(Closed) Who was wrong; me or her? Awkward Situation and I'm ticked off.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did my friend get irrationally angry?
    Yes, but it's a touchy subject. Let it go. : (176 votes)
    61 %
    Yes, she's a jerk. Why ask for the advice if you don't actually want it? : (71 votes)
    25 %
    Yes, for some other reason. : (5 votes)
    2 %
    No, you should have realized that would offend her. : (32 votes)
    11 %
    No, for some other reason. : (4 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 48
    Member
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @bunnyharriet:  I think she’s putting on a front. The people who truly possessing a high self-esteem seem to exude a love for life and never put people down for superficial reasons. We know of several people like this and people just gravitate to them because they are just happy people comfortable in their own skin.

    Conversely, we know of people that always talk about how great they are and how everyone loves them. They’ll show off their designer cars/bags/clothes and interject compliments about themselves in any conversation and usually, these people don’t have very many friends (because really, who wants to hear someone brag about themselves all day?). These people have terrible self-esteem but is trying to mask it by pretending that they believe that they are awesome.

    Post # 49
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @bunnyharriet:  Yeah, I think commenting on someone’s need to realign their thinking patterns with food is unpleasant. Yes, in the past she may have asked for some tips, but I don’t think off-the-cuff remarks about people’s intake is appropriate, and I think it came off judgmental and that you’re better than her. I’m not overweight but I still hate it when people comment on my food choices – not your business.

    Also, the way you speak about her on the thread is even more uncomplimentary, although you haven’t said it to her face (I assume).

    Post # 50
    Member
    2103 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Reminds me of that SNL skit with the mall girls and Chris Farley’s all “LAY OFF ME! I’M STARVING!!!!”

    I understand why you’re frustrated, and I understand why she’s frustrated. I would probably approach the subject, say “hey, I was not trying to tell you how to live your life. In the past you’ve asked for advice, and I thought that you wanted it. I think you’re perfect just the way you are and we can agree not to discuss food and diet issues in the future. “

    Post # 51
    Member
    1156 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @bunnyharriet:  I don’t think you are wrong for what you said.  But….weight is a touchy issue for most women.  I would ask her the next time she asks you to be the food police just how she would like you to police her habits.  Just so YOU know where the line is.  IMO you did nothing wrong, and the way it was worded didn’t sound offensive to me.  

    Post # 52
    Member
    982 posts
    Busy bee

    @bunnyharriet:  I don’t think what you said was offensive. Everyone who diets needs to change the way they think about food! It would be an entirely different matter if she hadn’t asked for your help, and you just said it out of nowhere. weight can be a really touchy subject, she was probably being hypersensitive, but at the same time, she shouldn’t harp on about wanting to go on a sugar binge if she is serious about making a positive change. It’s draining for you to hear, and you can’t say nothing for too long. She does need to change the way she thinks – by understanding how many calories are in those treats. I thought I had a good handle on what was good and bad, until I signed up to My Fitness Pal and realised how wrong I was!

    She asked for your help, you’re trying to give her that help- but there’s probably no approach that won’t cause her offence. It’s a no-win for you.

    Post # 53
    Member
    2250 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    It drives me CRAZY when a friend of mine bitches and moans and whines about having no money, always asking me for advice on how to save… and then asks me to go on a shopping spree at the mall with her! I usually just skirt the issue, but last time she did it I flat out told her that she had to stop putting me in these akward positions… does she want me to tell her to QUIT SHOPPING and save her money, or does she want me to be the fun friend who encourages crazy spending?!!

    Your situation sounds exactly the same… I know exactly how awkward it is! She shouldn’t have put you in that position. However, like money, weight is a touchy issue.. maybe let it go this time, but if she brings it up again, be honest with her and let her know you don’t appreciate the horrible position!

    Post # 54
    Member
    75 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    It does sounds like she’s going through some serious sugar withdrawal. It’s not your job but you could start keeping some better low cal sweet foods with you to offer her when she has cravings like that. Sugar free options are way prevalent nowadays and a granola bar might help her sugar control.

    Post # 55
    Member
    771 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @bunnyharriet:  Ugh!  I have a friend who is just like your friend!  And he drives me bonkers!!!  She is obsessed with her weight and her looks.  I’ve told nearly a million times over the course of our 20 year friendship that she is in fact “thin” and “pretty.”  Now I just tell her “Stop being ridiculous” and she interprets that as “You’re right, you are fat and ugly.”  Color me confused.

    Well, if nothing else, at least you know what NOT to say going forward!

     

    Also, I agree with some PPs that weight is a sensitive issue.  But – DON’T ASK FOR HELP IF YOU AREN’T WILLING TO TAKE ADVICE! 

    Post # 56
    Member
    1176 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    TBH I would be unable to be friends with someone like this. Not because she’s fat, because I have plenty of fat friends. Some of them are down with being fat; some of them aren’t, but they don’t bitch about it all the time. It’s the constant bitching and moaning I can’t stand. Either eat the doughnut or don’t, but please stop acting like a victim of the fucking doughnut. 

    /rant

    Post # 57
    Member
    1181 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    She clearly has issues that you are not equiped to deal with. Just don’t talk about food with her…at all not even salad, she’ll think you’re saying something you’re not no matter what you have to say.

    And I agree with geekspice.

    Post # 58
    Member
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @bunnyharriet:  your particular choice of words obvious hit a hot button for her and sent her off the charts with rage… that doesn’t mean your choice of words was wrong or you could anticipate how she would react.  You were doing it with a good intent vs. trying to make her feel bad.

    That said- I think you are quickly learning (or re-learning) how tricky discussing weight is with people.  When people ask a question that I’m not sure they want to hear what I think (ie: am I eating too much) I ask a question in response:  “do you really want to hear what I think or do you want me to lie to you?” – I do it kind of jokingly – so they know that what’s about to come out of my mouth is likely going to sting (because the truth hurts sometimes!).

    After the dust settles (for both of you), I’d approach it with something like:  look, what happened the other day in the car was taken out of context.  You thought I was trying to be controlling, but that’s far from reality.  Regardless, I will not talk to you about food issues, unless you expressly want my opinion and ask for it.  Can we move on?

       

    Post # 59
    Member
    7884 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Clearly she doesn’t want your advice.  Good friends should be able to talk about touchy subjects without going crazy.

    Post # 60
    Member
    1251 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    @Atalanta:  +1. Ask if she wants your advice on it, and then tell her.

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