Post # 1
Hi, bees. My local hospital only allows one support person in the room during L&D and my husband and mom both want to be there. I obviously have to choose one and it makes more sense to have my husband there so that we can become a family and celebrate together. On the other hand, I have some doubts about how supportive he will be during the process. He has this idea that a person should never complain about the choices they’ve made and since I chose to have a child, I need to deal with the pain. If I make any faces or noises during labor, I can totally see him getting exasperated with me and telling me that I knew what I was getting myself into and I need to suck it up. I really want to do this without an epidural so that I can hopefully get through it faster and have a quicker recovery, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that without any emotional support, much less with someone actively judging me for “not handling it well” when he doesn’t even have a effing clue what “it” is.
My Mom, who has given birth 5 times (both vaginal and c-section) will be a lot more understanding and probably helpful, except that she’s super-duper high strung and her anxiety is sometimes contagious.
My last option, and honestly the one that appeals to me on a gut level, is to hire a doula and know that I will have practical and emotional support that I can count on. That would definitely make labor easier on me and probably lead to a better outcome health-wise, but then I will have shut my entire family out of the process.
If you could only have 1 person with you, who would you choose? Is it more important to pick the person who has the most “right” to be there or the person you can most count on to get you through it?
Post # 2
I would choose my husband but he’s not an ass and is always my biggest supporter so I know I can count on him.
You need to choose who is right for you (which from the post sounds like a doula) but I think it’s incredibly sad that isn’t your husband and maybe that’s something you guys might want to work on through couples counseling.
Have you discussed this concern with your husband?
Post # 3
He has this idea that a person should never complain about the choices they’ve made and since I chose to have a child, I need to deal with the pain. If I make any faces or noises during labor, I can totally see him getting exasperated with me and telling me that I knew what I was getting myself into and I need to suck it up.
…did you know this before you got pregnant and still went through with it? Seriously, I’d be super pissed at his reaction to you pushing a child through your vagina. So anytime the child acts up will he use that excuse- that you can’t complain because it was your choice?
Choose your mom.
Post # 4
As someone who just went through labour,.I think the doula sounds like your best option. Ideally it would be your husband…. but your husband would really judge you on how you’re handling the pain? Has he watched any videos on labour? I dont think there is a single video out there that would show the mother having a great time during labour.
But if you really think that he will be like that than I think go with the doula. You will get the support you need then. Uour mom may be fine, but if you think she will be stressing you out, it’s not worth it.
Post # 5
helixthecat : I think if you have a doula, that doesn’t count and you can still have your husband.. but I would double check.
Honestly, I would go with my husband, because WE made the choice together and it’s his JOB to be supportive of you. I took my husband to a 6 week Lamaze class and made him learn how to support me through the process, because I also wanted to do med-free. I have a stepson, and his mom said my husband was less than supportive (albeit 10 years ago when he was 21), and my husband turned out to be the best support person throughout the whole thing. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there.
How does your husband feel about you having to make this choice and considering someone else there because you don’t find him supportive about this?
Post # 6
Uh, I think you have a lot more serious issues here than who should be with you during your birth. Namely, the fact that you married a gigantic asshole. Are you not bothered by his attitude? I don’t understand your matter of fact tone. Childbirth is notoriously one of the most painful experiences a human can endure – he’s really going to get exasperated with you if you dare to utter a sigh or make a grimace during an unmedicated labor?
Peersonally…I labored for about four hours without an epidural (on pitocin) and it was some next-level shit. I was losing it with contractions coming right on top of each other. If my husband had even hinted at being exasperated with me for not behaving like a stoic little cherub during that because “I signed up for this,” I would have legitimately punched him in the face and asked security to haul him out of there. So yeah I’d go with your mom or the doula and I’d also be looking into a divorce lawyer. maybe that sounds extreme but the idea of a husband mansplaining to his wife that she’s overreacting to the pain of labor is one of the more disgusting things I’ve read on this website.
ETA: Also…as painful as labor is, that’s a finite thing with an ending. Shit doesn’t really get real until you’re caring for a newborn 24/7 while sitting in a giant diaper, leaky boobs, cracked nipples, recovering from the birth, lucky to sleep more than 60 min in one stretch…for weeks on end. But I guess if you so much as yawn your husband will be rolling his eyes because “this is what you signed up for”? Seriously bee this is so concerning…I hope you’re exaggerating about his attitude.
Post # 7
I honestly cannot imagine actually having a child with someone if I didn’t think they could be supportive during labor.
What if you’re tired or emotional after you have the kid? Does he tell you to shut up and suck up being tired and overwhelmed because you chose to have a baby?
I would only have my husband with me, as close as I am to my mom I think that time would be more special being shared only with my husband.
Post # 8
My friend’s husband was similar. She had a lot of complications during her first pregnancy and had to be in the hospital from 25 weeks through 38 weeks. Her husband looked at it like he could’ve done so much better than her. He thought she was overreacting. They almost lost their baby. I can tell you now that things never got better. He’s a horrible father and a terrible husband. I’m shocked at the casual way your write about his outlook on childbirth.
Post # 9
Honestly I’m pretty worried about your birth and post partum experience if that’s your husband’s view on everything. I mean what the fuck.
Post # 10
helixthecat : I chose my husband and we talked a LOT about how I expected him to support me and he stepped up and nailed it. Talking it out ahead of time really helped I think, particularly if you are opting for an unmedicated birth (which is what I had too). My husband has a tendency to make jokes during emotional situations or offer too many suggestions to the point that I get pissed off and frustrated with him. He appreciates humor in stressful situations and I do NOT. He could not fathom why I didn’t want an epidural and I reminded him “you don’t have to understand it…you just have to support it”. And he did. He kept his suggestions to a minimum and to a pre-approved list of pain management techniques that I wanted to try. It was more of a reminder than a direction. Sometimes I took him up on them, sometimes I didn’t, and he never pushed.
A few things that your husband should keep in mind if he’s going to be your support person. (1) You can change your mind every 25 seconds on what you want him to do to help you and he needs to just shut up and do it. Even if it seems ridiculous to him. (2) He also wanted this kid so just wanting a kid doesn’t mean you’re super jazzed about the pain it takes to get them here. He can talk a big game knowing a human isn’t about to fly out of his privates.
Oh and if you’re having a drug-free birth you will be making faces and noises. It’s completely doable and I plan on going drug-free again for future births, but like….shit hurts man. No way around it. He needs to accept that! And if he can’t I’d get a different support person.
Post # 11
Like PPs, I am concerned about the lack of support from your spouse. That’s a HUGE issue.
If you decide your mother or a paid worker is best for you, go do it. I think barring your husband from being present at the birth of his child is a decision you should give a LOT of thought to.
Choices have consequences. There may be serious, longstanding resentment from your husband. My partner would never forgive me if I made the decision to bar him from the delivery room. There’s also no way to go back in time to “make it right”.
Post # 12
You are carrying and giving birth to a child, and his ONLY job right now is to support you. And he can’t even do that?
I agree with PP. Childbirth is the tip of the iceberg, and if he can’t be counted on to support you through that, how in the hell will he support you through raising the child?
Normally I’d say that the father has a right to be there for the birth of his child, but fuck this guy.
Post # 13
I went into this thinking “well, obviously my husband” (even though for myself, when the time comes to have a baby, I want both my mom and husband there and would change providers if that’s what it took to accomplish that), but after reading your post, I’d choose mom or doula hands-down (and opt for some heavy duty counseling).
Post # 14
coffeecakez : Choices have consequences. There may be serious, longstanding resentment from your husband. My partner would never forgive me if I made the decision to bar him from the delivery room. There’s also no way to go back in time to “make it right”.
If anyone should be feeling resentment here it is the OP. If anyone needs to find a way to go back in time to “make things right,” it is the husband for having the fucking gall to tell his wife she needs to not make a peep during labor cause “she wanted this child.” WTF
For what it’s worth, my husband was the only one with me during my labor and delivery, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But if he’d had a “you signed up for this so you better suffer in silence” attitude , he would have been kicked out of the room with divorce papers served to him shortly thereafter. He’d be welcome to feel resentment about that for the rest of his life…not my problem.
Post # 15
helixthecat : …WHAT?!
I think you need to have a much larger and longer conversation with your husband here…I really hope I’m missing something but from this post he sounds like a complete asshole.