Post # 1
Hi I’m new btw:) After reading the boards I came across some posts that hit home for me and realize I have an emotional issue I would like to get off my chest.
So it really bothers me that my fiance has had the experience of having a child with someone else. I love his child and we are all very close. Heres some history:
The biological mother gave up rights to the child within less than a year, she wasn’t ready for it. This was 10+years ago when my fiance was one year out of highschool. His attitude towards her should put any jealous feelings away for me. The story is that she was his first real relationship, she was kind of “ghetto”, partied a lot and, and had even slept with some of his friends. He says that they were together for two years, one of which she was pregnant, and by the time the baby was born he already knew she was someone he wouldn’t be with.
It’s just weird to someone like myself, who feels sex is just part of growing up, that it would bother me. Even for myself and many of us we could have had many children by now if we didn’t use measures to prevent it, so that makes me feel like a hypocrite. I guess I’m just jealous that he had the experience of spending family occasions with another significant other who was expecting, and was in the delivery room having that experience with someone other than me. Is this silly?
Post # 3
I don’t think it is at all. Having a child with someone is an emotional investment whether both parties stay involved of not. There’s also the added element that though you love the child and the father (in your case) that there is always someone elses ghost, for lack of a better term, there in the room with you. You feel with the amount of time, love and energy you spend on this other woman’s child, who’s clearly not there doing those things, that it’s slightly unfair they aren’t your own flesh and blood and that you missed the joy and excitment of bringing them into the world. It’s downright disheartening sometimes. Of course this really hurts when they’re old enough to throw that fact back in your face when there’s an argument.
Chin up and know there will most likely be a time in the future (if you want it) where those intimate and loving moments will be shared between the four of you : Mom, Dad, Child and your new lil one.
Post # 4
@musicalrose: thank you. Yes you nailed it. The child calls me mom, and lives with us, but it’s excatly how you said “a ghost in the room” I uess it just burns me up that another woman will always be his “real mom” even though the only reason is because she birthed him.
Post # 5
Oh my goodness! I am, almost in, the EXACT situation as you. My Fiance has 2 kids, ages 5 & 6, and while I love them dearly, I cant help but think that theres another woman involved and be a bit jealous too. :(. He always tells me they were an accident and he made a huge mistake, but will never regret his children. He too has physical custody of them and in just one short week we will all be under the same roof. Him, me, and his 2 kids. Ive been in their lives since they were 1 & 2, but they still call me Robin (my first name) :/. I kinda hope one day I can also be “mom”, but dont have high hopes. But on the bright side, we will start our own family next year hopefully :). Hang in there, chin up. They seem to love you like a mom so embrace that. You all have them for a reason that their mother doesnt. I have to look at that bright side too :).
Post # 6
@Leemarie: I guess it just burns me up that another woman will always be his “real mom” even though the only reason is because she birthed him.
Don’t think of it that way. First, if she gave him up before he was a year old, does he even have any memory of her at all? It doesn’t sound like she has visitation rights or anything, so she’s not a part of his life at all.
Second, one of my coworkers is a step mom. The kid, (who just graduated from high school), has wanted nothing to do with his biological mom for years, (she has several children by several different men, has custody of none of them, and has problems with drugs, etc.). He has told my friend that she may be his bilogical mother, but that my friend is his REAL mom. A woman can give birth to a child, and that may make her a biological mother, but it sure as hell doesn’t make her a mom!
Also, I am reminded of the scene in “Juno” where she and her dad are in the hospital room after she gave birth, and he tells her that someday she’ll be back here when she’s ready, and it will be different. I kind of think that if/when you and your Darling Husband have children, it WILL be different. Yes, he will have been through it before, but it was with someone he didn’t love. He may love his child, but I think it will still be a different experience because it will be the child of both of you, you’ll be married, and ready, and you will be bringing a baby into a loving family, complete with a loving older brother.
Post # 7
@Miss Apricot: That’s some sound, beautiful advice.
Post # 8
The other advantage of starting your family with a guy who is already a dad and who is an awesome, involved dad is that you don’t have guess at all as to whether he’ll be a good father. You already know that he’ll be doing night wakeups and going to class plays. He’s already proven himself to be someone of honor and integrity in that way.
Post # 9
I feel so understood, It means a lot ladies. I worry that I’m an undercover jealous freak lol, but you made me feel normal. I too hope that one day he will see the same way-as the woman who wanted him and loved the way his mom couldn’t. Although I would never bring up the situation as I don’t want his feelings to be hurt, or to appear that I am trying to make myself look better than her. I just wait, invest time and hope someday I’ll get the satisfaction of being called “mom” and know that he means it whole heartedly because I was.
Unfortanutely, she does have visitation. Not legally, but fiances mom who helped him raise the child before me allows visits. Usually only when she gets out of prison (again) and even when he does see bio mom hardly pays attention to him-it’s more the grandma that spends the time with him. Bio mom is busy fighting with her boyfriend or should I say other “baby daddys” and doesnt assume the mom role during visits. (she has two other children since that she also doesnt have custody of)
Post # 10
@Miss Apricot: love this. thank you<3
Post # 11
It’s not silly. I think though that you should realize that you are honored, he chose you for his life partner/mother of his child. He didn’t choose her as a significant part of his life, he chose you. A lot of people can have a child, and for a man it’s not always his decision if the woman he’s with at the time decides to conceive. I would try to not let it bother me, you obviously mean much more.
Post # 12
My brother’s girlfriend has a child from her 1st marriage and he jokingly says he’s fine to not be the biological dad because he missed the tough emotional baby years and gets to enjoy the fun personality building years. He points out that he didn’t have to do midnight feedings or potty training. In fact, he’s gone as far as to say he’s not sure he needs to have his own kid(s) because she already has one. He is a great father-figure even though her bio dad is in the picture with visitation. Our extended family has totally accepted her as well and even though she is the only child at most family gatherings, she is always included. I know this is different from a man’s perspective but wanted to give oyu somethign to think about.
Post # 13
@Leemarie: It’s not silly at all. Both myself and my Fiance have kids from our previous relationship and we both get feelings of jealousy from time to time. I can imagine it must be harder for you because you haven’t experienced something that he has.
If I could give you any advice it would be to try and not look at it through rose tinted spectacles,the reality of it was probably a lot less warm and cosy than the idealised images your mind conjures up. I was young when I had my baby too(we were together a year and it was going down the tubes by the time of the birth)and I knew I wouldnt be with his dad and I never felt that sense of family with him that I do with my Fiance. Even on certain occasions when we were together as a family I looked at him with a sense of him being my baby’s father but nothing else.
If and when you and your fiancé decide to have a baby which is planned and longed for I’m sure it will be a new experience for both of you to bring a child into such a strong,loving unit. Try and look forward to that and not back to something that will never measure up to that.
She was maybe there first but you will be last which I think is special in itself.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
It’s partially because no matter how many children you have together, he will always have another. Every “first” thing that happens with your pregnancy and baby won’t be his first experience with it (and depending on how he reacts to that, it can be really upsetting.) Be thankful you don’t have to deal with another parent that has mental or substance abuse issues or is just a mean spirited b*tch when dealing with her child’s stepmother.
Make sure that when you discuss getting pregnant and raising your own child together that he knows that it’s important to you that he treat this as if it were his first experience with pregnancy (although his previous experience may be helpful in some ways.) It may not be a problem but if it is, gently remind him from time to time. Once you have a child together, this concern should calm down. I see a lot of couples that are stressed by stepchildren really solidify their relaitonship once they have a child together.