Post # 1
I want to start by saying that I don’t feel I am owed anything or entitled to anything so I really don’t want it to come off that way. The wedding is like 60 days away and I am not ready. I am starting to really freak out and have anxiety attacks. When we got engaged I imagined a court house wedding and a bbq. I knew we didn’t have the funds for a big wedding. Well my mom stepped in and said we should at least LOOK at venues. The first one we looked at we both loved. But I had told her we couldn’t afford much. Well she said “Don’t worry about it I will pay for it” and stroked a check for the deposit on the spot. I can’t lie I was happy that I was getting a big wedding. I knew my mom was okay on money. She sold the house I grew up in earlier this year and moved in with her boyfriend. They are in their late 50’s and 60’s and his home has been paid off for decades as he inherited his parent’s home. So anyhow now that it’s getting down to brass tacks she’s being so stingy. She only wants to pay for just the venue. She says she doesn’t want to “treat” her ex in laws. Mind you they have never mistreated her. My parents even are on somewhat good terms. My dad and step mom don’t have a lot of money. But they are letting us live at their place rent free so we can put my entire paycheck towards wedding expenses. We paid for our own std’s invites, wedding photographer, and dj. They also scrimped and saved and gave us a check for $1,000 the other day. That was such a huge deal for them. I know they wish they could do more and they said they are going to try to save more. It really bothered me at first that my mom didn’t want to pay for any of my dad’s side to be there. But I figured Fiance and I could make up that costs. What bothered me is, she’s doing it to spite my dad and his family, but I am the one who’s got to come up with that money. When she decided she wanted to have my wedding at X venue and have an actual formal event and said “I will pay for it” I assumed she meant the entire thing. I think it’s unfair of her to decide to pay for a venue only, thus meaning we are committed to have a formal wedding and then expecting my dad to come up with the rest when he wasn’t consulted in any of it. I know it makes my dad feel awful that he can’t pay more. But we are the ones footing the bill. When, ideally we were going to be saving money to buy our first home.
However here is the kicker. Our total wedding cost is going to be around $10-12K and she invited 60% of the guests. My mom and I work together and share a business email account. I just saw an email from her lawyer about a pre-nup between her and her boyfriend. (I know I shouldn’t have snooped! I know! But I almost thought it was a spam email). One portion says she has $57,000. in savings. That she also purchased her new car in cash. And has a very sizable 401K. This just crushed me bees. I know it’s not my money. But it really upsets me. My brother and his wife have been trying to buy a home for years and just are having trouble getting the money down. Because rent is like double a mortgage in our area. Where we live you could get a really nice home for $5K down on an fha loan. She could totally have helped them out. She could easily pay for my entire wedding. Not that I expect her too. But it just really hurts me that we are over here eating ramen noodles, and pinching every last penny to hopefully be able to pay for this. And she has that much cash. Her fiance is literally a millionaire. I know because my best friend is his accountant. I don’t expect him to pay for my wedding either Although I am 26 and I have known him since I was 3, and they have been together for about 10 years now so he’s basically my step dad. So it’s not like he doesn’t have any money to float her so she can help more with wedding costs. I just feel like she is doing this all to spite my dad but the only person who is really stressed out and hurt over this is me. I don’t feel like I can bring this up because her and I have such a rocky relationship as is. She always thinks people are out to get her, I feel like if I bring this up she will decide she wants to pay for nothing at all. Part of me wants to cancel everything but the photographer and elope. This whole thing just makes me sad. I just can’t imagine having plenty of money and not happily paying for my kids wedding. She loves my fiancé too. So it’s not as though she objects. She was really happy we were getting married. I guess I just feel differently than she does.
I just need to find a way to talk to my mom about this calmly and cooly and obviously not mention that I saw a private email. Honnestly when I opened it I thought it was spam. I can tell though that it’s not because all of her other information is accurate and I recognize the name of the law firm.
Post # 2
I learned this the hard way too – don’t plan a wedding if you don’t have the money in your hand or can’t afford it. I’m sorry she back tracked on how much she was going to help though. There aren’t many words to say other than it just sucks so friggin’ bad.
Post # 3
What I see is that you and your mother never had a straight forward conversation about this. You just assumed that she would foot the whole bill when it sounded to me like she was just saying she would cover the venue. So, I don’t feel you can really be upset with her when you didn’t straight up talk to her and just made an assumption. Not to say you were in the wrong either, but, communication is important and it seems like you guys just didn’t communicate.
You say you aren’t entitled and don’t expect for anyone to pay for things for you but this whole post is almost totally about how you’re upset your mom isn’t just funding your whole wedding just because she has money and you personally think thats what she should do. I’m not really sure what you want to talk to her about and what you are expecting to get out of the talk? Are you hoping she will offer to pay for the rest of the wedding? Whats the angle here?
Where is your FI’s family in all this? Are they not helping at all? Secondly, why on earth are you having such an expensive wedding if you cannot afford it? You need to tell mom “Sorry, but we’re on a budget and we can’t accomodate all these extra people budget wise.” Cut the extras that you don’t need. The venue is paid for so you can obviously still use it but get rid of the other stuff you don’t need.
Post # 4
I really dont mean to be rude, but your mom does not have any obligation to pay for your wedding. Unfortunately, this seems to be a case of miscommunication when your mom thought she was paying for the venue and you believed she was paying for the entire wedding. These things happen all the time, and should have been clarified up front. As many people will tell you, you cannot rely on $$ from others when planning a wedding unless you have it up front, because people back out all the time.
I would not mention the email you saw AT ALL. It’s none of your business how much cash she has on hand or what she intends to use it for. Maybe she has medical expenses or other debt you are not aware of that she is saving the cash for. Maybe she is worried she will break up with her boyfriend and need to buy a new house. Either way, it really is none of your business.
That being said, if I were you, I would talk to your mom and let her know how stressed you are about paying for the rest. Say your dad gave you all the money he could which covers his guests, and ask her if you could possibly have a loan from her if you come up short on paying for your friends. I say loan because if you have a rocky relationship, demanding money for your wedding isnt going to help. I think she either has to offer to pay for it (as a gift) on her own or it wont end well.
Post # 5
Yes, she is doing this to spite your dad and his family. Sadly enough, she has every right to do so even though it’s less than charming. Also, her financial situation and that of her boyfriend is really not your business. All you can do is carry on and make the best of it at this point. Try to be as grateful as you can for what she’s already done for you without expecting more. Focus on the joy of being married to the love of your life! 🙂
Post # 6
Why don’t you plan a dinner with your mother her boyfriend and your fiancé and talk about the finances. Ask her how much she thinks she could help you guys with and the situation you guys are going through. Tell her that she convinced you of having a big wedding even though you and your fiancé could barely afford it and now you are going through a lot of anxiety and stress to afford the other expenses. Hope everything goes well! As last resort if she declines to help you any further I would suggest you either go through with the wedding and pay it with a loan or tell your mom you cannot have the wedding because you guys cannot afford it. I’m sorry you have to go through this me and my fiancé we’re going through something similar struggling to afford our wedding and decided to postpone our wedding for 6 more months to be able to afford everything. Hope this helps.
Post # 7
I would talk to her, and tell her you can’t afford the guest list as it currently stands. Be prepared to start un-inviting people. If she wants them there, she can write you a check.
If you want to cancel everything together, talk to her about that too. Give her the opportunity to step up and pay for it, realizing it won’t happen at all otherwise. You guys sound like you’re happy with a small celebration, so if she wants something bigger, she can act accordingly.
Either way, I would just have an honest conversation about the realities, and see if she’s willing to help of her own free will.
Just be prepared to scale things back if she chooses to save her money. She’s looking at retirement, and with the world so unsteady, a lot of people are holding onto every penny – can’t say that I really blame her.
Post # 8
Unfortunately, the best course of action in anything is to never assume and always budget for what you can afford. As many suggest on here daily, always get a clear precise agreement on what exactly is going to be paid for and have the money given upfront or have all the agreements in her name for what is being charged. Obviously, this is moot since it’s past that approach.
So, as you said, your best bet is to sit down and talk to her. Get an understanding and arrange when she’ll be paying for the venue.
While I understand you’re upset…your mom’s money is her own. While you recognize the fact she doesn’t owe you or your brother to pay for anything, it’s clear you are upset over it and the email you saw. So, it may take time to come down but you do really have to let go of any ideas of what she could have helped you with or could have done…she could have but she chose not to. That’s her choice. While you thought the email was spam, it was clear whom it was addressed to and what it was about right away…and you should have stopped reading. That was a breach of privacy.
In any case, I’m sorry how things have played out and things will work out. The journey may seem rough today but each day brings new possibilities. These are lessons that we learn from..however hard they may be.
Post # 9
I totally agree. It was just her attitude at the venue was like she was going to pay for the whole thing. Then when she realized my dad’s side would be invited that’s when she got weird about money. I only think she should cover the venue like she offered and the people who rsvp that she invited.
Post # 10
Is she now saying she won’t cover the guests that she invited? Thats not how I interpreted your original post.
Post # 11
She doesn’t have any medical issues or anything like that. She has no debts. She paid that all off when she sold out house the $57K is what is left over.
To clairify I never expected her to pay for the whole thing. I expected her to pay for the food and etc for her friends and family and we would cover our friends and his family. Because his parents don’t have any spare money. So I knew all that and I was prepared for that. It’s her backing out on her part of the guest list that has me over the barrel. I suppose because she’s covering the venue? idk.
Anyhow like I said I know it’s her money to do with as she pleases. I don’t hold it against fi or my dad that they don’t have much money. I wouldn’t have held it against her. I guess it’s just hurtful that she could easily do more and refuses to spite my dad.
Post # 12
She’s basically saying she was never going to cover food etc. Only the venue. When we first talked I told her we couldn’t afford a reception and so we weren’t going to do one. I said we couldn’t afford food and drink for that many people and she said “we will figure it out” which I took to mean between her and my basically step dad “we.” I have been trying to get her to sit down and do a budget with me for 17 months now and she always brushes me off. Telling me “don’t worry about it” “we will get it taken care of.” I just feel so dumb. I knew I couldn’t trust her to come through for me. I don’t know why I expected this to be any different. I think this is just bringing up so much stuff from when I was a kid and a teenager. It’s just making it worse that this is not really
just about the wedding. But more about her bailling when I need her.
Post # 13
walk away from the venue deposit and scale wayyyyy back.
Your mom’s finances are not that substantive and it’s her money and her retirement. Her FH’s financial situation is not your business and he’s not your stepdad. If my math holds you were 16 when they got started. So no.
Not being able to count on your parents sucks, but life sucks and isn’t fair sometimes.
Post # 14
I can see why you are upset. Did you sign contracts? Have invoices? Though you may be dreading the converstation, at this point with the wedding 60 days away you have to sit down and have the discussion of what and when the payments are due. I would bring all documentation/spreadsheets etc. with you. Many contracts let you break at a reduced charge within 60, 45, 30 days, so if she really is backing out you want to do it sooner rather than later. Sorry bee, this is a tough situation but if you truly can’t make up the difference than there will have to be some kind of compromise to your original plan.
Post # 15
No I was 3 when he became a close family friend. I was 10/11 when my parents got divorced. They got together shortly after my parents divorce. They only got engaged 10 years ago (when I was 16) and are now actually getting married apparently. It’s a really weird situation. Like I said I don’t expect anything from him. I am just saying between both their incomes her paying for the food for her guests is not a stretch.
Sorry for the rant bees.
Like I said mid writing all this I kind of realized this has 0 to do with money really and is waaaay more about my mom and I’s relationship. I probably shouldn’t have made a post about it. I was just really hurt when I saw that.