Post # 106
Second of all, a judge isnt going to technically care about your job potential, they care about the best interests of the child. Even the most loving of parent gets stiffed by the judge and has to share custody with an abusive douche.
…… i just think there is TOO much to disect in this situation, he holds over you all his past exes, and crappy behavior hes had to put up with from his family, i dont know how you have even stayed around long enough putting up with that crap to get pregnant.
Post # 107
Oh good lord, you won’t take a tylenol because you might miscarry, but you’ll do an amnio for literally no reason at all???????????? +10000!!
OP you are ill informed. I still can’t believe a doctor let you jump to an amnio just because. WTF. And you won’t even take a single Tylenol….
Post # 108
The context is discussed in another thread that I don’t think you were a part of, so don’t take another poster’s word for it that I got an amnio for shits and giggles. Because of my age and my husband’s age, we started out with a baseline 1/66 probability of a genetic aneuploidy. Because of a number of genetic disorders in my family, including one affecting a sibling, our risk was even higher. The waiting period was a high anxiety time for me, but we both really wanted to know what we were facing and we made the decision to get the test even before I got pregnant. We are both still glad we had the test in spite of all the torment involved.
Like all decisions made by pregnant/post partum/nursing mothers, this decision was made and carried out carefully and in consultation with my doctors and the father of my child. It’s not your place to judge me for my decision any more than it’s my place to judge a woman for eating sushi or having a glass of wine or having an epidural or co-sleeping or formula-feeding. If you want to take painkillers during your pregnancy, that’s your call. If I want to avoid them, that’s mine. I talked with my OB and my dentist about the risks that both the meds and my pain could introduce to the baby and as long as I wasn’t in agony and with a significantly elevated heart rate, it would be better to play it safe.
It may also interest you to know that commonly quoted statistics on miscarriage risk after amnio are based on old data from before the time when the procedure was guided by sonography, which greatly reduced the risk of miscarriage (to somewhere between 1/500 and 1/1000). It’s also a calculated risk wherein there is a medical purpose for having the procedure. There wasn’t a medical benefit to taking Tylenol in this situation.
But, yeah, have fun judging random women you don’t know because they’re cautious about drug use during pregnancy.
Post # 109
helixthecat : I think what was concerning about the amnio thread was the mininformation regarding NIPT you were given. And as an aside, my husband is in his 40’s, I’m in my 30’s and I’m a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis that runs in my family. So in addition to the standard NIPT panel, they’re able to also test for various other genetic disorders in the same way without doing the amnio. It was alarming that it wasn’t discussed or that your dr jumped straight to amnio but hey, whatever– whats done is done.
PS: My other point to bring up is that also as someone who married a man with a child from a previous marriage– a judge absolutely can and will dictate where you move. Many of the decisions you’ll face onward whether you’re married or not will involve your husband– but boy let me tell you, there’s nothing quite as vocal as a man being raked over the child support coals because mom wants to up and move for HER benefit. Been there, done that… now mom lives 20 minutes from us and if either party moves outside of a certain distance, it’s back to court to have a judge sign off on it. That can and does cost tens of thousands of dollars.
PSS: I truly do think some type of counseling is in order before any birthing classes or stern talks. The narrative this guy spins about women is alarming. You believing him and silently suffering to prove a point is alarming. There’s just, a lot of alarming things that TRUST ME– as a new mom, suffering in silence to prove points will lead you down a dark road. Motherhood is beautiful and becoming parents is life changing, but it will test even really strong marriages in surprising ways. I think your Darling Husband has displayed behavior that suggests he is going to be a really difficult man to parent with or partner with.
Post # 110
I want to circle back and address a fundamental flaw in your logic about your husband’s parenting of his two kids.
Assuming that every word you have written about their mother is true, the fact that the kids ended up living with their father should in no way be interpreted as some kind of endorsement of his parenting skills.
How old were they when the decision was made that they would live with their father full time? How did that decision come about? Did the children have input? What was the impact, if any, on child support payments?
There are a lot of variables here, Bee.
And, be aware that children of terrible parents are often the ones who cling the most tightly.
Post # 111
fromatoz : “I truly do think some type of counseling is in order before any birthing classes or stern talks. The narrative this guy spins about women is alarming. You believing him and silently suffering to prove a point is alarming. There’s just, a lot of alarming things that TRUST ME– as a new mom, suffering in silence to prove points will lead you down a dark road. Motherhood is beautiful and becoming parents is life changing, but it will test even really strong marriages in surprising ways. I think your Darling Husband has displayed behavior that suggests he is going to be a really difficult man to parent with or partner with.“
helixthecat : OP, I’m re-posting this because you REALLY, REALLY need to read it.
Post # 112
I don’t know the ins and outs of the decision, but I do know that she left a few times—once when her first was a few months old and twice when the kids were middle/HS age—and she wasn’t interested in taking either one with them. In fact, part of the reason she left was apparently because she just didn’t want to do the wife/mom thing anymore. She moved in with other guys during these periods. I know it doesn’t mean he’s father of the year, but it does mean that he raised them independently through various periods of their lives when their mom abandoned them. And no, she didn’t pay child support bc she didn’t work.
I’m not worried about him being a good father. He’s been very active in the work of getting ready for the baby. I’m just worried he won’t be supportive during labor or that he’ll make fun of me after the fact for the things I do or say in labor. Women make noises and faces and get into weird positions during birth and I don’t need to be mocked for it. I don’t know why men always make fun of the whole labor process. Any movie or TV show with a birth scene and a male director shows pretty clearly how much men look down on women for the “hilarious” things they do during labor and how funny it is to see a woman in agony. I mean, you never see a gruesome car crash or a war zone amputation or a burn patient played for laughs, so why is labor so hilarious to guys? I just really don’t need male energy in the room since men don’t respect the process. Frankly, I can’t understand why any woman would feel comfortable letting her husband see her like that.
Post # 113
helixthecat : “I’m not sure why men always make fun of the process”. I have never heard a man make fun of the labor process. I don’t think he would be good to have in the delivery room. While your mom would be great, her anxious personality could affect you.
And trust me, you don’t give a damn about the faces and noises you make when you are in the throes of labor.
Right before it was time to push, I was butt ass naked with wet towels draped all over me, puking my guts out every few minutes and the room completely filled with people because my water had meconium in it and there were other complications during the labor.
I didn’t give a rats ass who saw me like that, I was in so much pain. I ended up needing a C-section after 30 hours of labor because the cord was around my daughters neck twice. Once is very common, twice not so much and it can get too tight, my daughter wasn’t coming out and her heart rate tanked with every contraction.
I would absolutely lose my mind if my husband had the audacity to make fun of me. Lose. My. Mind.
Then again, I didn’t marry a total asshole
Post # 114
I’m trying to imagine my husband making fun of me after labor and I just can’t.
YOUR man makes fun of the process. YOUR man thinks labor is hilarious.
Stop with the “men do this and men make fun of that” nonsense. That’s YOUR man.
Post # 115
sassy411 : that is a very good point.
My cousin was unlucky in the fact that both his mother and father were/are shit parents. When his parents split, he was old enough for the judge to take in account his desire regarding visitation and living arrangements. My cousin knew his father was even more lax on the parenting front by way of rules and parameters and he chose to live with him because as a rebellious teenager he was smart enough to work out living with his dad would mean he could essentially do whatever he wanted.
He is now a man in his late 30s and he puts his mum on ice often because she’s difficult and he tolerates his dad more for the fact he has teenage half siblings he cares about and tries to be around for support and guidance. The fact is that my cousin has two terrible parents and his involvement or lack of involvement has little to do with one being the better parent because the truth is they both suck in that area.
My point is that OPs husband can be the better parent in comparison to the ex wife but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s remotely parent of the year. He could just be the lesser of two evils which is no prize and judging by what OP is saying he probably sadly fits into that category for his children.
Post # 116
helixthecat : Why would he make fun of you?? Oh gawd, that’s horrible. It’s seriously such a beautiful yet horrifying experience, but FYI, 90% of women sh*t while pushing…
I’ve never, ever heard of a man make fun of a woman after seeing her go through labor or delivery.
Post # 117
Your man doesn’t respect the process and makes fun of it. Because he is shitty. You picked a shitty partner.
That’s a you/your husband thing – not a “man” thing. I gave birth a year ago, my husband never left my side from the time I checked in to the time I left the hospital. While I was in labor he didn’t even take a break to go grab something to eat (cause I couldn’t eat during labor). When I was thirsty and couldn’t move because of the epidural he got up 30 different times to give new sips of water, he moved my legs for me when they were numb from the epidural, he helped me roll over every time I got uncomfortable. When I was actively pushing he held my hand, made jokes with me and cried when our daughter finally emerged. I’m glad I had his male energy with me.
And believe me, my husband is no softie sensitive sweet peach. He’ll be the first person to proclaim that he is a “proud asshole” and even he knows when it’s appropriate to be a dick and when he needs to put on his good husband shoes and be serious.
Post # 118
helixthecat : “I don’t know why men always make fun of the whole labor process.”
I sound like one of those Men’s Right Activists that I despise but seriously: NOT ALL MEN. Stop with these stupid generalizations. It’s like you’re not listening to anything we’re saying and we’re now back to square one.
If your husband is going to make fun of you during labor he is an asshole. Period. End of sentence.
And yes, that would ABSOLUTELY make me weary of raising a child with this man because it shows a horrible character flaw and I wouldn’t want my child being raised with him as any sort of role model.
Post # 119
helixthecat : I don’t know why men always make fun of the whole labor process.
THEY DON’T. Any guy who makes fun of his wife’s pain while she’s bringing his child into the world is a giant asshole. Full stop. My husband laughed once during my labor and it was because he came upstairs to me literally running up and down our hallway and when he asked what I was doing I said “I think if I go fast enough I just might be able to run out of my own body and make this pain stop”. He barely let out a tiny chuckle (in fairness, my thought process was ridiculous and I can’t tell this story without laughing myself in hindsight) and then immediately went back into ultra supportive husband mode. After birth my husband said “you did make some crazy noises that scared me a bit” but didn’t make fun of me for them. I have another friend who literally shit every single time she pushed (for over an hour!) and her husband didn’t say a fucking peep about it.
Post # 120
My anesthesolgist was a man. I got an epidural and it worked for about an hour. They kept rolling me to get my daughters heart rate to recover on top of my low blood pressure. I think they tried to place it again
I will never forget the look on his face, I was trying to explain to him where it hurt and how I was in so much pain, and the look on his face was of such concern, he just wanted to make my pain go away
Then there is my dad. He came in after everyone in the waiting room was told that I was going for a C-section, and he looked like he was in pain seeing me in so much pain. He told me how sorry he was but that he had to leave. He legit had to leave the hospital because he could not stand to see me in so much pain.
YOUR man. Not all men.