Who to support?

posted 5 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  I disagree. They are a close family, and in my opinion too many people ‘stay out of it’ when really the correct response is someone needs to step up and let someone know that what they are doing isn’t ok. Too often ‘staying out of it’ is seen as ‘agreeing with me because if they didn’t they would say something’. 

Post # 32
Member
426 posts
Helper bee

strawberrysakura :  I’m sure the bride has already gotten an earful from the other sister. I doubt she’s going to change her mind if both sisters start giving her grief about it. She made a decision, and people need to respect that decision, even if they don’t agree with it. Nobody has the right to badger the bride and groom about inviting certain people to their wedding. If she doesn’t want to invite her niece, she doesn’t have to. She probably has a good reason. (Maybe the niece is toxic and can’t be trusted not to start any drama?)

Post # 34
Member
12096 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

ashleymarieforreal :  How many nieces and nephews are there and what are their ages? Are the flower girl and ring bearer among them?

As I said earlier, it makes some sense that your sister would not make an exception for any of the children of her siblings, thereby treating nuclear families consistently. That may be what she meant when she said “no kids,” not that there was an age limit. Whether relatives like it or not, cutoffs can appropriately be done by age OR relationship. What is not nice at all IMO would be making an exception for some nieces and nephews in this situation, ie flower girl etc. and especially at the expense of an adult niece. 

In my view, it should either be no children of siblings or no actual children, no exceptions. 

Post # 35
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’d go to the wedding, but I would ask the bride why she considers the 21-year-old a child. And ask if she’s prepared to start a big rift in the family over this. And then back off.

Post # 37
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

ashleymarieforreal :  Just because it IS family, 2 sisters you are close to, is the very reason why you should stay out of it! These 2 women are capable of talking it through if they want to. They don’t need you to referee. 

If it was something very important, life-changing, perhaps you should get involved. But it is only an invitation to a wedding, and you may very well not be aware of some important factors. Wading in without all the facts won’t do any good. 

They might talk about it. If either of them brings up the subject with you, you should encourage them to talk. But other than that, you don’t have the tools to fix this. And taking one sister’s side against the other in “support” will not help either. Then one or the other will be mad at you, for sure.

Post # 41
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Okay yeah something is wrong if they’re inviting a friend’s 20-year old kid and not the niece.

Post # 42
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

Is it possible that the bride-sister is worried about offending her other siblings by inviting the adult niece and not the child nieces and nephews? Often people feel like if you invite one in a ‘group’ you then have to invite them all. 

If so it might just be as simple as letting her know that people will understand the distinction between actual children and adult offspring.

Post # 43
Member
12096 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

wolfeyes :  If I had to guess, I think that is the likely explanation. leaving out a 21 year old niece in favor of the 20 year old daughter of a friend and two under twelve relatives on the groom’s side is just not considerate or nice. It was inevitably going to hurt feelings. 

I agree that the niece could be an exception by age, even now. But she still creates a situation where there are some children but not others, some kids from the same family and not others, and kids of friends instead of immediate family. Pretty poor plan if you ask me.

Post # 44
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

ashleymarieforreal :  Well whatever it is, I hope it works out in the best possible way and I hope you get to enjoy the wedding if you go.

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