿ™‚

View original reply
amandajane4949:  thanks! I knew I couldn’t possibly just check boxes on a form and have that be all the nurses saw. Nobody would read it! Hell, I would get bored reading my OWN birth plan in that case.

The original also included this fabulous drawing that I spent at least ten hours perfecting (as you can tell): 

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