(Closed) Who's paying for what, panic attacks, mom and money HELP!

posted 4 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
584 posts
Busy bee

I learned this the hard way too – don’t plan a wedding if you don’t have the money in your hand or can’t afford it. I’m sorry she back tracked on how much she was going to help though. There aren’t many words to say other than it just sucks so friggin’ bad.

Post # 3
Member
10390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

What I see is that you and your mother never had a straight forward conversation about this. You just assumed that she would foot the whole bill when it sounded to me like she was just saying she would cover the venue. So, I don’t feel you can really be upset with her when you didn’t straight up talk to her and just made an assumption. Not to say you were in the wrong either, but, communication is important and it seems like you guys just didn’t communicate.

You say you aren’t entitled and don’t expect for anyone to pay for things for you but this whole post is almost totally about how you’re upset your mom isn’t just funding your whole wedding just because she has money and you personally think thats what she should do. I’m not really sure what you want to talk to her about and what you are expecting to get out of the talk? Are you hoping she will offer to pay for the rest of the wedding? Whats the angle here? 

Where is your FI’s family in all this? Are they not helping at all? Secondly, why on earth are you having such an expensive wedding if you cannot afford it? You need to tell mom “Sorry, but we’re on a budget and we can’t accomodate all these extra people budget wise.” Cut the extras that you don’t need. The venue is paid for so you can obviously still use it but get rid of the other stuff you don’t need.

Post # 4
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
herrera2016 :  I really dont mean to be rude, but your mom does not have any obligation to pay for your wedding. Unfortunately, this seems to be a case of miscommunication when your mom thought she was paying for the venue and you believed she was paying for the entire wedding. These things happen all the time, and should have been clarified up front. As many people will tell you, you cannot rely on $$ from others when planning a wedding unless you have it up front, because people back out all the time. 

I would not mention the email you saw AT ALL. It’s none of your business how much cash she has on hand or what she intends to use it for. Maybe she has medical expenses or other debt you are not aware of that she is saving the cash for. Maybe she is worried she will break up with her boyfriend and need to buy a new house. Either way, it really is none of your business.

That being said, if I were you, I would talk to your mom and let her know how stressed you are about paying for the rest. Say your dad gave you all the money he could which covers his guests, and ask her if you could possibly have a loan from her if you come up short on paying for your friends. I say loan because if you have a rocky relationship, demanding money for your wedding isnt going to help. I think she either has to offer to pay for it (as a gift) on her own or it wont end well.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yes, she is doing this to spite your dad and his family.  Sadly enough, she has every right to do so even though it’s less than charming.  Also, her financial situation and that of her boyfriend is really not your business.  All you can do is carry on and make the best of it at this point.  Try to be as grateful as you can for what she’s already done for you without expecting more.  Focus on the joy of being married to the love of your life!  🙂

Post # 6
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Why don’t you plan a dinner with your mother her boyfriend and your fiancé and talk about the finances. Ask her how much she thinks she could help you guys with and the situation you guys are going through. Tell her that she convinced you of having a big wedding even though you and your fiancé could barely afford it and now you are going through a lot of anxiety and stress to afford the other expenses. Hope everything goes well! As last resort if she declines to help you any further I would suggest you either go through with the wedding and pay it with a loan or tell your mom you cannot have the wedding because you guys cannot afford it. I’m sorry you have to go through this me and my fiancé we’re going through something similar struggling to afford our wedding and decided to postpone our wedding for 6 more months to be able to afford everything. Hope this helps.

Post # 7
Member
3270 posts
Sugar bee

I would talk to her, and tell her you can’t afford the guest list as it currently stands. Be prepared to start un-inviting people. If she wants them there, she can write you a check.

If you want to cancel everything together, talk to her about that too. Give her the opportunity to step up and pay for it, realizing it won’t happen at all otherwise. You guys sound like you’re happy with a small celebration, so if she wants something bigger, she can act accordingly.

Either way, I would just have an honest conversation about the realities, and see if she’s willing to help of her own free will. 

Just be prepared to scale things back if she chooses to save her money. She’s looking at retirement, and with the world so unsteady, a lot of people are holding onto every penny – can’t say that I really blame her. 

Post # 8
Member
3030 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Unfortunately, the best course of action in anything is to never assume and always budget for what you can afford. As many suggest on here daily, always get a clear precise agreement on what exactly is going to be paid for and have the money given upfront or have all the agreements in her name for what is being charged. Obviously, this is moot since it’s past that approach.

So, as you said, your best bet is to sit down and talk to her. Get an understanding and arrange when she’ll be paying for the venue.

While I understand you’re upset…your mom’s money is her own. While you recognize the fact she doesn’t owe you or your brother to pay for anything, it’s clear you are upset over it and the email you saw. So, it may take time to come down but you do really have to let go of any ideas of what she could have helped you with or could have done…she could have but she chose not to. That’s her choice. While you thought the email was spam, it was clear whom it was addressed to and what it was about right away…and you should have stopped reading. That was a breach of privacy.

In any case, I’m sorry how things have played out and things will work out. The journey may seem rough today but each day brings new possibilities. These are lessons that we learn from..however hard they may be.

Post # 10
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
herrera2016 :  Is she now saying she won’t cover the guests that she invited? Thats not how I interpreted your original post.

Post # 13
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
herrera2016 : walk away from the venue deposit and scale wayyyyy back. 

Your mom’s finances are not that substantive and it’s her money and her retirement. Her FH’s financial situation is not your business and he’s not your stepdad. If my math holds you were 16 when they got started. So no. 

Not being able to count on your parents sucks, but life sucks and isn’t fair sometimes. 

Post # 14
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
herrera2016 :  I can see why you are upset.  Did you sign contracts? Have invoices? Though you may be dreading the converstation, at this point with the wedding 60 days away you have to sit down and have the discussion of what and when the payments are due.  I would bring all documentation/spreadsheets etc. with you.  Many contracts let you break at a reduced charge within 60, 45, 30 days, so if she really is backing out you want to do it sooner rather than later.  Sorry bee, this is a tough situation but if you truly can’t make up the difference than there will have to be some kind of compromise to your original plan. 

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