Who to support?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
ashleymarieforreal :  It’s definitely stange that your sister is using the “no kids” thing as her reason to not invite your neice, if my sister did that I would definitely dig for more info and see if there is something more to the story, but that’s just me and I’m really close with my sister so I’d have no problem asking a bunch of questions.

That being said, I don’t think you need to skip the wedding in order to be supportive of your other sibling and your niece, you can be supportive of their decision to not attend the wedding by not being upset with them over it. They are making their own choice, I would not miss my sisters wedding due to an issue she is having with my other sibling.

Post # 3
295 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, if your niece is only being excluded under the “no kids” rule, I think you probably know that’s BS.

“No kids” describes actual, legal children. Once they’re above 18 (21 in some peoples’ minds, but definitely 18 to me), their exclusion is based on other factors. Under your sister’s definition, no one would be attending their wedding. Everyone is someone’s child/was born of someone, so…? 

You said there was animosity in the past regarding these two siblings; was your niece involved in that, somehow? Is there a possibility her exclusion is a way for your sister to hurt her/your other sibling? Yeah, she definitely has the right not to invite her, but the explanation and the circumstances seem strange and shit-stirring.

Post # 4
105 posts
Blushing bee

That is incredibly strange! There are usually understandable reasons for not inviting children, like not wanting them in an environment loaded with alcohol, possible disruptions or tantrums, late night partying etc, none of which are really applicable to a 21 year old adult. Definitely a weird stance that the bride is taking and I’d be very offended too. However, I don’t think you need to insert yourself into this fight and start picking sides, especially if you’re not asked to. I think you should attend the wedding if you want to be there on your sister’s big day and not add fuel to the fire. Just in case though, you might want to still assure your other sister that you don’t think it’s right either but are going to stay out of their issues.

I hope it all works out for you, tough situation really. 

Post # 5
1195 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

21 is a legal adult.  That is a ridiculous excuse.  

Post # 6
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: USA

Hmm that is odd. She’s of legal drinking age- hardly a “child” by any definition. Could there maybe be something else going on between them that you don’t know about? 

Post # 7
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There has to be another reason, as the niece is not a child.

As to your part in all this, I think you need to think through the possible ramifications of going to the wedding or not going to the wedding. If you go, will you lose a relationship with the other sister and your niece? If you don’t go, you will almost certainly lose the relationship with the sister getting married. I don’t really think you can play this both ways if both of them feel strongly about it.

Post # 8
769 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
ashleymarieforreal : honeslty, thats pretty insulting. If i was the daughter (im 24 years old) and was told i wasnt invited bc ‘no kids’ wedding, id be prettyyyy bothered. 


It”s your decision in what you feel and how strongly you feel about it at this point. 

Post # 9
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
ashleymarieforreal : 

Your niece is old enough to drink, smoke, have sex, drive a car, file her own taxes, buy a plane ticket, join the military, get arrested and be legally tried as an adult, sign her own student loan debt, work fulltime, and be physically, emotionally, and financially independent; she could actually have a child of her own. She is *literally* in no way, shape, or form, a child.

Your bride to be sister is being completely unreasonable and based on your comment about the previous drama between the two sisters, I would stay out for fear that she would pull some shit on you. She seems like she may hold a grudge and/or not let things go, so I wouldn’t add more drama to the situation.

Post # 10
50 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
ashleymarieforreal :  Is she having an extremely limited guest list, like immediate family only? Then I could see her justify inviting her parents and siblings but not nieces/nephews (though if it’s literally ONE person in that category it would be bizarre to exclude them).

Post # 11
47412 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your niece is not a child, so, I think there is more to the story. Your sister either doesn’t want her specifically to attend, she doesn’t understand that 21 is an adult, not a child, or she thinks if she invites one niece she has to invite all the nieces and nephews (if there are any and they are real children).

In any case, it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to do to this niece.

As to your original question, I don’t think you need to support either sister. This is between them.

Post # 12
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
ashleymarieforreal :  there’s obviously more to the story that she is unwilling to share.  Just grasping here but could it be that your sister has concerns about niece’s behavior,  appearance or maybe even feels niece will outshine her in appearance??

If it were me barring a plausible  explanation other  than her “no kids” bs about a 21yr old, I would share with her my thoughts and that I’m considering not attending as well. .. 

Post # 13
14015 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If this is all there is to the story, your sister is in the wrong. She can’t properly claim “no kids” and make an exception for a flower girl and a ring bearer. That’s not how it works. Kids in the wedding party are first and foremost guests, not props.

Even if her rationale is to cut off the list at all children of siblings, it’s inevitably going to offend to make an exception for two children, whether related or not, on the sole grounds that they happen to be the right age to be in the wedding party. It is not mandatory to have a flower girl or a ring bearer. 

I would encourage her to rethink, but I would not stay home. That could be a relationship ending move. 

Post # 14
213 posts
Helper bee

In my family, no one in the brides family would attend if you cut off an extremely close family member like an adult niece.    But every family is different and so are family dynamics.    I am shocked your parents would attend knowing their grandchild is excluded.

Post # 15
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

If I were you, I would call the sister out on her asinine rule and find out what’s going on. If, as others have said, your niece has some questionable behaviors or they have a super strict budget, then that might make sense but using the “no kids” rule is ridiculous.

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