(Closed) Who's paying for what, panic attacks, mom and money HELP!

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 31
Member
14096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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herrera2016 :  Nope, I didn’t.  I work for a global accounting firm, and if I were to leak information like that, I’d be axed on the spot.  My partners would be mortified.  

Post # 32
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee

I want to agree with someone that mentioned $57k in savings for someone nearing retirement isn’t really a huge amount even though it is separate from a 401k account of some kind.  But I also agree with everyone who says sit your mom down and tell her you have to scale way back if she is not helping more.  And then can you scale back?  Cash bar?  Beer and wine only?  Cake from Costco?  Cancel the dj?  Cancel photographer?  Serve a cheaper meal?

Post # 34
Member
14096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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herrera2016 :  You can try to justify it all you want.  My firm puts a high emphasis on professional ethics, and as such, so do I.  If your friend sees it otherwise…well, I’m glad s/he isn’t my accountant!

Post # 37
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I have a couple of thoughts: 

1.  Please tell your friend that disclosing her clients personal information no matter how vague (“he makes a million dollars!”) is actually a violation of confidentiality and privacy laws especially since she has a duty to protect her clients information and keep them private.  Please stop her from using her clients personal information to gossip. 

2.  You based your guest list on what she told you she will help out,  backing out and reducing your budget allows you a very solid reason to reduce your guest list by cutting off her friends. 

3.  You’re right–her money her rules.  Focus your energy on managing your own life and finances. 

Post # 38
Member
14096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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herrera2016 :  And what I’m saying is, that doesn’t matter.  An accountant shouldn’t be telling the details of anyone’s finances without their express, written permission.  It’s just a sheer lack of ethics, and I truly hope she never works at my firm.  That kind of reputation would be catastrophic to a firm.  But, again, we put a high emphasis on ethics, so she probably wouldn’t get in.  //End.

Post # 39
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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herrera2016 :  Maybe it is because my venue requirements are different, but I had to pay 50% of the catering balance in July. The remaining amount is due with my final head count two weeks before the wedding. My entire wedding (including honeymoon) will be roughly 40K and I have already paid about 20K. If there was a gap in funding, I would have noticed it months ago, not 60 days before the wedding.

I agree with most of the others on here and say you need to have a conversation with your mom ASAP, as well as review all your contracts to see what you are actually on the hook for and what you could pull out of. If your mom was there when you signed a contract saying you would pay X amount of dollars, then she should help you find out how to make up the money or back out. Or, as others have said, cut her guest list and tell her only the guests she pays for will be able to attend. 

Post # 42
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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herrera2016 : You just got a quote on the cost of the wedding, when you booked the venue 18 months ago? So you paid a deposit to a place without even knowing how much it would cost? I am not saying you’re wrong, but the venue is totally sounding like a horribly unorganized place to me. 

The day I booked my venue, not only did I have to pay a $1500 deposit, I had to sign a contract with the menu level and a minimum number of guests. It stated the total balance with that amount of people, and 50% was due in July with the remainder in September. I invited 110 people, but my contract is locked down at 75 people minimum and even if I have less than that, I have to pay for the amount on that signed contract. It just seems weird they would be giving you a total so far from booking / so close to the wedding date. 

 

Post # 43
Member
7660 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

When you’re in you mid 50s, $57k really isn’t that much money to have in your savings so I feel like if anything, that is a reason for her not to pay for your whole wedding.

I hate to sound harsh but if your brother can’t afford $5k for a mortgage, how do you know he can deal with costly issues that can come about with home ownership? Would your mom be expected to pitch in again if they were facing eviction?

All that being said, we dealt with similar issues with my Mother-In-Law. Not money related necessarily but moreso that she was trying to use our wedding to upset Father-In-Law. They had been divorced for seven years at the time but when she offered to help pay for the wedding, she told us “she would only give us money if Father-In-Law gave us money.” She then proceeded to try to”get back” at him with small spiteful actions while we were planning.

Anyways, I think when you talk to her, it shouldn’t be about trying to get more money. Instead, talk to her about how her attempts to spite your dad are hurting you both financially and emotionally. It does sound like she led you on quite bit which is also something that would bother me and I would want to discuss.

At this point I would try to look into cheaper options like a backyard BBQ. I know you already sent invites but you can still your wedding, just at a different location.

Post # 44
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m going to give my honest opinion, and it will likely leave a few bees clutching their pearls. But I say it with no apology. 

1) I don’t care how you justify it, your accountant friend should not be saying anything about the finances of ANY client, even if you’re friends and you write the cheques. 

2) You obviously should have come to an explicit agreement when the venue was booked, but that’s done now and hindsight is 20/20. What can you do from here to scale back the costs? Talk to your mum about the guest list if the majority of guests are hers. Does the wedding have to be formal? You can do a cheaper wedding in a venue, it doesn’t gave to have all the bells and whistles if you can’t afford that. Can you give us more detail about the wedding? It’s hard to give advice when we don’t know what you have planned. 

3) I absolutely think parents should pay for their children’s weddings, and help them get into their first home. Truth be known, I’m sick if people having kids without giving any thought to their financial future, or without being willing to help them as adults. SOO many parents say having a child is the most amazing thing you can do, it gives you purpose in life, blah blah blah, then as soon as their child is an adult they would rather watch them struggle to save money while mum and dad flit around, instead of gifting their kids the cash they need. I don’t have kids, I’m not even TTC, but I already have a savings account for a future child. In my (unpopular) opinion, you’re not responsible for your child until they turn 18. You have an obligation to help them out at whatever point in their lives they struggle. I just can’t fathom watching my kid (adult or not) struggle with money. I’m probably going to get flamed for this last point, but so be it. 

Post # 45
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You sound entitled.  Sounds like you live with your dad and got a job courtesy of your mom and her fiance.    I would strongly suggest you don’t burn any bridges.  After the wedding I think you need to look for another job and a place to live. 

Are you certain, if your mom’s fiance is truly a millionaire, that HE didnt want the prenup?  For an older person, I don’t think you mom has so much money.  

I can understand why she doesnt want to pay for her ex’s friends and families — I am sorry you guys did not nail down details before you signed any contracts

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