(Closed) Who to invite?

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee

Wow I could have posted this myself, my situation is so similar. I am close to giving in to my grandparents’ wishes to have a huge wedding and invite all their extended family… They would pay for this too. However I have always wanted a small intimate wedding. I also do not want to invite my dads side as I am not close with him, but would feel obligated to if I have the bigger wedding…. Sorry I have no useful advice but following in the hopes someone else does! 

Post # 4
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If you are closer to some cousins then invite those you are closer to.

I sent invites to two of my dad’s cousins, but not their brother. They had always sent birthday/christmas cards and gifts, see me during holidays, etc so they were invited. They sent back a postive rsvp that included their brother’s new address, just in case I’d missed it, however we just left it not giving him an invite. Now P is a perfectly nice man but I hadn’t spoken to him in over 15 years, he didn’t send christmas cards or anything like that, I don’t know his children.
The rest of my dad’s cousins were also not invited, because I’d never met them or not seen them enough on a regular basis to form a relationship.

But then I think I was quite harsh. Invited both of my godmothers, but not my godfather, again because I hadn’t seen him in 15 years.

Post # 5
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I am exhausted by guest list dilemas and family politics! Fiance has a really big family.

Unfortunately what we came to the conclusion with family was that you either have to invite everyone or no one. If you pick and choose favourite family/cousins it would create drama, which we couldn’t handle the stress of, so just ended up inviting everyone. But we decided to exclude children (We know 30 babies under 3, which would be so noisy having them as 1/5 of the guest list in the ceremony!)

I admire anyone brave enough to just invite exactly who that want though!

 

Post # 7
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Destination wedding would solve a lot of these issues! 

Post # 8
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I can definitely relate, although Fiance is the one with the big family. For my side, I’m just inviting my dad’s side. I have never met most of my mom’s side, and if I have I was a toddler. My mom is totally cool with it since she isn’t close to them either. Unfortunately, both of her parents have already passed, so it will literally just be my dad’s side.

FI’s Family is notorious for wedding drama. The last person that had a wedding excluded people under 21, so none of the cousins could come. People got disowned, apparently. Fiance hates one of his cousins on his mom’s side with good reason, so we’re making up arbitrary reasons why we can’t invite them. Right now we’re saying only unmarried cousins on his mom’s side in order to keep costs down, which only excludes that cousin and his sister. We’re hoping it’ll work out drama-wise, but I bet it will still be an issue.

I know it’s not reassuring, but at the end of the day, it’s your wedding. If you’re paying, you have the ultimate say.

Post # 9
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
wellswed9 :  For our wedding we came to a similar conclusion – invite everyone in the family, or only immediate family members.

I wanted a small wedding, but my FI’s mom wants a big wedding… so we invited everyone after all our parents agreed to chip in for that extra cost. So our wedding guest list is now up to over 400 people (we both have huge extended families!).

View original reply
amandae123ace :  I feel for you! It’s a tough dilemma. But since you say you don’t want conflict and you want to avoid hurting people, the best way is to invite everyone or invite only immediate family members.

It’s very hard to cherry-pick relatives and avoid conflict. By cherry picking, you are telling other relatives that they are not as close/worthy/[insert negative adjective] to you and your Fiance. However, if you only invite immediate family, all the extended relatives are less likely to be hurt because they are all lumped together as “not immediate family”, which is a more understandable category to be in. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Set a budget (one you can finance yourselves). Find a venue; see what the charge per person will be (don’t forgrt to allow for flowers, bar, music, dress, photography, etc.) Divide the number of guests you can afford to invite in half. You invite your half; your future spouse invites the other half.

Post # 13
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - The Garrison, NY

I can sort of understand where you’re coming from because my family is similar.  We are very close with my dad’s side, my mom’s side doesn’t care much for my family unless they’re benefitting from it somehow.  So only my mom’s 1 cousin and her family is invited, and that’s where my line is drawn.

The way I think about it is, it’s my wedding.  I’m going to plan it in a way that makes me and Fiance happy, because it’s OUR day.  It’s not their day.  So don’t feel bad about what you feel is the right thing to do!

Post # 14
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
amandae123ace :  You’re welcome! I feel for you 🙂

If you are only inviting immediate family members, I think explaining to close relatives why they aren’t invited is helpful. It depends what your reason is though.

If we had gone with a wedding with only immediate family members, I would have explained to some close relatives that we can only afford a small wedding with our immediate family members (because that is the truth). If any of them said that I hurt their feelings, I would have told them that I would love to invite them as well as the rest of my relatives but I simply can’t afford it.

But if your reason to some of the close relatives is hey, we love you and want to invite you but inviting you means inviting this other relative I don’t like, so we’re not going to invite anyone…that might not go over so well. Just as an FYI. You know your close relatives and how they would react to that, I take it?

And yeah, my Fiance and I have hired a wedding planner, which has saved us countless hours of work. I have never planned a party for over 400 people, let alone a wedding, so he has saved our bacon 😀 I would highly recommend a good wedding planner if you want help planning a big wedding!

Post # 15
Member
2979 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I am not close to my dad. Like at all. I’m only inviting my half brother and his wife, and leaving out ~20 family members and their SOs from his side. He has lots of siblings, they all have kids (my cousins), but we are barely FB friends. So I’m not inviting them lol.

My FIs mom feels the same as you. We were going to invite one of FIs cousins and their kids (our age). But FIs mom insisted that we cant invite 1 cousin AND her kids without inviting the other cousins AND their kids. But a) we’re having a 19+ wedding, and their kids are underage, and b) we dont even know these other cousins. But she is very much of the heirarchy. Eventually we decided to just invite the cousins, but still not their kids lol.

Also, make sure you have your budget and guestlist first before looking at venues!

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