Whose last name to use for children?

posted 2 years ago in Babies
  • poll: What would you do?

    Take husbands last name and give that to your children

    Keep last name and give husband's last name to children

    Keep last name and give your last name to children

  • Post # 2
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    Why doesn’t your husband just take your last name then?

    Post # 4
    7398 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Everyone I know who has a different last name from their spouse either hyphenated the kids last names, or they just have dad’s last name. I personally hate hypenated names, and most of my friends with hypenated names only use one of them.

    I personally would (and did) take my husband’s last name because that’s a tradition that I am used to and wanted to do. I am somewhat bummed that my maiden name isn’t going to carry on, it just is what it is. Out of us 5 grandkids, 3 are girls. Two of us are married w/ kids but took our husbands name. The 3rd girl will likely also take her husbands name when she gets married. My brother is married but they are not having kids. That basically leaves my one male cousin to have kids and give them the family name. 

    Post # 5
    2557 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    How about you take his last name but use your last name as a middle name or last name for your children? 

    Post # 6
    10516 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I did not take my husband’s last name but we will be giving our children his last name. Not because he’s the man but because of similar reasons you have for your last name. My husband’s name is very uncommon, it has a history and culture attached to it that my super common, boring last name does not. I do go by his last name socially, it’s changed on my Facebook, I just didn’t change it legally. That could be an option for you if you think it might help you feel more like a family, though really I don’t think a name makes a family at all.

    So if I were you I would keep you name, give it to your children, and be fine with your husband keeping his name.

    Post # 7
    185 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018 - Mount Princeton hot springs

    View original reply
    beemine1993 :  if it is what you want and he has expressed that he has no issue with it, I’d give the children your last name! 

    Post # 8
    912 posts
    Busy bee

    My husband and I are each keeping our names. We are flipping a coin for our first kid’s last name, and then switching back and forth for any future children. It’s only fair!

    Post # 9
    1586 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    View original reply
    beemine1993 :  as someone who grew up with a different name to my mum (parents never married) I think there is definitely a sense of unity in all having the same surname growing up.  I’ve taken my husband’s name and our children will have our surname.

    You make good points about your family name though.  I suppose you just have to figure out what is more important to you – not just now but potentially in 5, 10, 20 years.  Same name or retaining your family surname? 

    Post # 10
    848 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    I can’t help you with the children as we don’t want any but I can relate to your feelings about keeping your name.

    My last name is not that unique but also not too common. My family knows where they are coming from but still we’re very astonished when we did the ancestry test. We are 93.7% Ashkenazi Jews. And I carry a matching name. I knew before that I wouldn’t really let go of my maiden name and my US paperwork now is with two last names, no hyphen. But I never got around to changing my name on my passport and “in the books” of of my home country (technically I’m not even married when it comes to any other country then the US) and I keep on dragging my feet. I will have to make a decision soon as I need to renew my passport by August next year. But some part of me is debating to just change the US paperwork to my maiden name…

    I also can relate to a husband who is okay with you keeping your name but is clinging to his own name for no good reason. (Well, he has a reason of course…)

    plus i can’t understand why these days a name would make a family. The meaning of what makes out a family has changed so much these days. Why stick with the most outdated form of expressing what a family is? I always go bonkers when people address me with his-last-name  that’s the point where I loose countenance in a conversation.

    Your name is unique and so is the history which goes with it. Keep it. Let your kids carry it on. Put it down in the hall of remembrance in yad vashem. 

    Post # 12
    198 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    I know this varies among different cultures.  So it depends how strongly you feel about passing on your name vs. everyone having the same last name.  My SIL has two brothers, and the brothers have different last names (same mom and dad, one has mom’s surname, one has dad’s surname); it’s a cultural thing, sometimes to honor a passed sibling (male) from the generation before, or also to ensure that the family (maternal) name gets passed on.

    It’s a really personal decision.  I come from a place where most women I know don’t change their name, and it’s actually surprising/uncommon when one of my friends do change their last name.  So whatever makes the most sense for you and your husband- it doesn’t matter what other people think, you do you.    

    Post # 13
    4602 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I’d use both. His as a middle name, yours as a surname.

    I don’t understand why he won’t change his name. Women do it all the time and according to your story he doesn’t even have a connection to the person whose name it is. 

    Post # 14
    10098 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    View original reply
    beemine1993 :  

     Having different last names is perfectly common in many cultures  and I don’t think ‘unity’ is achieved by names anyway , so I would   not ( and didn’t ) change  my name  because of masculinist tradition .

    Also, it seems overly generous  in letting your husband simply refuse to change  his surname on the  apparently  unexamined grounds that  he’s always had it and it’s ” a part”  of him  . Isn’t yours exactly that? 

    Post # 15
    3071 posts
    Sugar bee

    Something that no one has mentioned, but you need to consider: what about in the event of a medical issue? For either spouse and kids. Whoever doesn’t have the same last name will have to forever carry around the marriage and birth certificates. Otherwise they won’t be allowed in the hospital room without proof they’re related.

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