Post # 1
My plan had always been to include myself, my mom, grandmother, and bridal party at the salon for hair and makeup.
I just got nastily reamed out by my MoH (future sister in law) that I should have included my Mother-In-Law in these plans. Apparently every wedding she’s ever encountered has been this way. It never even remotely crossed my mind to do this. Not that I was actively avoiding it, but I assumed she would be getting ready with her own family (my FH has a lot of other female relatives). So I said okay, if she wants to join us, fine, I’ll add her to the list. Then I got the old “well it’s too late now, but I just thought you should know” (and it’s literally not too late, I’m fine with including her). She already booked her own salon MONTHS ago, before I even knew where *I* was doing my hair and makeup…
The more I’ve actively thought about it, the more I think it never occurred to me because I equate my fiance’s family seeing me the morning of the wedding equivalent to his seeing me, and I absolutely don’t want that at all. I dread to think she might let it slip what I and my dress look like (and I have very low confidence that she wouldn’t spill some beans). Not only that, but I have an exceptionally small family (and I mean that like you wouldn’t believe) and I want that morning to be us – in particular, with my own mom. I get along with my Mother-In-Law fine, but she’s literally not my mom, nor will she ever be.
And yet now I’m this selfish bridezilla who dared to exclude her Mother-In-Law for hair and makeup. I don’t even know what to think of all this drama. I’m so over it…. Thoughts?
Post # 2
Honestly, I think the invitation should have been extended to her. I could see where it could be hurtful to her to have not been included. I’d just make sure you try your best to let her know shes still welcomed. But I don’t think it’s a huge deal in the long haul, it depends on your relationship as well.
I extended the invite to my Mother-In-Law and she declined, I even re offered the day of and still she declined. I was actually kind of hurt/disappointed I didn’t get to spend any time with her. But again, I’m not losing sleep over it.
Post # 3
Personally, I extended the invite to my Future Mother-In-Law. She has no daughters though, so I’ve been trying my best to include her in a lot of the typical girl wedding type stuff. I don’t think she’ll be spending the time getting ready with us all morning though – just popping in to get her hair and makeup and then going back to hang out with Fiance and the rest of their family.
Post # 4
I think you should have invited her since you invited your own mom and grandmother (and your FI’s sister too), I included my Future Mother-In-Law because my mom was included. But it seems like she’s already made her own plans anyways.
Post # 5
Since you included your mother, you should have included your Mother-In-Law. If you had only had the bridesmaids then I would have thought it was fine.
Post # 6
Like PP, I included my Mother-In-Law alongside my mom.
Post # 7
I agree with PPs and say you should have included your Future Mother-In-Law. I understand wanting to just be with your mom that morning but this is just one of those things that you have to suck up for the good of your fiancé/the family.
At this point I would reach out to your Future Mother-In-Law and apologize for not inviting her. I would explain that you assumed she would want to get ready with her family that morning but that she is more than welcome to join you. It sounds like she will likely decline and you will get that morning to yourself like you wanted anyway. If her and your FSIL want to hold a grudge about it, oh well. There’s only so much you can do. Even though you don’t really want her there, you didn’t exclude her on purpose. Your intentions weren’t bad.
Post # 8
The last poster was correct – I didn’t exclude her on purpose. She even commented that she would be with her son that day, so I believed her. Now she’s feeling excluded? Sorry for not guessing what she actually meant…?
I have to say, many of you equated my mom and my Mother-In-Law. From my perspective, that is a little warped. I understand our familes are joining, but whoa. I’ve also never said a word to them about how disrespected my mom has been throughout this entire process (e.g., she brought a dish to my bridal shower and my SIL refused to put it out – I was told later she was ANGRY my mom brought something. What mom wouldn’t bring something to her daughter’s shower?!). It’s also a little different because my mom and grandma are my ONLY family. And I literally mean that – no men (divorced or dead), no siblings, no cousins, no aunts or uncles, no other grandparents. So I didn’t “invite” my mom and grandmother – there was no question they would be present.
I guess I was offended that they thought I had such ill will (they built up the situation in their own minds it seems). I also am a little surprised since I spoke with some people at work (both moms/MILs and brides) and not a single one of them saw the other side of the family until everyone met at the church or ceremony site. Seems to me that it’s pretty 50-50 and not as much of a given as some posters have made it out to be.
I’ll extend the invite so they don’t get in a knot, even though I’ll get another “well it’s too late now” response. #cantwin.
Post # 9
I also am a little surprised since I spoke with some people at work (both moms/MILs and brides) and not a single one of them saw the other side of the family until everyone met at the church or ceremony site. Seems to me that it’s pretty 50-50 and not as much of a given as some posters have made it out to be.
Fair enough – every wedding I’ve ever been apart of has had both mothers getting hair and makeup done together with the bride and bridal party, but I’m sure this is not always the case. I was giving advice based on my own experience. I truly have no idea if there is proper etiquette for this situation.
They do sound like the type of people who you can’t win with. Sorry, Bee. In laws can be a challenge.
Post # 10
If she scheduled her own hair BEFORE you scheduled your setup then she must have not been too worried about being invited. You were supposed to invite her to an event before it was planned? Imo she is not your mom and shoudn’t expect every invite that your mom gets.
If you aren’t opposed to inviting her, then invite her and say that you thought she had other plans- which is true- but she is of course welcome to join you. If they want to be petty about “its too late” when it is in fact not too late, then let them be petty but ignore their pettiness.
Post # 11
melissaa1000 : well.. tbh your reasoning doesn’t really make sense. You equate his family as ‘his side’.. but his sister is your MoH and will see you.. so.. you don’t?
I invited Mother-In-Law to have her makeup done with us, even though my mom had already declined. She declined too, after hearing my mum had declined (I think it helped there was no fomo.) It’s just.. a polite thing to do, if you’re going to invite your own mum and even your grandmother. It’s not like FH is going to have a hmua when he is getting ready…
Bridezilla? No.. but thoughtless and I can see why she may be a bit hurt you didn’t even offer.
Post # 12
Unlike everyone here I am not including my Future Mother-In-Law. And I don’t know anyone who has of my friends either! I’m including my bridesmaids, mom, and a female friend (she’s not a bridesmaid but is married to a groomsman and his since become a good friend and I had an extra spot).
I think it depends on your relationship with Future Mother-In-Law. My ex’s mom? I would have invited her in a heartbeat, she was a second mom to me. My fiance’s Mother? We have basically no relationship and it would not be fun to have her around.
Post # 13
It would not have occurred to me to include the Mother-In-Law with the getting-ready activities of the bride, as she is not a relative of the bride nor a bridesmaid. I can’t recall ever seeing a wedding where the groom’s mother was included in the activities of the bride’s wedding prep (hair, makeup, dressing, etc)
Post # 14
melissaa1000 : I am a second time bride and the first time around I did not invite my ex-MIL to the salon for hair and makeup. I can’t even remember why (it’s been almost 20 years). We ended up having a great relationship for the 15 years of my marriage and even have a decent relationship after the divorce (all our conversations are regarding my daughter). I don’t really think it’s a big deal.
However, all things family are best handled with a personal, one-on-one approach. Talk with her directly, tell her that you didn’t mean to exclude her and that you thought she would be spending the “get ready” part of the day with her son, not you. Invite her in person and let her know you would like her to be present if she wishes to be. Then, regardless of any thrashing about on their end, be at peace that you did the best you could and enjoy your day with your family.
Post # 15
In my wedding, I arranged hair and makeup for myself, my mother, Mother-In-Law, my sisters, BMs, and best woman. If my husband had a sister, I would have extended it to her as well.
However, it may differ depending on your social circle and culture, but in my circle, it was expected that all females of the immediate family would be included in getting ready.