Post # 1
Future Husband here!
So My Girlfriend and I are very close to being engaged (even though she doesn’t know it yet)
But we already know what we want for our wedding (she knows colors, bridesmaid dresses, # of bridesmaids, # of people invited, etc), whereas I’m looking for venue, catering, and decor but other than these things, she knows that she doesn’t want to plan it fully. She wants me too! Which I said I would have no problem doing! No clue what month our wedding will be but it might be in 2015 or 2016.
But whenever I come to the bee and ask questions (because honestly, I have no idea wtf a wedding is supposed to be and how to do it-i’ve never been invited to one) , people are like “why are you planning the wedding!” or “let her plan the wedding!!” which makes me kind of mad! Sure it would be easy to take a step back and watch my gf stress out, but thats not me, nor will it ever be!
Why is it so hard to believe that a man can plan a wedding, and research early in fact! Wouldn’t it make the process easier on the woman and be a change of pace from gender rules! Wouldn’t my future wife be less resentfull of me if I helped plan!
Majority of the posts within the grooms/men boards are about men who don’t do anything, planning wise. So why am i getting so much flack from who I assume to be women!
Post # 3
Lol, I think you’re kind of overreacting! If someone says, “Wow, you are awfully involved! Doesn’t your gf want to plan this stuff herself?” you just say, “Nope, she actually really wants me to do it!” and people will go, “Oh, okay, cool.”
When something’s not the norm, people tend to ask questions/want to know more. I know that it can feel like judgment (believe me, a few minutes ago, my Future Mother-In-Law was like, “Why are you going all the way downtown for a haircut?!?!” and it felt quite judge-y!), but if you just nicely explain yourself, 99% of the time, people will understand and respect your decision.
Post # 4
I have been reading a lot of your posts since you got here, as you seem to be one of the only two guys around on a regular basis. Until this point, from the posts you have written, I didn’t know your GF/Future fiancee knew the purposal was coming, or you two were on the same page with planning. I think a lot of the “hold your horses” was from women who did not know that you and your Girlfriend were so on the same page with this.
There are a lot of people who see it as the girl’s job to plan the wedding (which is silly) but my “Oh goodness” moment was how planned you seemed to be without purposing yet. Since you are on the same page, thats great! But I was, and I think a few other people were too, worried about you putting the cart in front of the horse.
It’s not a guy thing. I would give girls the same eye roll when they buy a dress at a wedding dress sale after dating a guy for two years.
Post # 5
I bet a lot of that is people just not knowing that your Girlfriend is on the same page, that she wants you to be doing this. They probably are trying to be helpful, not wanting you to upset her by overstepping.
@Misswhowedding: “It’s not a guy thing….” I agree with that. There have been many posts with girls doing a ton of planning or buying before being engaged or without telling their SO and bees have advised to slow down.
Post # 6
@otto2008: Honestly, I had that very reaction to your posts. “Why is he planning all of this WITHOUT her and PRIOR to being engaged?!” I never replied that but it was starting to bug me. That being said, I did not realize until this post that she wanted you to take the lead on planning. So it’s really no different than the female bees who plan and plan and plan prior to getting engaged.
I agree with PPs, just come up with a one sentence response for when people give you flack that this is actually what your SO wants, for you to take the lead on planning. And leave it at that. If the Bees see that post enough, they’ll get the picture and leave you alone. 🙂
Post # 7
OH! I didn’t know she WANTED you to plan certain things!
I assumed (since she didn’t know you were planning on proposing) that she had no idea you were planning at. And as someone who married a Groomzilla, I was like “Oh, no! That poor thing!”
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Without knowing all the details, it sounded like you were just randomly wedding planning, no engagement yet, no commiseration with your Girlfriend. But I never gave you any flack.
Post # 9
@otto2008: I think a lot of people have been very supportive of you planning on this website, including myself. I believe I’ve answered or tried to be helpful on several of your posts so far.
Not everyone is going to know your background or bother checking on what other posts you wrote, who has all that time? That being said, lots of people say things off the cuff because this is an open forum. I mean, I’ve been other forums where things can be much, much worse. Focus on the positive comments and try to understand that people who disagree with you usually just have a different POV or do not have all the information available, but I highly doubt most Bees are here to attack you. Try to read all the posts with an assumption that everyone here wishes you well and I think you’ll feel a lot better.
Post # 10
@otto2008: Just be strong, and stand your ground. The reactions you’re getting are firmly rooted in sexism – this is a classic example of how sexism hurts men, too. Here you are, wanting to be helpful, wanting to be involved in your own wedding, and people are shooing you away? Completely inappropriate!
Try to be positive… it’s true that it’s not as common for men to be involved as it is for women to take over the whole thing. It’s not right of them to make assumptions about you, but maybe if you are friendly and explain that it’s not always the case that the woman takes over, then the next time they encounter an involved husband-to-be, they will handle it better. 🙂
I know on some other wedding boards, particularly at offbeatbride.com, I see lots of threads about how annoyed women like your wife-to-be get with vendors, etc. who ignore the men. I’ve seen so many stories about caterers basically telling men to shut up and let the women work, for example… it’s tough out there, but I think you’re doing the right thing, and I support you. Try not to lose your cool, try to set an example, and most of all, try to have a great wedding.
Post # 11
If you wanted me to plan a wedding before you’d bothered to propose, I’d probably tell you to plan it yourself, too!
That said, I have no problem with men who do the planning. I am way too controlling to ever let it happen in my relationship, but if it works for the two of you, knock yourself out.
Post # 12
@otto2008: A lot of the people here subscribe to the theory that their wedding is the bride’s day and has nothing to do with anything else. In fact, although they won’t say it, they treat their husbands toe be like they are accessories instead of partners in a day that will change their lives just as much as it changes their own. You can’t overstep when you’re planning YOUR party.
Men SHOULD be part of planning their wedding in ANY way they feel they want to (with the exception of her dress). The involvement means that you are just as invested in this as she is. You’re not a child in the way, you’re the GROOM. So my advice? Ignore those selfish beings that tell you you shouldn’t be involved in planning your wedding. Those same people will be on here posting about how they’re getting a divorce in a year.
Girls plan their weddings without being proposed to ALL THE TIME (there’s a waiting forum full of folks doing it) but suddenly when they think a man is doing it, their panties are all in a bunch. There are people on here who have colors and dates and bridal parties picked out 3 seconds after a ring is slipped on their finger. Guess what? THAT’S PLANNING
Do your thing and enjoy the experience with your girlfriend.
Post # 13
@otto2008: I think it’s totally fine that you want to plan your wedding. I think the reason you’re getting some flack is the urgency with which you appear to be planning when your wedding is so far out. You’ve only been a member for a few weeks, and you’ve posted a large number of threads, often posting several within minutes of each other. Maybe if you were to slow down with your posting, people might be more receptive. Also, if you use the search tool you might find other threads that relate to your questions. You might find some useful information that way.
Post # 14
i’m not gonna slow down when I have questions, if people are annoyed with that, then oh well. get over it. I do search before I post, but usally the responses are nothing what i’m looking for.
Post # 15
@pineapplez17: +1, I agree.
I also think you come off as somewhat abrasive (posts like this don’t help) when posters are just trying to help and give their $.02. If you slow down and readjust your defensive attitude, I think many bees will be more receptive.
Post # 16
@otto2008: See, this is what I was referring to when I mentioned an abrasive attitude. You asked a question, received an answer, and your response is “oh well get over it”.
I mean, sure. But don’t be surprised when you’re getting a lot of “flack”.