Who should get a thank you card?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Good questions! I’d like to know too. I’m also curious if you give a thank you card to those that just send a card (with no money in it).

Post # 3
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee

Etiquette dictates that guests who give gifts need thank you cards. The reception is the thank you for all of your guests who attended the wedding ceremony.  Sending a “thank you for coming” card to someone who did not give a gift can come off as fishing for a gift. 

 

As for your wedding party, traditionally you give a small gift of appreciation for standing up with you along with a heartfelt letter of thanks. These are handed out during the wedding weekend – either at the rehearsal dinner or bridal luncheon.  This is separate than a thank you card for any gifts your wedding party gave at your shower or as a wedding present.

Post # 4
Member
726 posts
Busy bee

We wrote a thank you card for every person who attended our wedding, gift or no gift.

I’ve just always felt strongly that I’m in no place to judge the reasons why someone didn’t bring a gift, and we were genuinely grateful that each person came so we just wrote one for everyone. 

Something along the lines of “Thank you so very much for coming to celebrate with us, it meant the world to us that you were there.”

Post # 5
Member
2628 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

We sent them to everyone who gave a gift and to one of our wedding party members who didn’t.  We did give him a thank you already for being in our wedding, but I didn’t want him to see our post wedding thank you’s at mutual friend’s houses and feel bad.  He spend money to be in our wedding, and we know that was a cost for him- he doesn’t make a ton of money.

Post # 6
Member
8966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

macpartyoftwo :  It’s not a matter of judging why someone didn’t give a gift. Not sure where this idea comes from. It’s a matter of pointing out the fact that they DIDN’T give a gift. You thank people for coming AT the reception, in person. Thank you cards are meant for letting people know you received their gift, and for thanking them for it especially if they weren’t there when you opened it so you weren’t able to thank them at that time. So when you have an event where people USUALLY give gifts, and you’ve already thanked someone for coming to the event, when you follow that up with a written “thank you”, it seems to be saying “thanks for nothing” or even worse, “Hey, remember our wedding? We fed you and entertained you and most people gave us a present… Yeah, you didn’t. You want to now?” It’s embarassing to the recipient. And I’m sure you’ll say “that’s not what we meant and that’s not how our loved ones took it!” but you’ll never know if that’s how your loved ones took it, and I’ve seen plenty of times IRL and on here where people say “so-and-so didn’t give us a gift, if I send them a “thanks for coming” note, do you think that will remind them to send it?”

Post # 7
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

We just sent them to everyone (only two couples didn’t give gifts). To the couples that didn’t give gifts, we wrote something along the lines of “thank you so much for coming and celebrating with us as we became husband and wife! Your support means the world to us and we were so happy to have you there.” We just felt weird sending thank you notes to everyone except them.

Also – I feel like I need to say – make sure to thank your guests who gave you gifts specifically for their gifts! We gave our good friends $200 for their wedding last year, and they only wrote us a “thanks for coming” message. We were really worried that they didn’t even get their gift, so I flat out asked her and she was like “of course we got it!” So be careful with your wording either way 🙂 (I know you probably know this already but I always figure it’s a good thing to remind people about!)

Post # 8
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

I just sent a thank you card to everyone who attended or who gave us a gift. I know the receptioin is considered a gift but I just think it was a nice gesture. 

Post # 9
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee

Daisy_Mae :  Yes to all of this!!! 

 

This is why bees go crazy on threads like the current one where the bride wants to pick two “less savory sounding” fish and chicken dishes in order to steer her guests to the cheap pasta entree- she’s lost focus that the reception is about her being a gracious and generous hostess to her guests.  Plan the reception you can afford but the entire point of the reception is to thank your guests for celebrating your wedding with you.  I absolutely detest “thank you for coming” cards and think the majority of guests receiving one would consider them fishing for a gift…..and I think many brides who send those cards ARE fishing for a gift. 

Post # 10
Member
12532 posts
Honey Beekeeper

mauvebride :  Thank you notes are for gifts, not attendance. Since that is the case the latter can be interpreted as fishing for gifts or a  passive aggressive attitude. Properly, you will have thanked the bridal party, by way of thank you gift, which can certainly include a heartfelt note, a luncheon etc.

Daisy_Mae :  + 1

Post # 11
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee

If someone spent money to attend your wedding absolutely write them a thank you card. 

“Hi Aunt Jane, thank you so much for flying in from Europe to attend our wedding. It meant a lot for us to have you be a part of our day. We really appreciate it.”

If aunt Jane reads that and thinks “how rude, mauvebride is fishing for a gift!” Then aunt Jane has issues. 

Same goes for people who helped out. Thank you cards do NOT just need to be for gifts. I think that’s ridiculous. I think they are required for gifts but you can write a thank you card for anything.

If a neighbor came over and helped us fix our lawnmower, i would probably stick a thank you card in his mail box. It’s just a nice thing to do. He shouldn’t be offended by me taking the time to write him a nice note.

Post # 12
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

mauvebride :  

For both of those I’d go with yes–as often helping with crafts/wedding duties and extensive travel are considered in lieu of gifts, so they should be recognized as if they were gifts IMO.

It is hard to judge what exactly is “extensive travel”, though.

Post # 13
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

dgirl715 :  I wouldn’t think a “thank you” would be some weird attempt at garnering a gift. That’s awfully cynical.

Post # 14
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee

jannigirl :  I’ve been on the bee long enough to have seen dozens of brides who are pissed that “x” number of guests didn’t get them gifts and asking how to send the passive-aggressive “thanks for coming” note to help remind said guests to send in their gifts…

Post # 15
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I sent everyone that attended a thank you card.

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