(Closed) Who were your bridesmaids? Your MOH? How'd you pick and choose??

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Is your friends’s FI’s BFF his best man? Perhaps she felt it made sense to make the BFF’s wife to be her Maid/Matron of Honor as well?

Either way, please don’t feel that she values your friendship any less. I know every bride has different criteria when selecting Maid/Matron of Honor (longterm friend vs who she’s closer to ATM), and I’m sure your friend didn’t mean to hurt you.

I have a friend who I’ve known “longer” than my current BMs, but I just felt we drifted apart a bit and she would be too opinionated and hard to handle (i.e. too much drama). It doesn’t mean that I don’t value our friendship or that she’s not as good of a friend compared to my other friends – I still enjoy our times together and I’m glad we’re still friends after so long. I really do treasure our friendship. It’s just that there are also many other factors when selecting BMs/MOH that people just ended up focusing too much on “I’m not a Bridesmaid or Best Man, therefore you’re not my best friend anymore”-kind of thing and that’s sad.

Hope you feel better soon 🙂

Post # 18
109 posts
Blushing bee

My (ex) best friend asked another girl to be her MoH, and essentially told me that it’s because we “grew apart.” A few weeks later, her MoH had to back out for medical reasons. My friend then came back to me and asked me to be her MoH, saying, “Well, that part was always meant to be yours anyway.” :/

I understand your unhappiness, and unfortunately, there’s nothing you can really do but grin and bear it. someone’s feelings will always be hurt. It’s unavoidable. having a wedding is essentially throwing a big party while saying, “Hey guys, by the way, THIS girl here is the one I feel closest to!” For this reason as well, I’m not planning to have a MoH either.

Post # 19
688 posts
Busy bee

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tiffyyippie:  Yeah, I understand. Like I said, it was likely a struggle for her. She probably considers herself close to you both in different ways. If she sees her more, maybe it’s partially convenience?

And also, I wasn’t trying to say you two had a falling out (don’t know if you thought that), by falling out I meant my friend and I had an argument and pretty much ended the relationship (a few months ago). 

Post # 22
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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tiffyyippie:  I haven’t had this experience, but I think my BFF is now. She is my Matron of Honor, but I also have my only sister as my Maid of Honor. It’s been hard for BFF to reconcile her feelings about my sister (who is really no help at all) and herself (who is a tremendous help) having the same “honor”. She hasn’t said this outright- but she has implied it. 

Honestly, there could be a lot of things at play here that you don’t know about. Maybe the FI’s friend is super jealous and wouldn’t want his wife walking down the aisle with anyone but him (assuming he’s the Best Man). Maybe her Fiance stupidly said in front of them that they’d be Best Man/MOH (my Fiance just asked his nephew to be a groomsman when he meant usher!) and she’s now stuck. 

I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything at all against your realtionship. I totally understand why you are disappointed and sad about it, but I hope you’re able to work through it for the sake of your friendship. 

Post # 23
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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tiffyyippie:  I chose the bridal party based on who I was discussing the wedding with the most at the time. They are my close friends, but there are other close friends I didn’t ask because of other factors like a demanding job, being in grad school, or just not having a personality fit in my opinion for the duties.

It may be possible that she’s been hanging out with her Maid/Matron of Honor a lot in the past year and they talk wedding a lot. I chose based on who I thought was reliable, but also who seemed most excited about a wedding. I knew I’d be talking day and night about weddings, and I didn’t want to bore someone.

PS: If you’re considering going without a Maid/Matron of Honor, I think that’s a good choice. If you’re on the fence about anyone, do NOT ask them.  I do wish I waited to choose my bridal party until just a few months out from the wedding. Being in the bridal party will show a person’s strengths and weaknesses when it comes to a wedding, and sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it’s not pretty.

Post # 25
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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tiffyyippie:  Bummer! That’s probably it then.  ;(  Just giving you an idea to think about it differently.

Post # 26
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I only have one sister and I am very close with her and was Maid/Matron of Honor at her wedding, so choosing her as my Maid/Matron of Honor was easy.

I have 3 girlfriends that I’ve been close friends with for over a decade and who I always thought would be my BMs. But, we’ve started to grow apart after college and don’t see each other very often anymore. We still text all the time, but when it comes down to it, I didn’t feel like I could trust all of them to make time for the wedding. One in particular can also be very dramatic and I didn’t want to allow grandiose excuses to anger me during an already stressful time. Though I love them all dearly, I thought it best to just have them there as guests. I understand they may be hurt or disappointed by this, and that’s not my intention, but I just had to do what was best for me.

I don’t have many close friends and couldn’t picture my Future Sister-In-Law as a Bridesmaid or Best Man either, so I went the non-traditional route and asked my brother and step-brother to be my bridesmaids. It will make the ceremony so much more personal to have all of my siblings standing with me, plus there’s no chance of looking back at the photos in 20 years and wondering what happened to those people!

Post # 27
48 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

When it came to choosing my Maid/Matron of Honor, I went with my college roommate who I lived with for 4 years over my “oldest friendship” of 15 years, even though I rarely see my Maid/Matron of Honor because she lives across the country. I know my oldest friend is disappointed but has happily been by my side during the planning with no complaints to me.  She has even made me her Maid/Matron of Honor for her wedding next year since then.  Aside from making a speech, my girls are all equally involved.  We are all getting ready together, they’re all involved in the shower/ bachelorette planning, etc. so being the Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t make a big difference.

I’m sure it’s not that she doesn’t value your friendship equally, every friendship is different and you just have to go with your gut.  Obviously she wants you to be a big part of her day and that should make you feel happy!

Post # 28
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Country Club

My Maid/Matron of Honor is my best friend from high school. I was Maid/Matron of Honor in her wedding and she has always been a huge support system for me (as all my girls have been). My bridesmaids are : my other best friend (since the first day of 7th grade) but she’s married with 3 kids and is a nurse so I would never put Maid/Matron of Honor duties on her even if I’ve known her the longest. Another bridesmaid is my closest friend from college/grad school. She is very off beat and keeps me sane but is new to the whole wedding planning game and I’d never throw her to the wolves. My last bridesmaid is my SIL whom I love with all my heart. She and my brother have been married like 6 years and she is a super planner so I have basically come to realize her and my Maid/Matron of Honor are in cahoots together but honestly I love all my girls and I just want them happy at the end of the day. 

Post # 29
766 posts
Busy bee

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tiffyyippie:  I think the maid of honor thing can be a little tough sometimes.  For some people, it’s clear-cut – an obvious best friend, a close sister.  But sometimes there’s no 100% obvious choice, and then the choice can lead to some awkwardness and hurt feelings.  As you noted as well, different people have different criteria for Maid/Matron of Honor.  Some pick the person that will be most helpful with the wedding, others pick the longest-standing friend/family member, even if they’re zero help. 

I know it’s hard, but I’d try not to take it too personally and enjoy being part of the wedding party.  As for your own wedding, there’s no need to pick a Maid/Matron of Honor if you don’t want to!  I’m not having one because it didn’t make a lot of sense for me, and I’m happy with that choice.

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