Post # 1
So I just got out of the shower, walking between the bathroom and bedroom, topless and 6 months pregnant, when I hear a strange voice behind me saying my name. I shrieked and startled and yelled. It was my husband, playing around with the helium from a V-day balloon. When I figured out it was him, I yelled at him about how incredibly unfunny and scary it was to be startled like that, shaking and still in the midst of a ‘fight-or-flight” response. He protested about how he was just joking (he is a joker) but that only made me more upset and I yelled more at him. I rarely, rarely yell, I’m usually the rational one who diffuses fights by taking a step back, but this time I was so shaken and keyed up that I couldn’t help lashing out about how incredibly inappropriate and even cruel that was. (And yes, he did know I had just gotten out of the shower, he’d said something to me just a minute before sucking the balloon air.) Finally he yelled that he was leaving and drove off.
I’m crying now in an emotional crash from that adrenaline and stress response and to the thought of him leaving. I think this is maybe the second time in two and a half years of marriage that he’s ever driven off in a fight like this. I’m trying not to think too hard about how much I hate the idea of him just driving off in the middle of a fight. I think it’s kind of breaking the rules of fighting fair to just leave like that. I am very likely to be irrational sometimes when this baby gets here (I’m at risk for PPD), and he’s not going to be allowed to just leave like this. Also, and he probably didnt think of this before driving off, but my phone is broken so I can’t even contact him. I guess I could use facebook from my computer to his iphone though.
I know I am going to see this as funny within 24 hours, but right now I’m still incredibly angry and upset. I’m also the type to think too hard about things, and I hate what this implies about him, especially the storming off and refusing to see my point of view. I feel like once he saw that I was legitimately upset and scared, he should have gone immediately into comfort-and-apology mode, rather than defending himself and his right to play a joke. I think we’ve been getting along so well lately–well since getting engaged 3 1/2 years ago–fighting so rarely–that he’s out of practice and reacts worse now to our rare, less-serious fights than he did in an earlier, much more tumultuous time in our relationship when I tried his patience a lot more seriously and consistently.
So who’s the @ssshole? Me for yelling and insisting he was wrong for trying to play a joke on me, when usually it’s my job in the relationship to be the one diffusing fights? Or him for startling a vulnerable half-naked pregnant woman and insisting it was just a joke, not seeing things from my point of view, then storming off in a huff?
Post # 3
You probably over-reacted, but I would be scared too if I thought someone was in the house. That was a joke that obviously fell flat, and he’s probably embarrassed. I say he should have apologized immediately and held you until you calmed down, and could think rationally. Flight or flight is a powerful response, and me being pregnant too, I know I react differently to certain things than I usually would. He’s lucky he didn’t get kicked in the nuts…
So, both jerks, you slightly more excusably.
Post # 4
@marjojo: Well, what did you say when you yelled? Did you say anything mean or something that didn’t pertain to the fight?
I think it was childish of him to drive off and I think you both over reacted. Try not to determine who won or was worse. You both just need to calm down and apologize.
Post # 5
@marjojo: I think that perhaps you overreacted just a bit. Pregnancy hormones can be difficult and make us very emotional.
Just sit back and relax- everything will be ok. I do think him running off was a bit much- however I wasn’t there so I’m not sure how heated it got and if he felt he needed to clear his head or not.
::hug:: It’s going to be ok.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Relax. The day he stops playing jokes will be a sad day. My FH does this too and when I asked him about it he said he only jokes with me like that and he does it as a showing of love. When it pisses me off I give myself time to cool off and I usually calm down enough to find it funny.
Post # 7
He is the ass. I’m sorry but there is a rule in my house between Darling Husband and I since before I was pregnant and it’s never to sneak up on me when I’m upstairs because our house is new and the floors are super silent, he can literally be standing beside me before I hear a thing so I make him announce that he’s coming up by saying “Hey” while entering the room.
In any case, the fact that he made a joke or whatever isn’t the point, what really should have happened when he realized he scared you half to death was a sincere apology. He should be trying extra hard not to startle you now that you’re pregnant, I know that I for one am A- more easily shaken and B- more emotional when something pisses me off/scares me/offends me.
Taking off is never an option in my mind, ever. If my Darling Husband ever left the house because of an argument (especially one as trivial as this) I would be going to stay with my parents for a few days to really get the point across that bailing mid fight is totally unacceptable. You never turn your back on your partner.
However, this is all just another emotional preggo’s opinion so take it with a grain of salt!
Post # 8
@Mars62312: I second this though, it depends what you said to him when you were angry. If he simply refused to accept that his “joke” wasn’t a funny one and say sorry then that’s one thing, if you threw a bunch of other things in his face then that is mean on your part.
Post # 9
I would probably freak on him too initially! But apologize ten minutes later. I do think you overreated a bit, but its really not a huge deal on either end. I don’t think he was an ass for scaring you. But I also don’t think you’re an ass for initially freaking. Time to apologize on both ends, this ones not worth fighting about . xx
Post # 10
You know though, one thing I would appreciate about actually fighting this out, is that now that I’m pregnant, my husband tends to patronize me a bit. It Drives. Me. Nuts. I feel like sometimes we never actually get to resolve whatever I’m angry about, because he’s kinda just like, “You’re right, crazy pregnant lady, I’m a jerk, I’m sorry”, and I can never tell if he ACTUALLY understands the core issue.
So, in a way, actually arguing about whether it was wrong to scare you, I think is kind of important.
Post # 11
I think you overreactied. I don’t like being scared either but I just laugh it off. Atleast you two can be silly together still 🙂
Post # 12
I think you overreacted. A lot. When my husband pranks me I scream cause I am easily spooked, but then I playfully act mad and we laugh and move on. I happen to love funny, light hearted men though 🙂
Post # 13
I didn’t bring up any previous fights or issues when I yelled. Just about how scared I was and the fact that I was naked and he just snuck up behind me in the hall and it wasn’t funny. I even admitted while still upset that any other time I might have found it funny, if I weren’t half-naked and exposed and pregnant, and it was bad timing.
He’s home again (I heard the door) but hasn’t come in to apologize. I’m waiting for him to come to me.
Post # 14
@marjojo: I dont know, I dont think you were overreacting. You were half naked for goodness’ sake! In what world is it a good idea to sneak up on a half naked pregnant woman and scare the bejeesus out of her?! That’s just a mean-spirited joke. Not funny at all.
Him, on the other hand… he should not have left in the middle of a fight. Thats not how an adult handles a disagreement. Its disrespectful and quite frankly very childish. Have you talked to him about that?
Post # 15
I feel like once he saw that I was legitimately upset and scared, he should have gone immediately into comfort-and-apology mode, rather than defending himself and his right to play a joke.
I think his real mistake was not pulling a stupid prank. His mistake was not apologizing.
Also, given the fact that he drove off like that, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that you’ll find this funny in 24 hours. If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t find it funny at all. I think it’s really passive aggressive to scare a half naked woman who just got out of the shower, and then when she’s visibly upset to run off. He needs to man up and apologize!
The issue is not the joke, the issue is the way he behaved when you (rightfully so) told him that you were upset and scared, even if it was only momentarily.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! ((Hugs))
Post # 16
If my Darling Husband ever left the house because of an argument (especially one as trivial as this) I would be going to stay with my parents for a few days to really get the point across that bailing mid fight is totally unacceptable.
ITA with this…. +1,000.