Post # 31
It sounds like you two should revisit your budget and how much you are putting into your joint account every month. If you are both able to cut back there, he will have for flexibility with his savings. Now, if your using every penny you put into your joint account then it might indeed be the case that the ring is out of budget.
Post # 32
My fiance and I are sharing the ring/wedding band expenses, since we’re both starting from scratch and are building up our savings too. I think initially my fiance felt some pressure to spend an extravagant amount of money on the ring, especially after finding out that my sister’s husband had spent $20,000 on her ring. But I told him that I didn’t want him spending that amount of money on something when it could be put toward a down payment on a house in the future, so we were able to find a very nice ring for $4K.
Post # 33
Fiance and I have completely meshed finances. Only exceptions are a consolidation loan (of both out loans) in his name, and a small credit card I’ve almost paid off in my name.
So we picked the ring together
But he wanted to buy it in his own time “as a surprise”
Of course there was no fucking surprise because that one day he was “working late” nek minnit $5k out of our account. Like come on dude I hahaha
Love him tho
Post # 34
I would personally prefer in my case to split the cost. The idea that the men always have to shell out for the ring but then they don’t even get a ring of their own out of the deal has always rubbed me the wrong way. However, my OH wanted to pay for it himself and do the grand suprise but we compromised and I had much more say in chosing the ring than he had initially assumed I would.
I think men often have the idea that women are expecting a much more expensive engagement ring than is really true. I feel that while yes, most women of course want a ring that is pretty and doesn’t look “cheap”, the days of judging how much someone loves you by how much he spends on the ring are gone. I think when couples are discussing engagements, they should include a ballpark ring budget. I know my OH assumed a budget of more than double what I felt was reasonable to spend on an engagement ring. Just my thoughts on the “I need to save up” idea, which I think is fair if your OH is still on the idea that he should be spending 5,000+ on a ring!
Post # 35
renobee : hi OP. I’m in a very similar situation to you. I have a much better job and salary than my OH. He earns very little even though he works hard. He also has a child he is paying maintenance for.
We live together and split all bills. I have savings, he doesn’t really.
We spoke about the ring and he was dead set for a diamond but I eventually got around him that I would prefer Moissanite for my own personal reasons. So we picked a ring and he is saving towards it. He wouldn’t entertain the idea of paying or saving for it from our joint account and insists it’s something he wants to pay for himself.
He has a fairly overbearing mother and his ex puts him down as a father. He’s a total softie and even though he is very modern in most of his views, this is something he really wants to do so I am being as patient as I can be and trying not to emasculate him when it comes to buying or paying for the ring.
Post # 36
What bothers me is that his desire to have a fairytale proposal and a fancier ring is trumping the fact that you are “painfully waiting.” Why should that be? I don’t fault him for wanting to propose the way he does or save for a ring, but he should also consider your perspective. It can’t just be his way or the highway. There’s nothing wrong with finding a compromise that you can both feel good about. The timing of a proposal and a wedding are not just his to determine, but should be a joint decision.
Post # 37
To answer your question simply put, I think the person who is planning to propose should pay for the ring.
Its perfectly ok to keep some traditions and not follow others. Your partner and you should do what is comfortable for both. If you want to use your funds to get extra things on your ring and your partner is ok with it then go for it!
Just dont let the “saving for the ring” be an excuse to never get engaged.
Post # 38
- Wedding: October 2020 - City, State
I’m probably not the person you should be talking to, I’m a jewelry fanatic with extremely specific taste, and my boyfriend knew this up front. I wanted a very specific ring from CvB designs and snapped it up when I got a bonus at work and could afford it. I stashed it away for “someday” and I’m happy I did! I’m a big believer that women should get and wear what makes them HAPPY (as long as you aren’t misallocating funds to do so).
All a long way of saying there are no rules when it comes to this stuff as long as you’re not waiting a decade for some insanely expensive ring.
Post # 39
Thank you everyone for your replies and really valued advice! I took a lot of it on board and had another discussion with SO where I explained what waiting was like from my point of view. I think the one proposing never truly appreciates how hard it is for us waiting. I also clearly explained how I didn’t need something expensive and elaborate. This is when he explained that something was happening very soon. He laughed because I had gotten impatient at the very last minute. When we properly discussed it, it seems my impatience is coming from the irrational worry that it would never really happen and my questioning his true feelings but for him it was only ever being stalled because he really wants us to get everything financially sorted so we can begin married life the best way possible. He also said it is really important to him to propose to me in the way he always dreamed he would. He asked me to please bear with him a little bit longer and indicated it would be an early April proposal. It still doesn’t agree with me that he would pay for the ring but he also indicated that it is already bought. I think to even it up so I can feel better, I will surprise him with an engagement gift.
Post # 40
renobee : this is what I did. I bought my SO an engagement ring to “exchange”!
Post # 41
Well good to hear he’s already bought the ring! My husband and I paid for our rings together because I wanted to spend a lot of money on my diamond. No regrets.