Who should come first in Marriage? the wife or the husband's family?

posted 10 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
936 posts
Busy bee

Wait. You married the guy that didn’t meet your walk date (after 7! years together and telling you to plan your wedding)? Bee…this guy is who he is. Reading your previous thread, he’s never attempted to hide the fact that you don’t come first. I’d normally suggest counseling, but Bee…I think you’re expecting him to be someone he’s clearly not. I don’t know what happened that made you decide to get back together with him, but take a good look at who he truly is before you make your next step. 

Post # 17
613 posts
Busy bee

 I think it would be really problematic to have a single answer to that question. Mom has a breast cancer treatment and wife wants a nice dinner out? Go with Mom. Mom wants to get coffee and Wife has the flu? Go with Wife. There is no single always answer, just as their is no single always answer to whether your children or your spouse comes first.

You don’t give up your family when you get married. You wouldn’t want to be married to somebody who would just toss their family under a bus. But you do ADD to your family, which means balancng more peoples’ concerns and cares. 

You haven’t really given people much information here. What is this vacation? Is it just woohooo fun? Is it an important sentimental event? Is it a once in a lifetime opportunity? Is his dad having a challenging time? What are the relevant features?

Neither of you sound like you are communicating very well or listening to each others’ needs. He should hear what you are saying about what it is importnat for him to be there (Why IS it important that he not go on the vacation? You didn’t actually give any reasons, short of not liking that he is doign something with his family.) But you should also listen to what he values and make space for that. 

My partner and I have traveled with his parents for awhile this year and visited mine for quite awhile. We are likely to do it again this next year. That isn’t either of us’ preferred best option (I don’t super love traveling with his parents, he doesn’t super love hanging out with mine) but we do it because our parents are older and for each of us, spending the time we have with them while they are still healthy is important. So we each acccomodate the others’ desire and value because part of marriage IS respecting that the other person has other relationships that matter to them. 

Do you respect the ways he values family? Does he respect the ways you do?

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